There is something called the Doctrine of Double Effect. In order to remain ethical, you can't just go into this with the intention of killing Derek. Your only goal has to be to spare Jason and Tahani from future pain by filling them in on Jason's past.
MichaelNo, I got you, I got you. So, it's like ethically we should tell Jason that he used to be married to Janet, and it sure would be terrible if that ultimately led to Derek's death, wink.
No, the winking is bad. You should not be winking or saying the word "wink.
Michael
As long as I'm with you guys, I'm always in the fake Good Place.
That doesn't sound as nice as you think it does.
Michael
The real Bad Place was the friends we made along the way.
Nope. Still nonsense. One more try.
Michael
In a way, the Good Place was inside the Bad Place all along?
You know what? That's technically true. I'm gonna give it to you.
Michael
I just made an aphorism.
Michael
See the Judge exists in a sort of neutral zone, separate from the Good Place and the Bad Place. The only things there are the Judge's quarters, the accounting department, and the Janet warehouse. There's also an IHOP.
Oh! I'm gonna order the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity! No.
Michael
Sorry. In this realm, IHOP stands for "Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes". You don't really eat these pancakes. It's more like they eat you.
Okay. I'll get eggs, then.
Michael
You know, I had a friend that said whenever she was doing something bad, she'd hear this this little voice in her head, distant little voice, saying, "Oh, come on now. You know this is wrong." And then when she started doing good things, that voice went away. It was a relief.
Your friend sounds like she's one pick short of a pickle party.
Michael
She's a little rough around the edges, but she was also a really good person, when she tried. See, I think that little voice was her conscience, trying to guide her in the right direction.
I gotta go home. What do I owe ya?
Michael
The real question, Eleanor…is what do we owe to each other?
What? Did I sell you a drink? - Am I a bartender?
Michael
Drinks are on me. Good luck.
[Michael has just shown on a board how the timeline in the Afterlife looks like the name "Jeremy Bearimy" in English Cursive. Chidi approaches the board.]
Okay, but, um...what the hell is this? The dot...over the i? The HELL is THAT?
Michael
Okay, um...how do I explain this concisely? THIS....is Tuesdays. And also July.
And sometimes it's never.
Michael
That's true. Occasionally, that moment on the Bearimy Timeline is the time moment when nothing never occurs. So...you get it.
[Chidi has very clearly gone insane.]
...THIS BROKE ME. The, UHH...the dot...over the i. That broke me, I'm...I'm DONE.
You know what? I'm glad this whole thing happened because now, I can go back to living my life the way I used to: only caring about myself because being good is POINTLESS.
Michael
NO, no ah, please, Eleanor-
No. Thank you. I'm outie. See you in Hell.
[Eleanor makes to leave, but turns around with a gasp of realization.]
You what I just realized? I always say that whenever I leave a room. But now? It's accurate! I will LITERALLY... SEE ALL OF YOU IN HELL.
J1Janet 1
Dudes, why are there so many Janets and why do I sound like Janet?
J2Janet 2
You also look like Janet. Do I...? Why?! What?! What is happening?! [gets a stomachache much like Chidi]
J3Janet 3
[In a British accent like Tahani] Oh , no! Am I...wearing a vest?! Oh! Michael, help me!
Michael
This is gonna be tricky. How can we tell them apart?
J4Janet 4
[Points to own breasts in excitement]
Michael
[Points to Janet 4] Okay, that one's Jason.
Holy forking shirtballs...we're in the Good Place!
Are we SURE we're in the ACTUAL Good Place? It's rather...carpeted.
Yeah, I don't see any go-karts, much less go-karts being driven by monkeys wearing sunglasses and Hawaiian shirts.
Michael
No, this is definitely some part of the Good Place. Just take a deep breath.
Whoa! That smells like Typhoon Falls! My favorite water park when I was a kid! Mmm...chlorine, suntan lotion, Band-Aids and a thick cloud of teen hormones.
Michael
When I was researching my fake neighborhood, I learned about this. The Good Place smells like whatever makes you happiest.
Warm pretzels...or, no, wait...it's the smell of absolute moral truth?
Those two things have very similar smells.
Michael? How did it go? Is the Committee going to help us?
Michael
The Committee's a bunch of ineffectual dorks in fleece vests. The Titanic is sinking and they're writing a strongly worded letter to the iceberg. How much more evidence do they need? The Bad Place has to be tampering with the system. There's no other explanation.
Can I ask you an unrelated question?
Michael
Absolutely not! The fate of all humanity is at stake and time is running out!
Michael
Go ahead.
I'm trying to help Jason and Janet navigate some very complex feelings but everything I do makes it worse. You know them better than anyone else. How do I just make them happy?
Michael
How do you make Jason happy? You give him a lollipop shaped like a Transformer.
You'd think it'd be that simple. But EVERY TIME I do something nice, it backfires. There are so many unintended consequences to well-intentioned actions! It feels like a game you can't win!
Michael
...That's it...there IS another explanation: unintended consequences! Oh, Tahani...you did it.
Well, of course I did, darling...did what?
Michael
All along, I've only been looking at ONE Doug. But there's...[flips through the pages]...MILLIONS of Dougs in here.
Michael
In 1534, Douglass Wynegarr of Hawkhurst, England, gave his grandmother roses for her birthday. He picked them himself, walked them over to her, she was happy, boom, 145 points. Now...
MMicheal
Yeah, here we go...
Michael
In 2009, Doug Ewing of Scaggsville, Maryland, also gave his grandmother a dozen roses. But HE LOST four points. Why? Because he ordered roses using a cell phone that was made in a sweatshop. The flowers were grown with toxic pesticides, picked by exploited migrant workers, delivered from thousands of miles away which created a massive carbon footprint, and his money went to a billionaire racist CEO who sends his female employees pictures of his genitals! WHOO!!
That is a VERY odd thing to cheer.
Michael
Don't you understand? The Bad Place isn't tampering with points; they don't HAVE to. Because every day, the world gets a little more complicated and being a good person...gets a little harder. Gather the others, we have a lot to do.
But we didn't really deal with my thi-
Okay. I'll just...figure it out...
GGwendolyn
I have no choice. I have to turn you in to the Judge.
Michael
Don't bother. I already did.
DThe Doorman
Hey, Frogman. The Judge agreed to your terms. She'll meet you at IHOP.
DThe Doorman
So, this is the Good Place, huh? Hmm.
DThe Doorman
Smells like frogs. Cool. Let's go.
The Good Place · 289 quotes
