Hector quotes from The Casagrandes

I'm never beginning with washing my head here again!

When did you start?

Ernesto

Buenos dias, mis estrellitas. Today, I am talking about the water sign.

Oh, Maria, that's you.

Ernesto

A lifetime of happiness is in sight if…

If…

Ernesto

You're back with your ex by tonight. Es tu destino!

Maria, you're getting back together with Arturo. I knew it.

Ugh, ay, Mama. You know I don't believe in any of that Ernesto stuff.

Yeah, me neither. But it's so weird because the other day he predicted… [flashback to the day he was brushing his teeth, squeezes the toothpaste tube and cash comes out] I'd find treasure in the bathroom. Check it out. It smells like mint.

Money in the bathroom?! [dashes into the bathroom]

Finally, I'm free! [looks in shock to see everything in a disaster]

Stanley

Boy, bird weddings are fun!

What's going on?

Bad luck, that's what!

Nonsense. Every wedding has its setback.

This is more than setbacks. It can only be due to one thing: las arras!

Ah. I fixed the strings. [the guitar strings break again] Chihuahua.

Sergio, I thought you said you got all 13 coins.

I did. I'll prove it. [takes out the coins and counts them] 10, 11, 13. Boo-yah!

You forgot 12, genius.

[gasps] That means that one lucky coin is still missing!

Missing?! [growls with rage and tries to go after Sergio while the whole family holds her back, slowing her down] Let me at him! [calms down; sadly] Ay, without the last lucky coin, the marriage will be cursed with bad luck forever.

[gasps] Paulina, my love. We don't need luck. [Paulina sobs in tears and runs away; turns to his primo, crossly] Thanks a lot, Sergio! You ruined my wedding! Paulina! Please, come back! [flies after Paulina for consolation]

[sadly with guilt] I guess Paco was right to doubt me. I'm not best-man material.

That coin has to be somewhere.

Ronnie Anne

We must have missed something.

Yeah, one coin. Keep up.

Hector, what're you doing under the table?

Huh! You're the health inspector who shut down my studio.

Ooh, this is gonna feel good cuz it does wanna feel good! [eats a bucket of popcorn]

Him? He's not a health inspector. He's my favorite husband.

Awkward.

It seems like two of you like to have a lot to talk about. I'm going to reopen my studio cuz I want to reopen my studio.

Another time to bounce, everyone!

Hector Casagrande, explain.

Well, I was tired of hearing you talk about Ivan and his dance class earlier, okay? So, I hope if the world were making them shut it down, that might act like the other end of it.

[sharply with anger] Hector! How selfish could you feel?! I don't want to talk to you for now. [walks to the door, rips it off, and leaves]

[walks in along with Vito] Gee, who could see this coming?

Aww. I need to fix this.

[burps] And I need more popcorn.

Ronnie Anne

You're lucky you didn't have to walk Lalo. He is not in a fun mood.

Hey, Lalo! Why did you do that?! Now I have to go nap in the mercado.

[after Malo takes a bite out of his El Falcón action figure] Hey! Lalo ate El Falcón's head!

[bare-footed as Malo starts chewing on her pair of boots by the door] Those are my new boots!

Bobby

Lalo, what's going on with you? [screams as Malo bares his teeth, growling at him]

We better figure it out. Abuelo hates when pets misbehave.

[squawks] I woke him up once. Almost made parrot tacos out of me.

Parrot tacos? Ew!

Hey! I'd make a great taco. [Malo visualizes him as a taco and tries to eat him; flies away] I take it back! I'd make a terrible taco!

[after Malo barges into the mercado, knocking her over] This is an awful shopping experience!

Grab his leash before he destroys my entire mercado!

Bobby

I got this!

Wait a minute. There's two of them?!

Ronnie Anne

[after Lalo licks her] Now this is our Lalo.

[growls back at Malo after he growls at her] And this is my Malo!

Okay, I don't follow.

