Michael? How did it go? Is the Committee going to help us?
The Committee's a bunch of ineffectual dorks in fleece vests. The Titanic is sinking and they're writing a strongly worded letter to the iceberg. How much more evidence do they need? The Bad Place has to be tampering with the system. There's no other explanation.
Can I ask you an unrelated question?
Absolutely not! The fate of all humanity is at stake and time is running out!
Go ahead.
I'm trying to help Jason and Janet navigate some very complex feelings but everything I do makes it worse. You know them better than anyone else. How do I just make them happy?
How do you make Jason happy? You give him a lollipop shaped like a Transformer.
You'd think it'd be that simple. But EVERY TIME I do something nice, it backfires. There are so many unintended consequences to well-intentioned actions! It feels like a game you can't win!
...That's it...there IS another explanation: unintended consequences! Oh, Tahani...you did it.
Well, of course I did, darling...did what?
All along, I've only been looking at ONE Doug. But there's...[flips through the pages]...MILLIONS of Dougs in here.
In 1534, Douglass Wynegarr of Hawkhurst, England, gave his grandmother roses for her birthday. He picked them himself, walked them over to her, she was happy, boom, 145 points. Now...
Yeah, here we go...
In 2009, Doug Ewing of Scaggsville, Maryland, also gave his grandmother a dozen roses. But HE LOST four points. Why? Because he ordered roses using a cell phone that was made in a sweatshop. The flowers were grown with toxic pesticides, picked by exploited migrant workers, delivered from thousands of miles away which created a massive carbon footprint, and his money went to a billionaire racist CEO who sends his female employees pictures of his genitals! WHOO!!
That is a VERY odd thing to cheer.
Don't you understand? The Bad Place isn't tampering with points; they don't HAVE to. Because every day, the world gets a little more complicated and being a good person...gets a little harder. Gather the others, we have a lot to do.
But we didn't really deal with my thi-
Okay. I'll just...figure it out...
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