Sophia Petrillo quotes from The Golden Girls

Dorothy

How am I supposed to study for my French final with a fourteen-year-old in the house? It's hard enough with an eighty-year old.

Sophia

Are you referring to me?

Dorothy

Of course not, Ma. I'm referring to Cary Grant. He's living in the broom closet.

Blanche

[after Sophia slaps David for mouthing off] Is that all you Italians know how to do, scream and hit?

Sophia

No, we also know how to make love and sing opera!

Blanche

Well, what do you know? Sophia has a past!

Sophia

That's right! But unlike yours, I didn't need penicillin to get through it.

Rose

[smelling Sophia's spaghetti sauce] Sophia, that smells heavenly! Is it Chef Boyardee?

Sophia

[holding up a kitchen knife] Stick it in my heart, Rose, it'll hurt less!

Sophia

[to Dorothy] I can't believe you're denying your own mother.

Rose

Denying her what?

Dorothy

Springsteen tickets Rose.

Rose

The name Madonna doesn't really fit her.

Sophia

"Slut" would be better!

Rose

Sophia!

Dorothy

Oh, please, please! She did things on that stage I never did with my husband!

Sophia

[playing Scrabble with Dorothy] I win!

Dorothy

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. There is no such word as that!

Sophia

There certainly is.

Dorothy

Fine. I'll look it up, and if it isn't in the dictionary, I win.

Sophia

We don't have a dictionary.

Dorothy

Yes we do.

Sophia

Not anymore, the robbers took it.

Dorothy

They stole our dictionary?

Sophia

That's right. Too bad.

Dorothy

Ma, "disdam" is not a word! You made it up.

Sophia

It's a word!

Dorothy

Fine. Use it in a sentence.

Sophia

[pauses] You're no good at disdam game!

Blanche

Sophia, where're you going?

Sophia

To my room.

Rose

But you can't, it could be dangerous!

Sophia

Please, I'm 80! Bathtubs are dangerous!

I'll buy you some of that bikini underwear.

Sophia

Nah, it rides up on me.

Dorothy

You know, Ma, you don't look good.

Sophia

I'm short, and old. What are you expecting--Princess Di?

Sophia

Ohhhh!

Dorothy

What, ma? What?!

Sophia

Pain.

Dorothy

What kind of pain?

Sophia

The kind that hurts!

Rose

Is there anything else we can get you, Sophia? A little tea, perhaps?

Sophia

I'm not in England, I'm having a heart attack!

Sophia

Didn't Aunt Teressa have a heart attack?

Dorothy

No, Aunt Teressa didn't have a heart.

Sophia

Uncle Nunzio?

Dorothy

Uncle Nunzio died to get away from Aunt Teressa.

Sophia

AAAAAAAAAAH!!

Dorothy

What, ma? What?!

Sophia

"What???" You're sitting on top of me! I open my eyes, I see pores like that, I think I'm on the moon!

Dorothy

Why did I ever marry that man?

Sophia

Because he knocked you up!

Dorothy

Why did I let that happen?

Sophia

Because he got you drunk!

Sophia

Beats the hell out of me!