Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Sophia

[immediately after Marvin confesses that he and Sarah are husband and wife, not brother and sister] Dorothy, you can come in now.

Dorothy

I thought the two of you would like some nice cold lemonade.

Sophia

Marvin is married to Sarah.

Dorothy

[pauses, to Marvin] You don't get any lemonade.

Rose

[upset because she can't remember Thor] Boy, it's finally beginning to happen. I'm getting old and forgetting things, forgetting people who at one time were important to me.

Sophia

Don't be ridiculous, you're as mentally fit as you ever were. We all are.

Rose

Oh, thank you... [stares at Sophia for a few seconds with a blank look on her face]

Sophia

Sophia!

Rose

Sophia.

Sophia

You're welcome...

Rose

Rose.

Sophia

Rose.

Dorothy

Any wonder we get nursing home brochures by the truckload?

I'm just here to pick up Marvin.

Sophia

Well, if it isn't Mrs. Caligula! Come on in and pull up a whip!

Dorothy

You two have a lot of explaining to do.

I'm sorry, Sarah. I told them we're married.

Oh dear.

Dorothy

Why did you lie to my mother?

We didn't mean to lie, we just wanted to make sure that Sophia was the right one.

Dorothy

Then it is true! You wanted my mother for sex games! Oh my god, this is unbelievable!

Sophia

It's not that unbelievable.

Blanche

Rose, could I see you for a moment?

Rose

[walks over] You're mad, aren't you?

Blanche

Rose Nylund, every man I know is watching this show, this live show, this live show about lesbian lovers of Miami.

Rose

Every man you know is watching? Hey, we could beat The Price is Right!

Dorothy

Rose, we can't kill you here because there are cameras. Now how did this happen?

Rose

Oh, I don't know. They just said they wanted two women who loved each other and slept together.

Dorothy

We DO NOT sleep together!

Rose

Yes, you did! Last month, whe-, when Blanche was having her room repainted because the plaster behind her headboard all fell out!

Blanche

Listen. I'm not going through with this!

Rose

Blanche, if you leave, they'll fire me!

Dorothy

Good. My mother is here. My teacher is here. Good!

Rose

If I lose my job, I won't be able to do anything but... sit home and tell St. Olaf stories!

Blanche

Blackmail! Oh, ho, ho, ho, very smart!

Rose

Hey, they don't call me "Harold Goldstein" for nothing!

Dorothy

[aside, to Blanche] Maybe if we don't say anything. We're not on camera that much, I mean, we can't let Rose lose her job.

We're back. Let's meet our panelists... Dorothy, a lesbian. Blanche, another lesbian. And Pat and Kathy, image consultants.

Dorothy

How come THEY'RE not lesbians?

We don't believe in labels.

Oh - I see we have a question from the audience. Yes, sir?

Are there male-female roles in the relationship?

Blanche

Well, I AM the little homemaker if that's what you mean. [laughs nervously]

Dorothy

[pissed] Now, wait a minute, just w...

Dorothy

...and I take out the garbage.

Fascinating. Any other questions? Ah, here we go.

Sophia

[pointing at Blanche] This is directed to Dorothy's lover. Do people treat you differently because you're a lesbian?

Blanche

[laughing nervously] Most people don't know.

Sophia

Really? I would've guessed right off. Next question to Dorothy. What kind of pain and embarrassment has this lifestyle caused your mother?

Dorothy

[menacingly] I really don't know but, I'll ask her tomorrow when I visit her at... THE HOME.

Sophia

No more questions.

Dorothy

Well I guess at 17, 23 sounds kind of dangerous and forbidden.

Rose

When you're 17 a cow seems dangerous and forbidden. [notices the others looking at her strangely] Am I in the minority here?

Sophia

[enters the kitchen] Dorothy, I just got off the phone with my girlfriend Gladys. She thinks you can do better than Blanche.

Dorothy

I agree, but Ma, if it's all right with you, I have a lot of work to do here.

Rose

I can't believe you're still working on that article! I thought you were just going to help organize it.

Sophia

I can't believe you're doing this again. You're letting him take advantage of you like he did in high school.

Dorothy

He is under a lot of pressure and I don't want him to kiss his deadline! [weird looks from everyone] Miss. Miss his deadline.

Sophia

Ooooh, Mr. Gordon! [makes kissing sounds]

Dorothy

[in her dream, upon seeing and hearing that Rose is the returning champion] This woman is an idiot!

