Tahani quotes from The Good Place

Trevor

Look, if you don't come with us, we're gonna have to turn this matter over to Shawn.

Michael

Oh, oh, no, um, Shawn, really?

Chidi

What uh, who's Shawn?

Michael

He's the wise, eternal Judge who sits on high, has the final say on all disputes between our two realms.

Tahani

And his name is... "Shawn"?

Jason

Number five is number one. Number seven is number two. Number three and number four are tied for number three.

Tahani

What are you talking about?

Jason

I'm ranking my favorite Fast and the Furious movies. You said you wanted to know who I am, and this is the best way to get to know me.

Tahani

And is, uh, that a family member?

Jason

I wish. That's Ariana Grande, the sexiest woman alive.

Tahani

You wish that you were related to a woman you want to have sex with. You know what? It'd be one thing if you just weren't a Buddhist monk, but you're barely even a regular, functioning person.

Eleanor

There has to be something bigger I can do than holding the door and waving. There's no way every Walmart greeter is in the Good Place.

Tahani

[confused] Wall mart?

Eleanor

It's a place that regular people go. You haven't heard of it.

Tahani

Look, I know this is tedious, but holding a door for someone is three points, and if you do it for everyone in the neighborhood, then that's almost a thousand points for just a start. Besides, all the big ticket items are impossible, I'm afraid. It's not as if you could, you know, "sacrifice your life to save others" or "change the consciousness of a nation." Both of which I did, by the way. Such fun!

Tahani

Eleanor, everyone hates you.

Eleanor

Well, fork you too.

Tahani

No, this is good. Now that we know, we can actually do something about it. And I am an expert at mediating conflict, like when my friends Scary, Sporty, Posh, and Baby had an issue with my other friend Archbishop Desmond Tutu.

Michael

Hi there, since there's no Janet here to serve you, I brought you two a little treat.

Chidi

Ah, kind of like a last meal?

Michael

Not like a last meal, just, uh, the final food you might ever eat.

Tahani

I'm gonna miss these little perks when I'm down in the Bad Place, being forced to wear a knock-off handbag and drink tap water.

Chidi

That's what you think hell is?

Tahani

It's just that I'm not used to dressing like a plumberess. Is that what you call a female plumber or is a toilet sweep or, or clog wench? In any case, that's how I'm dressed.

My darling, you are in the Good Place. Relax. Feel the breeze on your feet. That's why crocs have holes in them!

Jason

I'm too young to die and too old to eat off the kids' menu. What a stupid age I am.

Tahani

I'd never survive down there! They should take Eleanor! She's a pear shape! She'd fit right in!

Eleanor

Oh, excuse me! You WISH you could have a bite of this pear!

Tahani Al-Jamil, social activist, philanthropist, neck model and now cover girl for "International Sophisticate Magazine."

Tahani

Oh, it's such an honor. I have long dreamt of being one of the women or yachts who grace your cover.

Let's begin with your sister, Kamilah. A woman who, as you know, was offered the spot on our cover, but turned it down.

Tahani

[annoyed] I actually didn't know that. Please, carry on.

Well, next week, Kamilah will travel to Cleveland, Ohio to become the youngest person ever inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. Remarkable.

Tahani

...Is there a question?

Don't you find that remarkable?

Tahani

Kamilah is very impressive. As you know, she released her debut album only six months ago and yet, the critics thought it was so brilliant that the Hall of Fame decided to waive its 25 year waiting period. Sadly, I will not be attending the ceremony because I will be in Haiti on a relief mission. Perhaps we should talk more about that.

Perhaps we should. But first, another question about Kamilah. Don't you think she and I would be friends? We have a lot in common, we are both Capricorn, and we're both only children.

Tahani

...

I'm sorry, I forgot about you.

Tahani

Oh, no. I died in Cleveland?

Michael

I don't think that should be your biggest takeaway from that story.

Tahani

Vicky may be some demonic torturer from the netherworld, but does she have taste? Sophistication? An encyclopedic knowledge of traditional and avant-garde Belgian floral design?

Jason

Yes! She does.

Jason

Whenever we auditioned a new dancer, we would rate them in five categories: dancing ability, coolness, dopeness, freshness, and smart-brained. I would give you an eight in every category.

Tahani

Well, eight isn't bad, I suppose.

Jason

No, no. Eight is the best. It was a scale of 1-13, but eight was highest. The scale went up and then back down like a tent.

Tahani

Why? It's not important.

Jason

Why are you so scared that someone will know we're pounding it out?

Tahani

Precisely because you refer to lovemaking as "pounding it out."

Jason

Maybe you should talk about this with a friend.

Tahani

But then that person would know we were together.

Jason

Right. Then you can talk about why it is that you don't want anyone to know we're together.

Tahani

But then that person would know, and I don't want anyone to know.

Jason

I know. I'm saying you should talk to someone about how weird it is that you don't want to talk to someone about how we're together.

Actually, it might help me if I could hear Jason's side as well.

Tahani

Oh, no, no, no. That'll only slow things down. Look, I'll tell you his side. He thinks that I have to control everything and that he has no voice in this relationship. Right, Jason? Good. Now, where were we? I just heard that.

Jason

I went to Lynyrd Skynyrd High School in Northeast Jacksonville, which was really just a bunch of tugboats tied together.

Tahani

Didn't you get seasick?

Jason

No, sorry they were tied together in a junk yard. It wasn't a very good school. For most of my classes, we just sold dirty magazines door-to-door.

Tahani

You know, Jason, every single detail about your life is deeply disturbing. And yet, I envy you. I was never allowed to goof off.