Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Sophia

We're out of pepperoni.

Dorothy

[fake gasps] Did you call Dan Rather?

Dorothy

If I don't get at least six hours sleep, I look like Buddy Ebsen!

Blanche

[thinks] Now that you mention it-

Dorothy

Shut up, Blanche.

Blanche

Well, I certainly didn't wait for my wedding night, honey. I couldn't - I had these urges. You know, in the South, we mature faster. I think it's the heat.

Dorothy

I think it's the gin.

Rose

[while reading her phone messages] Why, oh why can't grief take a holiday?

Dorothy

Oh, it does Rose, it does. Eventually, it comes to Miami like everyone else.

Rose

It's terrible, just terrible! I am so upset.

Dorothy

Rose, Rose, honey, sit down sweetheart, tell us all about it. Ma, would you get Rose some water?

Sophia

What is she going to do with water? Has water ever made you feel better when you were upset? Have you ever heard anyone say: 'Thank God, the water's here'? Call me when dinner is ready.

Dorothy

Listen, Mom. We cannot afford a new TV. We're using the household money to repair the roof and repave the driveway.

Sophia

Great. And what I am supposed to do while every other old lady on the block is watching Cosby?

Dorothy

Well, you can sit in the new driveway and hope that an amusing black family drops by.

Dorothy

[sorting through items for their garage sale] Will you look at this? I got this doll on my tenth birthday. Oh, I can't believe I kept her after all these years. Her hair's falling out, her clothes are all worn. [sniffing as Sophia enters the room] And she smells of mothballs.

Sophia

Hey, I may not be Ann-Margret but I'm still your mother!

Blanche

[telling a story about "guilt"] Just about the time that George and I were getting serious, he was shipped off to Korea. Well, I wanted to do my part for the war effort so I took a job in a factory that made canteens. I figured that one of the canteens that I had riveted would find its way to George, and his lips would drink from the galvanized spout I had so lovingly fashioned, thereby symbolically reuniting us.

Rose

Blanche, that's a beautiful reason to take that job.

Blanche

Well, that wasn't the only reason. That factory also had a comprehensive dental plan, and I was in desperate need of a bridge and two crowns.

Dorothy

War is hell.

Blanche

So were my teeth. Anyway, while I was working on the assembly line, I met a young man named Andrew Beandorf. Oh, it was just a platonic thing, we just went out to the movies and dinner, but when George came home on leave, he was furious. He accused me unjustly of infidelity, while he was off fightin' in some foreign land, some God-forsaken land where people didn't even believe in Jesus, and he forbade me ever to see Andrew again. So of course I didn't.

Dorothy

So you lost a good friend, just because George made you feel guilty about it.

Blanche

That's right. I lost a good friend, and a wonderful companion, and an excellent lover!

Rose

An excellent lover???

Blanche

[laughing] Did I say excellent lover? I meant excellent riveter.

Dorothy

I can understand how you could confuse the two.

Howdy, ladies. My name's Rusty. I don't recollect seeing you two fillies 'round these parts. Mind if a lonesome cowboy puts his saddlebags 'round your campf...

Dorothy

Give us a break, would you mac!

Rose

[after she wins the coin toss to decide who gets the room Blanche had promised to both her and Dorothy] Don't worry, Dorothy, I'll make it up to you. If there's ever a night when you can't sleep, I'll come into your room and sing "Kumbaya".

Dorothy

Rose, I don't know what to say. Yes, I do: Don't ever do that.

Blanche

It was at that moment I realized that my bosoms had the power to make music!

Dorothy

Didn't Bette Midler win a special Grammy for that?

Blanche

[about the movie Psycho] It's the reason I prefer not to shower alone.

Dorothy

Sure, Blanche, and Goldilocks and the Three Bears is why you prefer not to sleep alone.

Rose

Excuse me, you made a mistake. Those peaches aren't 59 cents a pound, they're 89 cents. Honesty is the best policy.

Blanche

What are you trying to do, qualify for some scout badge?

Rose

Well, I can't help it if I'm an honest person. Obviously something you don't know anything about.

Blanche

What are you talking about?

Rose

Well, you bought pantyhose in petite. Anybody could see, you couldn't get those past your knees!

Blanche

If you don't keep your voice down, I'm going to hit you in the head with this loin of pork.

Dorothy

[looks at loin of pork] Oh, Blanche, c'mon, 15 dollars and 99 cents?! Now this is too extravagant! I'm not going in on this, besides, I don't even like loin of pork.

Blanche

Well fine, I'm not going in on this night stick.

Dorothy

This is a pepperoni.

Blanche

It's obnoxious.

Rose

Oh, excuse me, you made a mistake, that Windex isn't on sale this week. The regular price is $1.99.

Dorothy

Rose, why don't you just save it for the The Price is Right?!

Rose

Excuse me for trying to be a good American.

Blanche

Would you two please keep your voices down?! I have shopped and dated extensively throughout this market!

Dorothy

That does it, that does it, I am shopping for myself.

Rose

Fine, Blanche and I will do very nicely on our own.

Blanche

Oh no, I'm not shopping with you, Mary Poppins.

Rose

Fine!

Blanche

All right, who put the Raisin Bran in the refrigerator?

Dorothy

I did, do you have a problem with that?

Blanche

Yes I do, I have two problems with it. First, there isn't room enough for it and second, it does not go in the refrigerator, it goes in the cabinet.

Dorothy

It does not go in the cabinet. It stays fresher in the refrigerator.

Blanche

No, it does not stay fresher in the refrigerator; if it stayed fresher in the refrigerator there would be a sign on it saying "refrigerate."

Rose

Actually, you're both wrong. It does not go in the cabinet and doesn't stay fresher in the refrigerator, it belongs in a glass canister. Not only is it visually appealing but you could see if they cheated you out of raisins. I thought everybody knew that.

Dorothy

You know, until I met you, Rose, I didn't know that people actually talked back to their Rice Krispies.

Dorothy

Oh girls, let's face facts. The three of us just can't agree on anything. I mean, it is obvious we were not meant to live together.

Blanche

I hate to agree with you, but I think you're right.

Rose

I think so too. In fact, I know so. This is exactly what happened during the Great Herring War.

Blanche

The Great Herring War?

Rose

Yes. Between the Lindstroms and the Johanssons.

Dorothy

Oh, that Great Herring War.

Rose

The two families controlled the most fertile herring waters off the coast of Norway, so naturally, it seemed like it would be in their best interest to band together. Oh, boy, was that a mistake. You see, they couldn't agree on what to do with the herring.

Dorothy

Well, that's understandable. I mean, the possibilities are overwhelming.

Rose

Exactly. The Johanssons wanted to pickle the herring and the Lindstroms wanted to train them for the circus.

Blanche

Weren't they kind of hard to see, riding on the elephants?

Rose

Oh, not that kind of circus. A herring circus. Sort of like SeaWorld, only smaller. Much, much smaller. But bigger than a flea circus.

Dorothy

[struggling to control her laughter along with Blanche] Uh, tell me, Rose, did they ever shoot a herring out of a cannon?

Rose

[after a long pause] Only once. [Blanche and Dorothy start laughing uncontrollably] But they shot him into a tree. After that, no other herring would do it.

Blanche

You're making this up!

Rose

I am not. My grandfather told me that story. Of course, he also used to call me by my sister's name. And sometimes, he'd wear his underwear on the outside of his pants. I guess he wasn't a very reliable source.