Sophia Petrillo quotes from The Golden Girls

Sophia

Oh Dorothy, can I make a little suggestion when you go for your makeover?

Dorothy

Sure. What is it?

Sophia

Don't expect a miracle.

Sophia

When I thought I was moving, I was going to give each one of you a gift, but I want you to have them anyway. [hands a wrapped package to each of the girls]

Blanche

Why Sophia, how sweet!

Rose

Oh honey, you shouldn't have!

Dorothy

[opening her package] Oh Ma, this is so lovely... and so familiar... this is mine. I thought the cleaner lost it.

Sophia

I told you the cleaner lost it. I took it. I needed something to go with my black sweater.

Rose

[examining the sweater in her package] This is my black sweater!

Sophia

I know. It goes great with...

Blanche

...my pearls.

Sophia

Well, enjoy and be healthy! [leaves]

Blanche

[just as Sophia is entering the room] So Rose, you're seeing a psychiatrist.

Sophia

It's about time! The woman gives names to her gingerbread men!

Dorothy

Ma, have a wonderful trip and call me the minute you get there. And please, Ma, try not to argue with Phil's wife.

Sophia

We get along okay. Phil's wife has her good points. She's sweet, she's reliable, and when her father gets out of prison, she'll be a wealthy woman!

Dorothy

[Nervously] Uh, Ma, this is Dr. Johnathan Newman.

Sophia

Hello. I hope that this doesn't sound rude... [Blanche and Dorothy are holding each other, looking like they are waiting for a disaster.] ...but I just came from a long trip, and I'm very tired. If you'll excuse me.

Of course. Lovely to have met you.

Sophia

Likewise. [Begins to walk away] Dorothy, can I see you for a minute? [Dorothy walks over. Sophia speaks in a hushed voice.] That man over there, is he a midget?

Dorothy

Yes

Sophia

Thank God, I thought I was having another stroke!

Rose

Who was known as the world's fastest human being?

Sophia

Dominic Tanzi.

Rose

It says Jesse Owens here.

Sophia

Trust me, it was Dominic Tanzi. He got four women pregnant in one night. Two in New York, two in New Jersey.

Dorothy

I am going out with a new man tonight and he is not Italian.

Blanche

Oh, who is he, Dorothy?

Dorothy

Oh, his name is Glenn O'Brien.

Rose

Where'd you meet him?

Sophia

His name is O'Brien. Two to one she met him at a gin mill.

Dorothy

Hi, Ma.

Sophia

So you've started up with your married man again.

Dorothy

How did you know?

Sophia

I'm The Amazing Kreskin! I was listening outside the door.

Dorothy

Oh Ma.

Sophia

Oh, I can't put my ear to the door but you can put your....

Dorothy

Ma!

Rose

I can't tell her her husband died in my bed.

Sophia

Tell her you went to turn on the sprinklers, and you found him on the lawn.

Rose

That's not bad...

Dorothy

Oh, Rose.

Rose

Well, I've never had to do this before! Tell a wife that her husband's been cheating on her with me! That's the hardest thing ever to have to tell anybody.

Blanche

Oh, no, it's not! How about having to tell a pregnant woman that her husband's been cheating on her...with her own sister...and you're the sister...and you're pregnant too. By her husband.

Dorothy

You...didn't!

Blanche

Not me! Last night on Dallas! Or Dynasty or Falcon's Landing, or one of those, they're all the same.

Rose

Oh! I thought you were the one-

Blanche

Oh please! I could never do a thing like that. And if you ever saw my brother-in-law, you'd know why!

Sophia

[to Rose] There's a man in your bed.

Rose

...Sophia, there's not!

Blanche

[to Rose] Why, you devil, you!

Dorothy

So that was what we heard! Rose!

Blanche

Rose got lucky!

Sophia

Not so lucky. The man in your bed is dead.

Sophia

Fine, let a dead guy lie there. It's gonna be 98 degrees today. It won't be pretty.

Dorothy

Oh, I'm sure he's not dead. Rose, go look.

Rose

Come on Dorothy, he's sleeping. I don't want to wake him.

Sophia

You could light firecrackers in his nostrils, you won't wake him.

Blanche

My whole life is an open book.

Sophia

Your whole life is an open blouse!

Sophia

A lie is a lie, which is a sin, which sends ya straight to hell. Who told a lie?

Blanche

Oh, who hasn't?

Sophia

Me. I never lie.

Dorothy

Ma, how much did you lose at the dog track last week?

Sophia

None of your business, and that's the truth!

Sophia

[interrupting Rose's conversation with Charley] Are you two coming? The spaghetti is getting cold!

Rose

We'll be there in a minute, Sophia. We're in the middle of a makeup lesson.

Sophia

I hope the kid can help ya. You wear more rouge than Miss Piggy.

Blanche

Let me get a look at you, girl! Terrific little figure, gorgeous hair, perfect skin! Just like looking in the mirror.

Sophia

Get some Windex!