(to Simon) Good, cos I need you to do something for me.
Okay, what is it?
Have a look at my cock.
(nervously) Um…
Not in a gay way. It’s just that something’s gone wrong.
I think looking at your cock at all is a bit gay.
Please, I’m serious. All my pubes have fallen out.
What?
I was asleep at school, and I must have had a wet dream cos it was all sticky…
You spunked in the common room?
Yes, but listen! And I went home to clean up and all my pubes came off in the shower.
Sorry, you spunked your pants in the common room during the day, when there were people around?
(matter of factly) Yes.
And then your pubes fell out?
(exasperated) Yes!
I think this is way out of my league.
Just take a look at it. Normally, it wouldn’t matter, but I’ve got that date with Daisy in about 2 hours. What if she wants more than a snog?
Even a snog’s unlikely - no offence - but go on.
Well, if the miracle does happen and if she touches or, worse, sees the bald old fella, what’s she going to think?
That you’re a porn star?
Look at me. I don’t think she’s gonna think I’m a porn star, Simon.
Maybe you could draw some pubes on with a marker pen.
(sarcastic) Oh, okay, good idea. And after that, maybe I’ll draw a six-pack on my stomach! Or a longer cock!
Or what about wearing a wig down there?
(exasperatedly sarcastic) Oh, good idea(!) A cock wig!
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