Philip quotes from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Ashley

I'm sorry. I won't do it again.

Philip

Of course you won't, sweetheart...because you're grounded for the next ten years.

Ashley

Ten years?!

Philip

Or whenever you move out the house, whichever comes first.

Ashley

But that's not fair!

Philip

Tell it to the judge. Oh, That's me. (passes a plant and the chirping stops) I killed the cricket!

Geoffrey

(sarcastic) Ah, what a horrible death!

Will

You know what Uncle Phil? I think I loved her.

Philip

Oh... Bull. You hardly even knew her. It's the life style you're in love with.

Will

So you're saying the only reason I loved her is cause she's rich and let me sponge off of her?

Philip

Yes.

Will

Then, I love you too, Uncle Phil.

Philip

[eats what seems to be a cake] Mmm. This fat-free cake isn't bad, Geoffrey.

Geoffrey

Sir, that's a sponge.

Will

Uncle Phil, you CANNOT go to the Hotel with that Woman.

Philip

It's just for a little dinner.

Will

Yeah, then dessert, the likes of which even you ain't never seen. Listen, Uncle Phil, Janice is the one that got away, right?

Philip

Yeah.

Will

Well, she ain't get away from me.

Philip

What?

Will

Uncle Phil, I was dropping Wendy off back at the hotel, right? And then you know I'm walking down the hall, and then Mrs. Robertson comes up and she asking me about the quake, so you know I'm going in and telling her and then she slips into something more comfortable. And then she grab these pictures, she's showing pictures of San...San-something, and then, you know, before I knew it, you know: ta-dow.

Philip

Ta-dow?

Will

Taaaaaa-dow.

Philip

Ta-dow. OOOH! YOU SLEPT WITH JANICE!

Ashley

[As her Father] Ashley, go to your room.

Carlton

Oh, I love this!

Ashley

[As her Father] And take Carlton with you.

Carlton

Hey I'm not going anywhere.

Philip

You heard what I said.

Philip

I'm sorry, Will.

Will

You know what? This actually works out better for me. You know, the slimmies of summer come to class wearin' next to nothing, y'know what I'm sayin'?

Philip

Will, it's all right to be angry.

Will

Hey, why should I be mad? At least he said goodbye this time. I just wish I hadn't wasted my money buying this stupid present. [pulls a father-son statue from his bag]

Philip

I'm sorry. You know, if there was something I can do--

Will

Hey, y'know what, you ain't got to do nothin', Uncle Phil. You know, ain't like I'm still five years old, you know? [getting emotionally charged] Ain't like I'ma be sittin' every night asking my mom: "When's Daddy comin' home," you know? Who needs him? Hey, he wasn't there to teach me how to shoot my first basket, but I learned, didn't I? And I got pretty damn good at it too, didn't I, Uncle Phil?

Philip

Yeah, you did.

Will

Got through my first date without him, right? I learned how to drive, I learned how to shave, I learned how to fight without him, I had fourteen great birthdays without him! He never even sent me a damn card! [looks back at where Lou just left] THE HELL WITH HIM!!! ... I didn't need him then, I don't need him now.

Philip

[as Will passes him] Will…

Will

No, you know what, Uncle Phil? I'ma get through college without him, I'ma get a great job without him, I'ma marry me a beautiful honey, and I'ma have me a whole bunch of kids - I'ma be a better father than he ever was! And I sure as hell don't need him for that, 'CAUSE THERE AIN'T A DAMN THING HE COULD EVER TEACH ME ABOUT HOW TO LOVE MY KIDS! [pause; breaks down] How come he don't want me, man? [uncle Phil embraces him]

Philip

So, I have an ugly side.

Geoffrey

And you could write "Good Year" on it.

Will

Hey, Ashley, you didn't tell me that dude blew in your ear.

Philip

Me, either.

Ashley

Uh... I embellished?

Will

(on the phone) Hey, Uncle Phil.

Philip

Hey, Will, are you calling from the plane?

Will

Actually, I'm not on the plane.

Philip

Oh, did you miss your flight?

Will

Sort of.

Philip

Then, when are you coming back?

Will

I'm not.

Philip

I'm going to be watching you like a shadow!

Will

With you, it would be more of an eclipse, huh?

Will

Uncle Phil. Hey man, what are you doing here?

Philip

I'll tell you what I'm doing here. Years ago, I fell in love with and married a wonderful woman named Vivian. Vivian had a sister named Vy. Vy gave birth to a child named Will, whose sole purpose in life is to make mine a living Hell! Now, you have done a lot to me these last 4 years, but how you managed to have me ripped out of my wonderful life in Bel-Air and relocated to this landfill boggles my mind!

Philip

What are you thinking about?

I'm just trying to recall what it felt like to be 15.

Philip

It was so long ago, how could you remember?

Philip

I'm just so upset, I'm saying things I don't even mean.

Philip

We can see Will, but we have to go right home after that.

Why?

Philip

Well, apparently we're driving the nursing staff crazy.

Hilary

I don't understand. I'm just a visitor. Why do I need medication? And what is Prozac anyway? Do you think I need this? I feel fine.

Will

Uncle Phil, are you gonna let me go anytime soon?

Philip

(calmly) No, Will.

Will

That's cool.

Philip

I am going to get to the bottom of this mishap once and for all!

Will

EARTHQUAKE!

Will

Would you like to buy a vowel?

Philip

This trial is gonna be the death of me. We lost another juror today.

Will

Did you look under your robe?