Lester, Don't make me get Ethnic on you!
S2The Aunt Who Came to Dinner
You know how they say men are animals in bed?
S2Be My Baby Tonight
Geoffrey (to Will): Aren't you dressed a little early for your date?
I ain't going on a date. I'm going on a phone call.
That's what I call safe sex.
I know where babies come from. I took sex education.
PPhil
I thought you took band.
S2Strip-Tease for Two
(at the Gingham Turtle restaurant, where Carlton is performing a striptease)
WWoman
Take it off!
Put it on! Carlton Banks, you put your clothes on this minute!
Mommy?!
(he covers his chest with his hands)
I wanna know what excuse you two have for pulling such a stupid stunt.
We needed the money.
For what? And I want the truth.
All right. It's like this Uncle Phil. See, Carlton got this inside tip on a stock.
Federal offense. Go on.
Then we pawned Aunt Viv's bracelet to get the money for the stock.
Grand Larceny. Impressive.
Then we lost the money, so we had to strip to get the bracelet back.
That would be indecent exposure. Is there more?
I'm afraid so dad. We never got the clasp fixed on mom's bracelet.
(all three start laughing)
You never got...I don't know what to say. What can I do? What do you boys think I should do?
I don't know...reward us for our honesty? (they laugh again) Hey, it worked for the Beave!
"The beave"!
[they all laugh inaudiably; Philip suddenly stops]
[loudly] DO I LOOK LIKE A WHITE GUY NAMED WARD?! Now, you get that bracelet back and for the next six weeks, I don’t want to hear you breathe. Or I’m calling the feds MYSELF!
[pause] I guess this probably ain’t the best time to tell him we ran over the mailbox.
S3How I Spent My Summer Vacation
[after Will touches a car]
CSCar Security System
You are too close to the vehicle.
Who said that?
CSC.S.S.
You are too close to the vehicle.
I heard you the first time.
CSC.S.S.
You have 10 seconds to move away before the alarm activates.
Oh, really, now? [sings the Jeopardy! theme while looking at his watch] 10 seconds, I knew you was full of it.
[the alarm activates]
[Will runs into a police officer]
CCop
Who were you talking to, son?
Oh, actually, I was talking to the car, officer.
CCop
[sarcastically] Oh, the car talks?
Yeah, hold on. [jumps on the back of the car] It says "move or I'll kill you", something like that. [laughs] Damn!
[the cop takes Will away]
CSCar Security System
You are too close to the vehicle.
S3Will Gets Committed
Will (to Noah): Hey man, I'm from Philly. We had to save up to be poor! You don't get it.
NNoah
Yeah, I get it all right. you come down here with your X-cap and your cool Doc Martins and you're all dope and word to your mother and you think that makes you committed. This isn't a game, Will and if you think it is, then maybe you better not come back because you don't get it.
Vivian, where were you yesterday?
Shooting hoops with Michael Jordan.
S3That's No Lady, That's My Cousin
(Philip is telling Will and Carlton about his freshman year at Princeton)
For extra money, I had to work for the Princeton Daily. My first assignment was to interview the town's most famous stripper: Boom-Boom Lasalle.
(The guys start laughing)
I wonder why they called her that.
For some reason, she took a liking to me. So she invited me to come with her and her sister to her dressing room for drinks.
You the man, Uncle Phil.
Anyway, one thing led to another and before you know it, this old country boy...(Vivian slams a plate of food on the table in front of him) finished his Yoo-Hoo and went right home.
Wait a minute, Philip. Go back to when you finished your Yoo-Hoo.
(after their school goes coed) It's a disgrace. It's a scandal. It's an outrage.(a girl walks past him) It's the mother of my children.
(After Will sees a hot girl walking by)
Hurt me, hurt me! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's up, baby?
VVeronica
The name's Veronica.
Ooh, Veronica, I like that.
VVeronica
Great, now I can die.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, now, baby, I noticed you noticing me and I just want to put you on notice that I noticed you too.
VVeronica
And?
And I just want to let you know that I might let you consider being with me.
VVeronica
Is that what passes for a compliment?
Wait, listen...
VVeronica
No, you listen. If you want a shot at being with me, maybe you should try talking to me like a normal human being. Got it?
Actually, baby, you got it, but I'll take donations!
(Ashley is worried about her first day at a new school)
What if no one likes me?
Just do what Carlton does: give them money.
[Ashley walks into the room, coughs AHEM and the boys crowd her]
Wow. Will, check out the talent. She's cool, she's hot, she's...
YOUR BABY SISTER, MAN!
[shrieks]
[Ashley laughs and smiles; Carlton and Will rush over to her]
Yo! Ease back, man! Ease back!
[They chase the boys away]
What do you think you're doing?
Buzz off, small stuff!
That's it, Ashley! I want you to-- I'm ordering you to look unattractive!
[Ashley rolls her eyes, looks away and laughs]
(to Ashley) What did you have for breakfast, hormones?
Beat it! I'm workin' the room! [Walks up to a boy]
Hi, Bobby
Where'd she learn to walk like that?
And where did she get that Lee Press-On body?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.