Philip quotes from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Carlton

Big poopie.

Philip

What did you say?

Carlton

I say... Uh... Beg, puppy. To my pretend dog, Ernie. (doing the throwing the ball hand movement) Fetch, Ernie. He's gone now.

Will

I'm from West Philadelphia, born and raised. On the playground is where I spend most of my days. I ain't got no fancy court room talk or a law degree from Princeton like my worthy adversary Judge Philip Banks. But what I do have is the truth! (slams palms on table in front of Philip)

Philip

Oh, shut up, Will! Your Honor, this man is making a mockery of the entire legal system!

Will

And this man is making a mockery of a finely cut Italian suit!

Philip

Do you know how humiliating it is to have a son who can't swim?

Will

Listen, Uncle Phil--

Philip

SILENCE! If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you!

[appears] Hello, Mr. Banks--

Philip

What's she doing here?

Will

Uncle Phil, s-she wandered over lonely and crying, and I didn't have the heart to turn her away--

Philip

HIT THE BRICKS, YOU LITTLE TRAMP! Go on! [Stephanie runs off crying] And tell your mother your father has a girlfriend! [to Will] I'm going back into the house, and when I come out, I want all these freeloading parasites OUTTA HERE! [snarls]

Will

Y-yes, sir! Within the hour!

Philip

FIVE MINUTES!

Will

FOUR!

Philip

Alright, Will. If that's the way you want it. [walks off, laughing maniacally]

Will

O.K., Miss Banks. You were the former tenant of the aforementioned pool house. Is that correct?

Hilary

Yes.

Will

O.K., could you please tell us of your experiences there?

Hilary

Am I under oath?

Of course.

Hilary

Well, Trevor would come over at about 3:00 in the morning and we would...

Objection!

Jazz

Hey, Dad. Now that I'm gonna be in the family, maybe we can talk about my trust fund.

Philip

What did you say?

Hilary

Jazz and I are getting married.

Philip

Over his dead body.

Hilary

Doesn't anyone care about how I feel?

No!

Philip

I want to talk to you about something. It's about my daughter posing for your magazine. Now, suppose your daughter got involved in this whole world?

My daughter is involved in this whole world. She runs the Playboy empire.

Philip

OK, well, then lets say someone you really care about... like your wife. Suppose she decided to pose?

Well, my wife was the playmate of the year and I'm very proud of that.

Philip

Don't you understand there are some parents who aren't comfortable with their daughters being stared at by millions of people?

I understand. Over the years, I've had to deal with a lot of parents. You seem like a decent man. I promise you: the pictures will be tasteful.

Philip

Come on people, I weigh the same I weighed back in high school.

Will

Yeah, if you add up all 4 years.

Philip

Would you do me a favor, Will?

Will

Uncle Phil, we are not stoppin' fa' no burger!

Philip

No. No. No. Would you tell Carlton to look after the family just in case this is my last ride?

Will

Your last ride? Whatcha talkin' 'bout, man? We gonna go for plenty o' rides in ambulances, man.

Philip

Geoffrey, fetch me my tools.

Geoffrey

You mean your knife and fork?

Philip

Now I know how Captain Ahab felt when he hunted Moby Dick.

Geoffrey

Between the two of you sir, is the cricket the whale?

Ashley

Come on, Daddy, 10 years? The Menendez boys will be out before I am.

Philip

The Menendez boys were home by their curfew.

Philip

Good night, Geoffrey.

Geoffrey

Good night, sir... idiot

Philip

I can't stand it. This chirping is burning a hole STRAIGHT into my skull.

Geoffrey

There she blows, capitain! By the table! By the table!

Carlton

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Philip

I got him! I killed that little sucker!

Philip

Where'd you last put the insecticide?

Geoffrey

In your soup.