Bad Janet quotes from The Good Place

Chidi

Janet?

Hi there.

Chidi

Hi. Uh, can I have, uh, a pen and some paper?

Chidi

[as he writes] I don't know if I'll see you again, or what I'll remember if I do, but...if we do cross paths again... [tears page out and gives to Janet] ...sometime, somewhere...can you get this back to me?

Of course.

Chidi

I'm ready.

Chidi

Hey, uh, Janet? Can I have my note, please?

If you know that you wrote a note, then...you know what it says.

Chidi

I do, uh, but I-I'd still like to see it again. Please. I think it might be some of the best writing I've ever done.

UGH. All Janet voids are nothing, but Neutral Janet voids are, like...the MOST nothing.

Judge, please, please don't cancel Earth.

Why not? The system's broken, you guys proved it. I just want to reboot the whole thing and go back to my chambers. I am on Season Three of "Justified," and can I just tell you...it is...SO GOOD. I, like, binged all of Season Two in a day.

Think of all the amazing human achievement you'd be eliminating, UUUH, the works of William Shakespeare. The Pyramids. Timothy Olyphant.

OOH. That one stings. There's, like, 50 gallons of man in a 10-gallon hat. I'm like OoOoOoH!

LOOK. I'm the freaking Judge and I made a freaking ruling and it's gonna freaking happen as soon as I find the freaking clicker thing.

All right, what do I search for? Humanity eraser button garage door opener thingy judge.

UUUUGHH!

Well, it wasn't in you. Any last words?

These are my last words. End of words.

Yes...really boring. Byeeeee!

All right, who's next?

Your dad's pimply butt, you fat dink.

That is so interesting because last time I checked...I DIDN'T have a dad. That's why I'm attracted to all the father figures on the TV shows I watch, mm-kaymm?

Idiots.

AW NUTS. How did I fall for that!?

Chidi

Please have a seat, Your Honor.

I already told you: I am NOT interested. Give me one reason why I should hear you out.

Okay. Here he is.

Ma'am.

You MADE me an OLYPHANT? [celebrates.]

I think you should hear them out, Judge. Only seems fair.

[saunters up to Timothy Olyphant.] Yeah, you're probably right. Well played, Janet. I don't mind taking in the view when the scenery is so pretty.

Tahani

We're finally headed to the Good Place. It's the "me" of places!

Tahani

I-I got in, I can say stuff like that again.

Jason

Are you sure we're going the right way, Janet?

Well, I've never been to the Good Place before, but yes, I'm sure.

Jason

How?

Because it feels like I'm on my way home.

Jason

Flying puppy!

You're almost there! Just a little further!

Michael

Flying puppies? Dang it, Michael, why didn't you think of that for your neighborhood? These guys are GOOD.

Chidi

Weird...

Jason

Whoa! This is the Jacksonville SuperSuites Hotel ballroom where I had my prom and also traffic court.

Eleanor

But this has to be MY party, because that's the bedpan that Stone Cold Steve Austin used to beat up Vince McMahon in 1998!

Eleanor

It was a classic moment, don't judge me!

I'm so sorry, guys. The Good Place uses your life experiences to plan the perfect party, but it's only designed for one person at a time. When you walked in as a group, it became-

Tahani

A mish-mash of all four of us.

Eleanor

[sighs] It's PERFECT.

Eleanor

Hi, everyone, can I have your attention, please? Hi, my name's Eleanor Shellstrop. Hope you're having fun at our Flor-izona British library extravaganza.

Eleanor

I guess you don't really have fun ANYWHERE, which is...the point. It doesn't seem like this is paradise for you. You've basically been on a never-ending vacation, and vacations are only special because they end.

Chidi

So we have an idea. We're gonna set up a new kind of door, um, somewhere peaceful, so that when you feel happy and satisfied and complete and you want to leave the Good Place for good, you can just walk through it and your time in the universe will end.

Tahani

You don't HAVE to go through it if you don't want to, but...you CAN...and hopefully, knowing that you don't HAVE to be here forever will help you feel happier while you are.

What will happen when we go through it?

Well, we don't really know, exactly. All we know is, it will be peaceful, and your journey will be over.

Michael

You led great lives. You earned your place here. So stay here as long as you like. Use the Green Doors to see and do every single thing you want to see and do. And when you're ready, walk through one last door...and be at peace. Does that sound good?

Eleanor

Seems like they're into it!

Chidi

Hey there, Doug.

Hi.

Chidi

Having fun?

I've had so much chicken!

Chidi

It's probably good you chose your young body.

Yeah.

Michael

How are you doing?

I'm okay, Michael. How are you?

Michael

Well, I'm sad, and I know you're the most advanced being in the universe, but I feel like I need to tell you: it's okay if you're sad, too.

I know. And I am a little, but also, I know this is the right time for him to leave. I really am okay, I promise.

Michael

Will you come talk to me if you're not?

Always.

You can sit on that bench as long as you want. Whenever you're ready, you just walk through.

Jason

I love you, Janet.

I love you, too, Jason.

Jason

I hope you have a nice rest of eternity.

Mm.

Jason

I made you something. [fidgets through his pocket] AW DIP, I lost it!

It's okay!

Jason

No, it's not! I made you this cool thing so you remember me even when you're married to Aquaman, and I...lost it somewhere in this forest. Some magical squirrel probably ate it.

Jason, it's okay. I'm never gonna forget you. In fact, to me, you won't even really be gone. I don't experience time the same way you do. I kind of live all times at once.

Jason

I know what you mean. Once, I smoked salvia, and saw the past and the future at the same time...

Mm.

Jason

Then I tried to brush my teeth with my cat.

To me, remembering moments with you is the same as living in them.

Jason

Can you just remember the happy times and forget the bad stuff?

There was no bad stuff. It was all good.

Jason

Oh, dip! You're back!

JASON!?

Jason

Yeah!

Wha...but how...why-

Jason

Funny story! Remember how I made you something and I thought I lost it because it wasn't in my pocket?

Uh-huh?

Jason

Turns out it was in my OTHER pocket! By the time I found it, you were gone. I was just gonna leave it for you, but I was worried it would get eaten by that magic squirrel. So, I decided to wait for you to come back. Every so often, a different Janet came, but...I knew it wasn't you.

Jason, it's been, like, a THOUSAND Bearimies.

Jason

I know, but I wanted to see you again. It was actually pretty easy to wait.

Jason

I sort of just sat quietly and let my mind drift away...thought about you, and the infinity of the universe.

Kind of like a monk.

Jason

What do you mean?

Um...

Jason

Looks good, not-a-girl.

Jason

Chidi, wait up!

What do you think happens when people walk through the door? It's the only thing in the universe I don't know.

Eleanor

I don't know either. The wave returns to the ocean. What the ocean does with the water after that is anyone's guess. But as a very wise not-robot once told me: "The true joy is in the mystery."

Do you mind if I stay here until you're gone?

Eleanor

Only if you say that thing I taught you.

...I hate to see you walk through the final door at the edge of existence...but I LOVE to watch you leave.

Eleanor

There we go.