[Michael has just shown on a board how the timeline in the Afterlife looks like the name "Jeremy Bearimy" in English Cursive. Chidi approaches the board.]
Okay, but, um...what the hell is this? The dot...over the i? The HELL is THAT?
Okay, um...how do I explain this concisely? THIS....is Tuesdays. And also July.
JJanet
And sometimes it's never.
That's true. Occasionally, that moment on the Bearimy Timeline is the time moment when nothing never occurs. So...you get it.
[Chidi has very clearly gone insane.]
...THIS BROKE ME. The, UHH...the dot...over the i. That broke me, I'm...I'm DONE.
J1Janet 1
Dudes, why are there so many Janets and why do I sound like Janet?
J2Janet 2
You also look like Janet. Do I...? Why?! What?! What is happening?! [gets a stomachache much like Chidi]
J3Janet 3
[In a British accent like Tahani] Oh , no! Am I...wearing a vest?! Oh! Michael, help me!
This is gonna be tricky. How can we tell them apart?
J4Janet 4
[Points to own breasts in excitement]
[Points to Janet 4] Okay, that one's Jason.
JJanet
[Appears] I told you not to conjure anything!
CJChidi-Janet
Sorry, I just needed a board to explain...
JJanet
Not you, him. [pans to Jason-Janet and Pillboi in a damaged hot tub] Jason! What is wrong with you?
JJJason-Janet
Sorry, Janet. I didn't mean to conjure anything. I was just thinking about the good times I had with Pillboi chilling and hanging out in his broken hot tub. And then, he showed up.
PPillboi
Yeah, I was just chilling being nothing, and then I was.
PPillboi
[Jason-Janet is forced to leave as Pillboi and the hot tub disintegrates and fades away]] Aw, dip. I'm not again.......!!
Holy forking shirtballs...we're in the Good Place!
Are we SURE we're in the ACTUAL Good Place? It's rather...carpeted.
Yeah, I don't see any go-karts, much less go-karts being driven by monkeys wearing sunglasses and Hawaiian shirts.
No, this is definitely some part of the Good Place. Just take a deep breath.
Whoa! That smells like Typhoon Falls! My favorite water park when I was a kid! Mmm...chlorine, suntan lotion, Band-Aids and a thick cloud of teen hormones.
When I was researching my fake neighborhood, I learned about this. The Good Place smells like whatever makes you happiest.
Warm pretzels...or, no, wait...it's the smell of absolute moral truth?
JJanet
Those two things have very similar smells.
I'm so sorry, darling. This is all my fault. I encouraged Jason to come clean about what we saw.
JJanet
You saw that, too?
JJanet
Jason knows that I love him, it STINKS to hear how the two of you are married, this beige outfit really washes out my not-skin and if I don't remain NEUTRAL in front of Gwendolyn, she's gonna know we've been lying. All of these new emotions I'm feeling are about to burst out of me, which might be super embarrassing! What if they come out my butt?
Oh, hey, Eleanor, we were just talking about maybe you shouldn't be team leader. [whispers to Tahani] Saved it.
Go 'head, guys. Speak your mind.
JJanet
It isn't personal, Eleanor. When we started this experiment, I calculated a 9% chance of success. After your first three days on the job, it's down to 7.1%. So purely from a mathematical standpoint, you ARE kinda pooching it.
And if I could give you some feedback...uhhh, I'd say that you're all ungrateful ashfaces who can shove your fat grumps all the way up your snork-box!
I didn't ask for this! I'm only doing it because Michael, who is SUPPOSED to be in charge, had a nervous breakdown the second it started! BUT! Maybe you CAN do it better than me. TAHANI can be in charge since she's so smart. Or better yet: JASON! Maybe ALL OF HUMANITY can be saved with one good, old-fashioned Jacksonville carnival!
I mean, we could try. All I need is a bouncy house, some ninja stars and a bunch of ambulances.
Welp! Good luck, forkfaces. I quit. Shellstrop out.
Janet! I'm so happy to see you. I got you a box of chocolates, but then I remembered you can't eat, so I ate them! And I thought it would be a nice present to describe them to you. So...the first one was gross-
JJanet
Jason, um, please just let me talk. You know that I've been overwhelmed with work since the neighborhood started.
JJanet
And I asked you to give me some space.
JJanet
I'm so sorry to say this... [Janet and Jason take a seat.] ...but I CAN'T be in a relationship with you right now. Being with you is fun, but it's not always easy and I'm afraid it would endanger the experiment.
JJanet
Jason, it already has. So, why don't we just take a break until it's all finished.
JJanet
Also, I hate to pile on, but I think you have a right to know: The Jacksonville Jaguars cut Blake Bortles. He's not on the team anymore. I am genuinely sorry.
Okay, here's where I'm at: I just don't know if I can ever trust you. I'm gonna call the Judge, we'll start over. We won't have Chidi in the mix, but he'll be on our side again, which is almost as good.
But we know the humans now. Starting over sounds exhausting!
I know, but if that's not Michael, he could sabotage us in ways we can't even perceive, and even if it is, I can't fully trust him, so every time something goes wrong, a little part of me is gonna wonder. We have to start over.
I have a better idea: I'm gonna blow myself up.
ETEleanor and Tahani
WHAT?
