Bad Janet quotes from The Good Place

Jason

Can I go to your house?

I don't have a house, Jason. I live in a boundless void.

Jason

Can I go there?

No. It's a boundless void.

Eleanor

Hey, what if I, an already amazing person who definitely belongs here, wanted to learn even more about how to be a good person? Is one of these nerds, like, a teacher or a life coach or an Instagram fitness model or something?

Eleanor, I'd like you to meet Chidi Anagonye. Chidi, this is Eleanor.

Eleanor

Janet tells me you were a professor of some kind.

Chidi

Yes, I was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy focusing on deontology.

Eleanor

Hang on one second, Cheebee. [To Janet] This guy's too big of a nerd. Who else you got?

Michael

Have you met my secretary, Jeanette? She's a lot like Janet, but she doesn't pretend like she has all the answers.

Chidi

Hi, Jeanette.

Oh, no, it's still me Janet. Michael just asked that I change my appearance, and also say things like, "You're so funny," and "So how many quarterbacks are in a home run?"

Actually, it might help me if I could hear Jason's side as well.

Tahani

Oh, no, no, no. That'll only slow things down. Look, I'll tell you his side. He thinks that I have to control everything and that he has no voice in this relationship. Right, Jason? Good. Now, where were we? I just heard that.

Michael

What's happening? What's wrong?

I am wrong. I can't stop glitching. I don't know why. And it's getting worse. I fear this neighborhood is in danger of total collapse. So that's the main thing. How are you?

Michael

Wait a second, Janet. What are you telling me? Are you saying that because you're glitching out the neighborhood is in danger of total collapse?

Fun fact: mathematically, it's equally likely to either im- or explode.

Michael

Okay, okay. So I suppose the next question should be; What's causing the problem?

Unclear. The glitches started out small, and then began to escalate, and then I came here looking for help, and then I started talking, and then you looked at me annoyed, like that, and now here we are.

Michael

That glitch appears to be limited to this building. So Vicky won't know.

That's the good news. The bad news is, I seem to be losing my ability to sustain object permanence. So it's sort of a glass half full, glass stops existing in time and space kind of deal.

Janets can't lie.

Michael

You lied to Vicky earlier.

Interesting. I guess I did. I suppose after 802 reboots, I must have gained the ability to lie. That's fun! I want to try to lie again... I love your outfit.

Michael

[reading manual] "In the event of continued malfunction, hold down Janet's nose, and insert paperclip into small hole behind left ear. Janet will rapidly collapse in on herself. When Janet is roughly the size of a marble, she can be launched into space through an inter-dimensional suction tube or eaten as a midday snack."

I'm very high in potassium. Like a banana!

Michael

Janet, uh, what's a food that people think they enjoy but that's also kind of a bummer?

Frozen yogurt.

Michael

Oh, yes! [laughs] Frozen yogurt. Oh, Janet, you're a genius.

Correct.

Eleanor told me that instead of being sad, I should go get it, girl. So I'm going to go get it, girl.

Michael

Get what?

Unclear. I'll get everything, just to be safe.

We are so in sync, we're finishing each other's...

Derek

Derek!

Say "goodbye," Derek.

Derek

Ah, good-bob. I hope we same place again very now.

His brain is wrong.

Goodbye, Derek.

Derek

Goodbye, mommy-girlfriend. Bye, everybody. Derek's going away now.

Eleanor

Does he seem a little bit uh still alive?

Well, he's about as dead as he can be. Kind of like he's in power-saver mode.

Jason

And to Janet, the best robot...

Not a robot.

Jason

Girl...

Not a girl.

Jason

And straight up hottie...

I am attractive, yes.

Jason

Any of us could have ever asked for.

Thanks, guys. Because of the way we were conceived of and created, Janets don't typically give speeches...

Eleanor

Oh, she's done. She's not gonna give a speech.