Will quotes from The Inbetweeners

Jay

Have you had a wank over Will’s mum?

Neil

No…not yet.

Will

Please don’t have a wank over my mum!

Neil

I can’t promise that, I’m afraid.

(whispering) What is it now, McKenzie?

Again?

Will

Yes.

Well, you can’t.

Will

(surprised) Sorry?

(whispering) That’ll be the 4th time in an hour. You’ll have to wait.

Will

I’m pretty sure you can’t do that, sir.

If I have reason to believe you’re cheating, I can. And I do, so I have. Now get on with your paper. (He walks off in the direction of his desk.)

Will

Oh, God, no. (Loudly, very high-pitched, despairingly after Mr. Gilbert) Phil!

Will

(again) Phil!

Will

Oh, no. (To Mr. Gilbert) Phil?

Oh, Jesus. (He walks over to Will. We hear other students groaning after realizing what’s happened.)

Will

I thought it was a fart, sir. (Very high-pitched) I thought it was safe!

Will

(voiceover, whilst this is happening) In a term of low-points, this was it. Literally, the bottom. And yet as I waddled to the toilet, I felt strangely optimistic. Things couldn’t get any worse. Painful as it may seem, in a way, I was free. Free to reinvent myself as whatever I wanted. Right after I changed my underpants.

Simon

Hang on a minute, have you had your left ear pierced?

Jay

Yes.

Simon

Isn’t that the ear you get pierced to say you’re gay?

Jay

Well, there’s a quick way to find out, Neil, which ear’s your Dad got pierced?

Neil

Neither, cos he’s not bent!

Simon

Of course not. Will, which ear’s the gay one?

Will

Oh, I’m the last person to ask.

Neil

I thought you knew everything?

Will

Well, I don’t know any boys who’ve had their ears pierced… because I went to a private school.

Will

I’m still exercising my right to protest (about the fashion show)

Good. Just make sure it’s not a dirty protest, like the last one.

I suppose you thought that was funny.

Simon

Sir, no, honest.

Well, there’s nothing funny about testicles, Cooper. As you’ll discover tomorrow morning in my office.

Will

(Perturbed) Sorry, sir, that sounded a bit wrong.

No it didn’t. See you tomorrow.

Will

(voiceover) It was the night of Simon’s date with Tara, and to make the occasion, he’d dressed like a dick.

Will

Are you actually gonna wear that?

Simon

Yes.

Will

Interesting.

Simon

Look, if I’m gonna get a girlfriend, I’m gonna have to try and different plan than the one I had for Carli.

Will

Oh, was there a plan with Carli? I thought you just lurched from one disaster to another.

Simon

Yeah. Well, I know what I need to do with Tara. Just pretend to be someone I’m not, that I go to gigs, wear hats, and most importantly, sort out D-R-U-G-S.

Will

Shh! My mum’s in.

Simon

So?

Will

She can spell.

Ooh. You two look very smart. Where are you off to?

Will

Oh, um, we’re just going to pick up Neil. Then we’re going to a gig.

A gig? Wow. Yeah, I remember my first gig. INXS, Hammersmith Odeon. One of the band members went off stage, then came back on a skateboard. We all screamed. Yeah, looking back, I’m not sure why he did it.

Will

Heh. We’re going to go now.

Well, have fun, and if anyone does offer you any D-R-U-G-S, be careful.

Will

What?

I overheard you. Oh, it’s okay, petal. I know boys will be boys, but I can trust YOU to do the responsible thing. Very lucky to have you, because you’re so boring.

Will

Boring?

Well, not boring. Just scared of things.

Will

Scared?

Sensible. That’s the word I’m looking for. Sensible. You’re very sensible, so I don’t have to worry about you as much. Because you’re so scared.

Will

Thanks, Mum.

Jay

I’ve had a toke with Mark untold times! I used to sort him out with Rizla and ting!

Will

Oh, so you’re a newsagent as well as a liar?

You lot seem very quiet tonight.

Simon

Yeah, well, it’s better than hearing non-stop bullshit

Language. What’s that on your head, Simon?

Simon

(Sarcastically) Oh, I don’t know, Dad. Oh, yeah, it’s a hat. Obviously. God!

Looks bloody stupid.

Will

We tried to tell him.

You look like a butcher.

Simon

Pete Doherty wears them, actually.

Pete Doherty’s butcher wears them.

Simon

Oh, I forgot you were a comedian as well as a cab driver.

Oi! I’m doing you a favour. Why are you wearing it anyway? You’ve never worn anything like that before.

Neil

He’s meeting a bird.

Simon

Neil!

Knew it. You’ve got that look in your eye.

Simon

What?

Sort of an animal look. I’ve seen it when you watch TV sometimes, X Factor and that.

Jay

What, when he sees Louis Walsh?

Simon

Funny.

No, thankfully Cheryl Cole. If his mum’s in the room, he has to pop a pillow over his lap.

Jay

Oi, Neil, hear about Boy? He was messing about up the rec, got his head wedged in a bottle bank. When they found him the next morning, he’d been arse raped eighteen times.

Neil

Oh, mate, that’s grim!

Will

I have a few questions.

Jay

Like what?

Will

Well, firstly, what was he doing with his head wedged in a bottle bank?

Jay

Looking for bottles, you mug.

Will

Okay. Secondly, the first 18 people to find him happened to be opportunistic homosexual rapists?

Jay

Obviously…oi, Neil, where was ya Dad last night?

Neil

Badminton, why?

Jay

(suspiciously) 'Course he was.

Will

And finally, after what was, at best, a humiliating experience, would he, as the victim, tell anyone - let alone YOU - about it?!

Jay

I used to sit next to him in woodwork.

Jay

Yeah, I got a blowjob when I was eleven off the cleaner.

Will

Who was your cleaner, Gary Glitter?

Neil

Was it good?

Jay

Yeah, amazing. I pissed right in her mouth.

Simon

What? Why would you do that?

Jay

That’s how you finish blowjobs!

Will

Christ.

Jay

And she said I was the best she’d ever had!

Simon

Through mouthfuls of piss.

Will

Before she had to get on with the hoovering.

Jay

I dunno what your problem is, I’ve never been out with a girl I liked anyway.

Will

Except for the last one, who made you cry.

Simon

Will!

Neil

Oh, mate, that is well out of order.

Will

(Incredulously) What?! After all he’s said to us?!

Simon

Yeah, well some things just aren’t okay. (To Jay) You alright, mate?

Jay

(Looking at the floor) Yeah, I’m fine.

Simon

(To Will, sternly) Apologise.

Will

It wouldn’t be right

Simon

She’s offering to put your penis in Her mouth, not paying you to lie in Parliament

What’s up, Kezza?

(sobbing) He dumped me.

Will

No, I couldn’t have, 'cause we were never going out!

(sobbing) He used me, and then he dumped me because I’m so big.

Will, I don’t know how you can do this, especially after everything Kerry’s been through!

Will

It hasn’t been an easy ride for me either! Trying to stay out of her clutches!

Her dad died last month!

Will

Well, that’s awful. Obviously. But not-

What?

Will

Well it’s not…it’s not relevant, is it?

Will

If you want the truth, Kerry gives out blowjobs like they’re going out of fashion and, by all accounts, I’m one of the only ones to have turned her down!

(sobbing) I hate you!

Will, I want you to leave.

I’ll give you a blowjob.

Will

I’m sure you will.