Hector quotes from The Casagrandes

Bobby

Ugh! I hate cats!

They're so temperamental.

Couldn't agree more.

Furry bobos.

So greedy with their nine lives.

Ronnie Anne

[walks down the hall with her sleeping bag, packed up, humming; bumps into her grandparents, looking cross as they block her way to the door; grunts] Uh, can I just get to the door?

Sergio tells us you're camping in Great Lakes City Cemetery tonight.

Mis bebes? At a cemetery? At night?! Nunca!

Much too scary for kids.

[squawks] Even for me!

Ronnie Anne

Well, that's the point. Legend has it 40 years ago, a group known as the Fearless Four spent the entire night in the cemetery. No one's been brave enough to do it since. Until tonight. [points to Maria on the couch, munching on popcorn, with Carlos sitting next to her, reading a book] And Mom gave me permission!

Well, I'm her mom, and I didn't give her permission to give you permission.

Oh, come on, Mama. You let Carlos and me go when we were kids.

Heh! Maybe you'll make it longer than we did. Maria couldn't last an hour.

[scoffs] Me? You wanted to leave.

Uh, no...I'm pretty sure that was you.

I really don't think so. [pushes Carlos' book of the couch; starts getting in a cat fight with him] You gonna cry, huh? Gonna cry, widdle baby boy?

MOM!

[sighing with exasperation] Aye…

We got you!

¿Que? What's going on here?

Ronnie Anne

We know it was you scaring us, we figured it out last night. [flashback to the Casagrande apartment] Mom, it was so scary. There was a skeleton and a zombie and a spider!

It's okay, mija. [she and her hermano realize something] Wait... Carlos, isn't that what scared us when we were kids?

It is.

Sid

[eating a tamale] It was so scary, I'm not gonna sleep for weeks.

Ronnie Anne

Sid, where'd you get that tamale?

Sid

The spider dropped it.

Rosa, your tamales gave us away!

You weren't complaining when you were stuffing your face.

Ronnie Anne

Anyway, we realized it was you who scared us.

And us. I mean, uh, Maira.

Oh you wish.

Ronnie Anne

So my friends and I teamed up with Mom and Tío Carlos to get you guys back.

We did?

Ronnie Anne

Laird, I thought you knew?

No! No one tells me anything! I've been genuinely terrified all night.

GLUE IT BACK ON! GLUE IT BACK ON! [shows his new haircut; he's bald with hair around his ears much to Frida's horror]

Huh, you look like someone familiar, and guapo.

[hugs his madre] Mom! Carlota made me look like Abuelo! [angrily shakes his fist at Carlota] I'll never forgive you for this!

I'm sorry, I do my own hair every day and I look fabulous. So I just figured… Why would this be any different?

Well guess what… it IS different!

[takes a piece of foil] This isn't gold, it's just chocolate wrappers.

And the wrappers are coupons. [reading] "Congratulations you found the golden treasure. Here's 30% off for your dining pleasure. Sincerely, Pancho Villa's Tacos."

[enraged] Abuelo, you just let us out on a wild goose chase for coupons?!

Oh yeah, Pancho Villa's Tacos. Now I remember, Rosa and I had our first date there. Ha. I must have saved that message in a bottle as a souvenir.

Stanley

Next stop, disappointment. Chugga chugga boo-hoo.

How are you going to make it up to us, Hector? The least you could do is buy us all some tacos.

Mi amor, we're sitting on a gold mine. We can sell your red tacos in the mercado and make a fortune.

[enters the apartment, naked with bath bubbles covering his body] Hey, Abuelo. I heard tacos and money. I'm in.

[off-screen] Carl, get back in the bathtub!

We don't need a fortune, Hector.

Come on, please?

[sighs] If it's that important to you, we can try, mi amor.

Ah! This is taking forever.

Yeah, customers buying tacos, like, shouldn't have to rake with the produce people.

[whispering to Bobby] She's right.

Bobby

Okay, people, two lines. If you want tacos, move to the right. For mercado items, move to your left.

[stuck in the middle] Ah, no. What if I want both? [looks around and sits down, splitting his pants]

Abuelo? What are you doing?

[wearing an apron, has his hair in a bun, vacuuming] Apparently it's my job to clean the house now.

You've turned into Abuela! [laughs] A bald Abuela! [Hector angrily takes off his chancla and tries to throw it at him, but bounces off the floor and hits him] And you don't have Abuela's aim.

Dinnertime! [enters with a pot of boiled asparagus]

[holds out his plate as his wife dips asparagus; looks around, confused] Where is everybody?

I told you, hijo, [takes out her phone showing a photo of Frida and Carlos at Burning Flan] Frida and Carlos went to that big art and music festival, Burning Flan, [scrolls down to another photo of Ronnie Anne and Bobby at Arturo's place] and Ronnie Anne and Bobby are at Arturo's for the weekend.

