Rose[in a flashback scene] This is a nice place. Do you come here a lot?
JJohn
Oh, no, not really. I don't have much of a social life.
WWoman
[approaching table] So, this is where you bring your cheap fake-blonde floozies! John, you disgust me; and as far as I'm concerned, we're through. [storms off]
Rose
Who was that?
JJohn
My sister. I recommend the Poulet Véronique.
Rose
John, I have a rule; if I can't pronounce it, I don't put it in my mouth. Say, do they have gugenfrøtter?
PWPregnant Woman
[to John] Alan! Alan, please, talk to me! You haven't answered my calls, you don't answer my letters, Alan, please, what can I say? What can I do to get you back?
Rose
"Alan"?
JJohn
Nickname. [to pregnant woman] Susan, Susan, please, this is not the time or the place!
SSusan
It's me, isn't it! I've driven you away. What if I dyed my hair? [looks at Rose] I'd even dye it that color! If they still make that color.
JJohn
Susan, it's over and you have to accept that; and a word of warning: I haven't graded your final exam yet. [Susan leaves; to Rose:] So, shall we order separate entrees and share?
Rose
Hold it! Who was that?
JJohn
Okay, okay, so I've had a couple of bad relationships with women, that's not so unusual. Now, where is our waiter? ... Oh, waiter!
MWMale Waiter
[to John] Well, well, Peter! We just swing the way the wind blows, don't we? [looking at Rose] And who's this, Glinda the Good Witch of the North? You disgust me! After the way you've treated me, I should scratch your eyes out! [voice breaks] Call me!
Rose
You know, I don't think this dinner was such a good idea.
JJohn
Now Rose, please don't leap to conclusions.
Rose
I'm sorry, John, but I think I'll just catch a cab---
JJohn
Rose, you're hurting my feelings. Believe me, this is not what it seems! John Patrick Anderson is a regular guy!
PPolice Officer
[to John] Shlomo Ziegler?
PPolice Officer
[handcuffing John] You're under arrest! Your days as the Freeway Flasher are over!
JJohn
I know what you're thinking, Rose, but you're wrong, and if I can make bail I'd love to see you tomorrow night.
Rose
I don't think so.
JJohn
May I call you? I get one phone call... [the police haul him away]
Rose
Man!
MWMale Waiter
[to Rose] I think we both need a hug!
Rose
[running a telethon by herself with only Blanche to man the phones] While Blanche is doing that, why don't I head on over to the piano? I'd like to sing you a song that I used to sing as a child. It's an old Minnesotan farm song entitled "I Never Thought I'd Grow a Hair There." [plays a piano intro, then sings] Oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, Oh what the hell is that...
Rose, we just got a pledge for twenty dollars.
Rose
Oh! Let's go to the tote board. Drum roll! [grabs drum sticks and plays a roll, then hits the cymbal. $20 comes up on the tote board.] We're off to a good start. OK, now where was I? Oh, yes! Where Hans first spots the hair. Oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa...
Rose! Rose, I just got a pledge for fifty dollars if you will stop singing.
[over the phone to Blanche] That's right. Fifty bucks if she stops singing, and I'll throw in another fifty if you slam the piano lid on her fingers.
Haven't you ever been glad when one of your relationships ended? Rose, how about that guy you dated last summer, don't you remember, the one who played Goofy at Disney World?
Rose
I remember the passion, yes.
Do you remember why it didn't work out?
Rose
It just didn't.
Rose
I don't want to talk about it.
Oh Rose honey, there's nothin' to be ashamed of.
Rose
He took off the Goofy head. [looks sad and pensive]
Took off the Goofy head. See? That's not so bad. [looks at Blanche and rolls her eyes]
[on her idea to have Rose "cheat on" Miles] I have been giving it some serious thought, and I finally have come up with the perfect solution for your very sensitive problem with Miles.
Rose
What?
Rose
I can't cheat on Miles!
Well, maybe "cheat" isn't quite the right word. Just think of it as one night out with my rich friends from Texas.
Rose
Well, why isn't that cheating?
'Cause you're not gonna get caught. Come on, Rose, just think about it: a delicious dinner at an elegant restaurant, at night...
Rose
[pausing] You mean no coupons, Blanche?
Rose
Chefs who don't wear pirate hats?
Rose
And he'll pay for everything, I don't have to leave the tip?!
Rose
[singing happily] I'm gonna cheat on Mi-iles, I'm gonna cheat on Mi-iles!
Rose
[on her problems with Miles] Lately he's gotten, I don't know, really tight, and I hate it!
Oh? Well, I'm just the opposite. I love a tight man. A tight man with cast-iron pecs... thighs that could choke a bear... and a butt you could eat breakfast off of... then the two of us would... [pauses briefly, snaps back to reality] Rose, when did you get in?
Rose
Blanche, I've been here the whole time! I was telling you about Miles being tight!
Oh, I love a tight man! A tight man with cast-iron pecs... thighs that could---
Rose
No, tight with money! He's cheap!
Oh - tight with money? Dump him.
Rose
I feel so terrible about last night. I might have thrown away the perfect relationship, and for what?
Well, it's your own fault for cheating on Miles!
Rose
Blanche, it was your idea!
It's the execution, Rose. I said don't get caught.
Rose
I don't know what I'm going to do. What if he doesn't come back? What if I've lost him? What if I turn into a lonely old spinster and never find love again?
[laughs, engrossed in the funny pages] Oh, look! Garfield caught a fish!
[Shot of interstate highway at night]
Rose
[voiceover, singing The Name Game] Let's try it now with Dorothy. Dorothy Dorothy bo-borothy, bonana-fana-fo-forothy, fee-fi-mo-morothy...
[Sound of car screeching to a halt]
[voiceover] Get out, Rose.
[dictating her will to Rose] I, Sophia Petrillo, being of sound mind and body, do hereby leave my daughter, Dorothy Zbornak... [grins] NOTHING!
Rose
Sophia!
It's a joke, I'm kidding. Like when I said, "Sound mind and body."
Rose
Sophia, wills are no joking matter! Charlie tried to be funny with his and left everything to Henrietta, our prize cow. Well, some lawyer got a hold of the will and represented Henrietta on contingency! There I was, presenting my side to a jury of her peers! It took over six months to get the farm back!
[Rose nods]
[annoyed] I mean it - it's a terrible story! [calmer] But you must have been relieved when you won.
Rose
Oh yeah, we celebrated. With a big, thick steak.
[Sophia comes through the door just as Miles walks out]
Miles, I'm glad you're here, I need to talk to you --
[Rose walks through the house and out the door]
Rose, this is really important --
Rose
Maybe later, Sophia.
[Dorothy comes out of the kitchen and starts into the hall]
Dorothy, I can't breathe!
Not now, Ma! [pauses] Alright, but this better be important.
It depends. How important is...[shows Dorothy the ring] ...the Pope's ring?
[looking at the ring] Alright, Ma, squirt me in the face and get it over with.
[on learning that Rose had 56 boyfriends during her senior year of high school] If that were true, Rose, then that would mean you were... a slut.
Oh, come on, Blanche, how can you say that? So the woman had fifty-six boyfriends in one year. She's not a slut.
Rose
Thank you, Dorothy.
She is The Slut! She is the Grand Poobah of Slutdom! She is the easiest woman in this room!
Dorothy Zbornak, you take that back!
[indicating Blanche and then Rose] The Slut is dead, long live The Slut!
The Golden Girls · 1,009 quotes