I think I know what's going on. When I adopted Lalo, I chose him from a litter of perritos. [Flashback to the day he adopted Lalo as a puppy] But one of them was clearly not for our familia. I called it a perro malo. And the woman giving the puppies away said Malo was the perfect name, 'cause he was bad to the bone. Then I saw another puppy who was the complete opposite, showing me lots of love. So I decided to call him, Lalo!

Ronnie Anne

They must have switched places when I was walking Lalo. I should have been paying attention to him instead of trying to watch the show. [to Lalo] I'm so sorry, boy.

Hey, Hector! I waxed your floors! Take a look.

[comes, slips on the light yellow substance, and goes crashing through the aisles; mad] You used butter! The expensive kind!

Then what did I put on my toast? [licks the pink substance on his toast, with his tongue all shiny] Ew, wax. Just put it on my tab.

[enraged at Vito, after he drives the van in reverse and crashes through the mercado door] VITO!

Oofa doofa, did you know that thing went backwards?

You broke my mercado!

Oh, gee, I'm really sorry.

Take your dogs and get out!

I'll make this right! I'll work overtime and long weekends and…

No thanks! You've done enough damage! Now, don't bother coming back here until you pay off your tab!

Bobby

Abuelo, I aced my test! Well, except for the decimal points section. I can never figure out where those little things go.

Huh? That explains it. You put the decimal point in the wrong place. Vito, you owe $100, not $10,000. [he, Vito, and his dogs growl furiously at Bobby after what they went through]

Bobby

[chuckles nervously, realizing he's in a lot of trouble] Just remembered I got another test tomorrow. Gotta run! [skedaddles out of the mercado]

[to his dogs] Get him, boys!

[enters excitedly] Hola, I'm home! Ho, you guys will never guess what Vito wears to bed! [only sees his family, all super mad at him] What? You already know about the bunny pajamas?

No, Abuelo. This is a convention.

Actually, Carl, the word is "intervention."

Hector, your chisme addiction is embarrassing your family.

Bobby

And making the customers mad.

You're a chismoso. And by that, I mean, you're the biggest gossip in town.

What? [not seeing the problem] I'm not a gossip. Anyway, as I was saying… Vito wears his pajamas with huge bunny ears! [the family grumbles at him; realizes what he's doing] Okay, now I see it. I didn't even know I was doing it. I'm sorry. I never meant any harm.

I know, mi amor, but when you talk about people behind their backs, it can be hurtful.

Ah, you're right. As of today, I am swearing off chisme. Right after I tell you about Mr. Scully's toupee. [snickers, then Ronnie Anne shoves a pillow in his mouth to shut him up]

[squawks] This won't be easy.

Ronnie Anne

Don't worry, Abuelo, we can come by the mercado and help you cut the chisme.

Another intervention? But I was doing good! I got the scratch marks to prove it!

That's the problem. We're not getting our chisme.

Why does Abuela get to pick what we do today? [gasps] Can I pick?

I wanna pick!

Ronnie Anne

I wanna pick!

No. It's Abuela's turn. Rosa, get in here before these bobo's steal your pick!

Coming! Who's ready for a fun day of birdwatching in the woods?

Ronnie Anne

Uh, say what?

Birdwatching is my new favorite hobby, and I want to see how many different pajaros we can spot from my book, "Cuckoo for Birding."

Ronnie Anne

Abuela, I don't know. Birdwatching sounds, uh, how do I put this nicely? Super boring.

Bobby?!

Bobby

I'm so sorry. I'm not Jean-Philippe. He moved to Paris and I've been living here ever since.

¿Que?

But Bobby, why?

[noticing the canned corn sofa] That's where my canned corn went. [screams as the swarm of bees resume attacking him]

There's so much chaos at home, and I felt like I needed my own space. Please don't use the super-chancla!

Bobby

[chuckling uncomfortably] Why are we laughing? I'm scared.

Bobby, you should've talked to us.

You're an adult now, and you can make your own decisions, mijo.

Bobby

Oh, really? What about when Tío Carlos went to college and you moved into his dorm with him?

That was his idea! He wouldn't stop crying and begging me to stay.

What a baby.