Oh. Dibs on their dinner! [scoops out even more asparagus on his plate and stuffs them in his mouth]

Carl, CJ, don't forget your espárragos. [dips asparagus on the boy's plates, much to their disgust]

[disgusted] Oh, yucko!

[dissatisfied] Carl, you need your vegetables.

Okay, Abuela, I'll eat 'em. [calling out] Release the chocolate sauce and sprinkles!

Release the chancla! [takes off her chancla and deflects the the hit, back at Sergio, immobilizing him, much to the boy's disappointment]

Gimme some! [grabs and wrings Sergio over his mouth]

[squawks] Release the Sergio!

[excited] Is that who I think it is?!

He didn't tell us he was coming!

Ronnie Anne

Who is that guy?

Grandpa Danny!

He's the coolest!

You're gonna love him, Ronnie Anne. He's a movie stuntman!

[walks to the window, looks down; displeased] Oh, no. Not that bobo again.

Hey ya, Hector!

Que grandpa? I'm Bobby and Ronnie Anne's grandpa, not him. That bobo's always showing up to steal the spotlight!

That's the famous Grandpa Danny? I don’t get it. Take away his cash, his looks, and his bike. What do you have left?

Hector! [snickers]

You're just as cool as that guy. Whoa! Is he doing hand-stand push ups?

Wrong day to wear red chonies, Abuelo!

Uh-oh.

That's a lot of comida, Sergio. You better eat it all, otherwise, you're wasting money. [fiercely] My money!

[chuckles nervously while sweating] Don't worry. Got two stomachs. [squawks in shock to see Sancho appearing in his sight and jumps into the trash can; mutters and mimes at him to get out of there, only for Sancho to wave cheekily at him]

What are you waving at?

[flaps his wings frantically] Oh, uh, nothing. Look, not a penny wasted. [quickly stuffs a load of food in his mouth, while looking back and forth at Sancho eating food crumbs from under the oven and spaghetti stripes from in the sink; lays on his back with a bloated stomach]

Wow. You can fit so much food in your belly. I'm jealous. [walks out of the kitchen]

[groans] Mi estómago. [Sancho comes out from under the sink doors and hops out of the kitchen] Sancho? Hey! [lets out an enormous belch, shrinking his stomach back to normal size] Get back here! [shoves Sancho back into Ronnie Anne's room] Not cool. You're gonna get me in trouble! [walks to the TV to give it to him] Just sit and watch TV. [turns back and see Sancho has already disappeared; facepalms himself, groaning; whispering while finding him] Sancho? Where are you?! [hears Sancho in the bathroom, finds him playing in the toilet, closes the door; Sancho picks up and brushes his back with the toilet brush; trying to pull him out of the toilet] Sancho, not time for a toilet bath! [Sancho brushes his head with the brush, cooing playfully]

[opens the bathroom door, seeing Sergio on the toilet seat, reading a newspaper at the moment] Ay! Perdon, Sergio.

[squawks] Almost done!

[flinching and cringing in disgust] Okay, I'll be right outside! [rushes out and closes the bathroom door]

[annoyed with anger] Sancho! [pulls him out of the toilet, only to slip and fall in it; Sancho flushes the toilet as he struggles to get out and spins down, pushes his way out by losing his feathers on the lower half of his body, making Sancho burst out laughing; walks out of the bathroom, informing Rosa, waiting outside] All yours!

[spots Sergio's shaved lower half as he walks away] Ooh!

Are you ready, papa?

[eating a torta, without pants, or enthusiasm] Ya seen one building, ya seen 'em all. Why am I going?

Anyone who donated was invited.

Uh... I don't remember donating.

I did. Now put some pants on and lose the torta. You'll ruin your suit.

I'm not a baby, I know how to eat. [eats the whole torta in his mouth, except for the condiments which end up on him; whining] Rosa, my shirt!

Gatos, Gatos, Gatos, Gatos!

[bursts into the mercado with a broomstick] Gatos?! Where, where?!

Ronnie Anne

Not real cats, Abuela. [points to the orange team banner] The soccer team!

Oh. Well, before those real gatos get here, I'll be able to feel ready. [leaves the mercado]

I don't know what you are very excited about. Everyone knows the gatos lose every game.

This is not a real game. [rips off his sweater, revealing a gato t-shirt] It's the Crosslake Championship!

[mockingly] Oh. So they're gonna be big losers! I've got my money on anyone who's not The Gatos. [rips off his own shirt, revealing a t-shirt with a "No" sign covering the team logo]

[aghast; comes from behind the counter and bumps Vito] Just wait. Our star player, Picosito, is gonna win this year. After he's hot, ay-yi-yi, he's hot!

Too bad he's been ice cold for years.