Oh, really? She didn't get knocked up in high school!

Blanche

Dorothy, where are the Ural Mountains?

Dorothy

Well, well, well, Blanche, a pound of make-up and a tube of lip gloss can't help you now, can they?

Blanche

I don't need you anyway. [touches guy next to her] Hey, show me yours and I'll show you mine.

Rose

Dorothy, isn't this something? You've become what we call in the news business a hot story.

Dorothy

And you've become what we call in the revenge business "next."

Rose

This isn't so bad. Look there's a chair. Look Dorothy a chair. This isn't going to be bad at all. [to Blanche, quietly] Can we go home, now? It's getting dark out.

Dorothy

Someday, I'm going to get out of this hell hole and come looking for you.

Rose

Don't spend all of your time in here hating me Dorothy. Learn a trade.

Rose

[thinking of ideas for her job] "Miami's sordid sex scene. Who's behind it?"

Dorothy

[points to Blanche] That's her, she's the one!

Blanche

I have a little exercise I do whenever my self-esteem is kind of low. I say my name and then I list three positive things about myself. I'm Blanche Devereaux. I'm beautiful, men find me desirable, and people want to be my friend. Go on, now you try.

Dorothy

Oh, Blanche.

Blanche

Oh, please. Please.

Dorothy

[Sighing] Oh. I'm Dorothy Zbornak, I'm beautiful, men find me desirable and people want to be my friend.

Blanche

Sorry, I confused you honey. You're supposed to say three positive things that apply to you. You know, like you could say, I'm Dorothy Zbornak...I'm a good speller, and um....I'm very prompt, and um..... well actually there's..., there's no law that says there has to be three.

Dorothy

Actually, I just thought of a third one; I can snap a friend's neck like a twig.

Dorothy

[trying to explain to Rose, in a roundabout way, how she kissed Miles] Let's say you make Miles a batch of your delicious, creamy cupcakes, and he loves them so much that he wants you to make them all the time.

Rose

Miles does have a sweet tooth.

Dorothy

But let's say that, even though he loves your cupcakes more than life itself, one day he decides to try somebody else's cupcakes. For lack of a better example let's say my cupcakes. And I, in a mad passionate moment, forget myself and... [voice breaking slightly] let him try my cupcakes. How would that make you feel?

Rose

I'd like to think I'd understand.

Dorothy

Oh, good, good. I was hoping that's what you would say.

Dorothy

What?

Rose

I'm sorry. It's just the idea of Miles wanting to try your cupcakes.

Dorothy

Why is that funny?

Rose

No offense, Dorothy, but your cupcakes are dry and tasteless. Nobody ever likes your cupcakes.

Dorothy

My cupcakes are moist and delicious. Men LOVE my cupcakes.

Rose

Get a clue, Dorothy. Men would rather pay for cupcakes.

Dorothy

[angrily] Let me tell you something, you Swedish meatball! I... wait - wait a minute. You're actually talking about cupcakes, aren't you?

Rose

You bet I'm talking about cupcakes. What are you talking about? Wait a minute... have you and Miles been... baking together?

Dorothy

Rose, I would never do that to you. I swear.

Rose

Good. [picks up a coffee mug] Because if I ever caught Miles with another woman in my kitchen, I'd... [the coffee mug breaks from the pressure of Rose squeezing on it; Rose first looks at the mug in amazement, and then gives Dorothy a triumphant look]

Rose

Dorothy, how would you feel about a birthday present of a picture of me in sexy lingerie?

Dorothy

I'd rather have the cash.

Rose

Actually it's not for you, it's for Miles.

Dorothy

He'd rather have the cash.

Blanche

Where've you been?

Rose

When no one was looking, I went by the No-Show table and I got four name tags for us! Blanche, you'll be Susan Armstrong... [gives Blanche a name tag] ...and Dorothy, you'll be Cindy Lou Peeples... [gives Dorothy a name tag] ...and Sophia, you're Myron Zucker. [gives an irked Sophia a name tag]

Sophia

Rose, you idiot, there's no way I'm ever gonna pass for a man! Dorothy, trade with me?

Dorothy

Go to hell, Myron. Rose, I don't wanna wear this.

Rose

Oh come on, I looked in the yearbook and you're a dead ringer for Cindy Lou Peeples.

Dorothy

I don't know...

Rose

Trust me, it'll work, or my name isn't Kim Fung Toi [pasting tag to her shirt].