Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Dorothy

Ma, what you're doing?

Sophia

This is for sandbags Dorothy, there's a hurricane a-coming!

Dorothy

A-coming?

Sophia

That's right! People only use the A when a really big storm is a-coming or a-brewing, so grab a sack and start a-shoveling!

Dorothy

Ma, the weather report said nothing about a hurricane.

Sophia

Ida Pearlberg down at the senior centre woke up this morning with a leg cramp. Need I say more?

Dorothy

YES!

Sophia

Dorothy, when you get around my age two things happen. 1. you get more intuitive about the weather and 2. corn becomes your enemy!

Dorothy

Ma, even if there is a hurricane A-coming...

Sophia

Don't patronize me!

Dorothy

I'm not patronizing you, I'm A-mocking you!

Dorothy

Look Ma, if there is a hurricane coming it's not gonna get here for a while so come on, sit down and relax.

Dorothy

She's out of M-O-N-E-Y.

Stan

Well, she's not getting mine!

Dorothy

She's not out of monkey, Stan; she's out of money!

Dorothy

Well, this is it! My last session with Stan and the psychiatrist. How do I look?

Blanche

Oh, fine, why?

Dorothy

It's so hard to dress for a psychiatrist. You wear black, they think you're depressed. You wear red, they think you're angry.

Blanche

You wear a negligee, they think you want to sleep with them.

Dorothy

Why aren't you arrested more?

Dorothy

In every relationship, there are always times when you don't wanna be with each other. I mean, Stanley and I went through a period where we had no marital relations at all. I totally cut off his sex.

Rose

You mean it grows back?

Dorothy

[sarcastically] Yes, Rose. He's a lizard!

Dorothy

Haven't you ever been glad when one of your relationships ended? Rose, how about that guy you dated last summer, don't you remember, the one who played Goofy at Disney World?

Rose

I remember the passion, yes.

Dorothy

Do you remember why it didn't work out?

Rose

It just didn't.

Dorothy

Right, but why not?

Rose

I don't want to talk about it.

Blanche

Oh Rose honey, there's nothin' to be ashamed of.

Rose

He took off the Goofy head. [looks sad and pensive]

Dorothy

Took off the Goofy head. See? That's not so bad. [looks at Blanche and rolls her eyes]

Blanche

You don't believe that Grammy's here, that she talks to me!

Dorothy

Of course I do, sweetheart. [imitating Blanche's grammy] Blanche, this is your grammy! Y'all get yourself out of here you dumb peckerwood!

Rose

Oooh, I heard it that time too! Feet don't fail me now! [flees the room]

Rose

[voiceover, singing The Name Game] Let's try it now with Dorothy. Dorothy Dorothy bo-borothy, bonana-fana-fo-forothy, fee-fi-mo-morothy...

Dorothy

[voiceover] Get out, Rose.

Dorothy

Ma, I cannot BELIEVE what you were doing on the Interstate.

Sophia

I was living for the day, pussycat.

Dorothy

YOU WERE MOONING A CHAIN GANG!

Sophia

And did you see the looks on their faces?! They probably hadn't seen a woman in years!

Dorothy

I guess you're right; they kept up with us through four warning shots.

Dorothy

Ma, what are you doing up?

Sophia

Disappointed, huh? If I'm up that means I'm alive, and if I'm alive it means you can't get your hands on my money.

Dorothy

What are you talking about?

Sophia

You know about the will. You know if I die you'll be on easy street. What did you do, Dorothy, slip cyanide into my mouthwash? Ha ha, the joke's on you, I don't use it.

Dorothy

Oh Ma, come on, you're just being silly. [pours a cup of tea] Here, have some tea. [gets a mysterious, sinister expression on her face] It'll relax you.

Sophia

Nice try, Dorothy. Rose, you taste it.

Dorothy

Rose, DON'T!!! ... [calmer] That tea was for my mommy.

Sophia

You try to do right by your kids, and you end up as the lead story on Hard Copy!

Sophia

As you know, my child, I'm getting on in years and I've decided it's time for me to settle my estate.

Dorothy

What estate, your loofah sponge and bus pass?

Sophia

Don't forget the four gold teeth from when your father worked at the funeral parlor. "Perks" he called them. That's the kind of stock you come from, Dorothy.

Dorothy

I come from graverobbers?

Dorothy

I was up all night thinking of how Ma's been hoarding all those checks from Phil and Gloria while I've had to go without.

Blanche

Well now, Dorothy, you really can't blame Sophia for your sex life.

Dorothy

That's not what I'm talking about! But since you brought it up, yes, I can! If I'd had the money, I could have been living in a swinging condo instead of with... I'd better not say anything until I've had my coffee. [she takes a sip of coffee] ...A SLUT AND A MORON!!!

Dorothy

...I'm sorry, it must be decaf.

Sophia

Dorothy, Rose is helping me make out an ironclad will.

Dorothy

Wait, you're using Rose as a lawyer?!

Rose

I know what I'm doing! Every Thursday I watch La Law.

Dorothy

That's "L.A. Law!"

Rose

I wondered why Susan Dey didn't have a French accent!

Sophia

Miles, I'm glad you're here, I need to talk to you --

Miles

Later.

Sophia

Rose, this is really important --

Rose

Maybe later, Sophia.

Sophia

Dorothy, I can't breathe!

Dorothy

Not now, Ma! [pauses] Alright, but this better be important.

Sophia

It depends. How important is...[shows Dorothy the ring] ...the Pope's ring?

Dorothy

[looking at the ring] Alright, Ma, squirt me in the face and get it over with.

Blanche

[on learning that Rose had 56 boyfriends during her senior year of high school] If that were true, Rose, then that would mean you were... a slut.

Dorothy

Oh, come on, Blanche, how can you say that? So the woman had fifty-six boyfriends in one year. She's not a slut.

Rose

Thank you, Dorothy.

Dorothy

She is The Slut! She is the Grand Poobah of Slutdom! She is the easiest woman in this room!

Blanche

Dorothy Zbornak, you take that back!

Dorothy

[indicating Blanche and then Rose] The Slut is dead, long live The Slut!

Sophia

I'm looking through the personals to find myself a man. Remember what that is, Dorothy? It's an animal, kind of like a woman, except that it's got a...

Dorothy

MA! I know what a man is! But I tell you, I would never look for one through the personals. And you know why? Because I have standards, I have intelligence, I have class. And you know what else I have?

Sophia

It's not self-awareness, that's for damn sure. Hey, listen to this: "Older gentleman seeks lady of refinement. I like moonlit nights, romantic Italian dinners, and waking up in the morning. If you're old enough to remember when Sinatra was skinny, please send letter and photo." This is the one, he's perfect! I've found myself a man!