I'll blow myself up. That way, you can continue the experiment with Chidi as one of the people, which is our best chance to ever be successful.
Why not just lock you in a room or in Janet's void or something?
But then you might worry that I'd escape. I blow myself up, I'm out of your hair for good. Well...parts of me will be in your ACTUAL hair, but you get it.
Tahani, this is the only way. There's literally nothing I can say that will make you realize that I'm really me.
Oh boy...this is gonna suck. Hopefully, I will see you all in a few months. Good luck. Oh, and make sure that you, uh, get all of me into the container, or I might come back, uh...way shorter and that would bum me out.
I wish I were saying this in different circumstances, but...take it sleazy.
BJBad Janet
Oh, crud-nuts!
JJanet
That oughta stop them from following us.
So smart. Nice to have you back, Janet.
JJanet
It must have been hard for you...to go back there.
It was. I don't like thinking about who I used to be.
Listen, Michael, it's okay to feel or plead guilty about bad things you used to do, but you don't have to feel shame about who you were because you're not a demon anymore. You're just like a nice, weird, happy old dude.
JJanet
Thanks for rescuing me. I missed you so much.
I missed you, too. Bad Janet was so mean to me. She told me so many lies, like, she said the Jags cut Blake Bortles. Can you believe that?
JJanet
Oh no...Jason, that wasn't a lie. Blake Bortles WAS cut by the Jaguars.
WHAT? How, WHY!? Wh...who's their QB now?
JJanet
A man named Nick Foles.
NICK FOLES? Are you KIDDING ME!?
He won a SUPER BOWL! We're gonna be UNSTOPPABLE! FOOOOOOOOOOOOLES!
JJanet
Oh no...Nick Foles just broke his clavicle.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
BJBad Janet
Is that your story? Looks boring.
This book is a PART of the story. You'll see.
It all started...about a week ago. We had sent the four humans on a ski trip-
BJBad Janet
And they all skied off a cliff and they broke all their bones and their pants fell down and you could see their butts. The end.
Actually...it went better than we could have possibly hoped.
...the moment you've all been waiting for. The Humanity Savior of the Week goes to...Jason!
Keep up the amazing work with Chidi. AND! The award for Hottest Savior of the Week goes to...
Eleanor Shellstrop! [pulls out a photo of herself.]
I don't know what to tell you, man. Maybe do some squats? Pop that booty a little bit?
MMichael (Narrating)
It was a real high point.
The ski trip, I mean, not the completely rigged hotness contest. All in all, it was the best we'd ever felt about the experiment. And then Brent did something...very Brentian.
BJBad Janet
[Sarcastically] Who could have predicted that?
So crazy that we're at the end of this thing and we have no idea how we did. Janet, any chance you could get a look inside that obelisk? Check that magic scoreboard?
JJanet
There IS a chance, yes. About 1 in 970 trillion. Let's give her a whirl.
JJanet
It did not work. I'll be right back.
Regardless of what the Judge rules, this feels like some sort of good-bye.
Even if we succeeded, there's no guarantee she'll keep us together. She might just snap her fingers and send us flying into different dimensions. How was that? Did I cheer everyone up?
Aw, man, are we gonna die again? We've died so many times. We've probably had, like, 15 funerals by now. It's getting annoying.
JJanet
If it would cheer you up, I could tell you what happened at your original funerals. Tahani, Moby spoke first. He claimed that-
Uh, please stop. I don't want to hear it.
JJanet
Your friends didn't say things about you so much as they graffitied a Red Lobster about you.
Yeah, in Jacksonville, that's the first stage of grief.
In Arizona, you can either have a regular funeral, or they can put your body out on a shooting range and you get a $200 state tax credit.
Hang on. THIS is how we take our minds off the Judge's ruling. Let's throw ourselves the funeral to end all funerals.
Awesome! And you know what they say in Florida: "If you don't like this funeral, juuuust wait a minute!"
Jason Mendoza didn't have an easy life. He once told me the closest he'd ever gotten to having a piñata on his birthday was when a seagull ate too many condoms on the beach and exploded.
But despite it all, he was the most optimistic person I'd ever met.
JJanet
Jason was the very first person to ask me about my feelings. I hadn't had any yet, but it made me want to go get some. I could see something special inside him that no one else could see: it was a multi-colored blob of positivity right behind his sternum.
JJanet
That's my Jason: a big, colorful, rainbow blob stuffed inside a hot, life-size action figure.
Plus, I gotta say it was nice to have a true dirtbag buddy...
...so I could talk about what really mattered in life: wrestling, semi-legal drugs, and Jason Statham.
Indeed. Statham forever. Amen.
What are you waiting for? Do it!
It's not that easy. He lived a whole life, and then 802 afterlives, and a second life, then a second afterlife, and then a third "first" afterlife, h-his psyche's like a giant bowl of M&M Peep Chili. I gotta make sure all the memories go in the right place in the right order. Maybe I just start him at the beginning, a full factory reset.
Man...Janet, can I please have a drink with a lot of alcohol in it?
Here, I saved this from my funeral. It's called a Duval Ditchwater. It's Midori, Coffee-Mate, and ditch water.
JJanet
I'll get you a margarita.
Yeah, that sounds better.
It's not! Seriously, try this.
The Good Place · 289 quotes
