Raj quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Howard

What was wrong with that guy?

Um, he's Indian. We've already got one of those.

Sheldon

The website's frozen. I can't get in.

Leonard

Same here.

Guys, they're going to sell out!

Howard

What are we gonna do?

Sheldon

Alright. This goes against everything I stand for, but desperate times call for desperate measures. [Kneels on the floor in a prayer stance] Lord, this is Sheldon Cooper. You're good friends with my mom. I know I've spent my life denying that you exist...

Howard

Got them!

Sheldon

...and I will continue to do so!

Sheldon

Good news gentlemen! Amy's at a conference this weekend, which means I'm available to be entertained. As today's youth might put it, who wants to get their Sheld-on?

Howard

Bernie and I are getting the house ready for the remodel. We could always use an extra pair of hands.

Sheldon

Yeah, that sounds awful. Raj?

I've got time booked in the telescope room all weekend, scanning for rogue planets. You're more than welcome to join me.

Sheldon

That's the one to beat! Leonard?

Leonard

Oh, if anything, I'm trying to get my Sheld-off.

Sheldon

Well then, it looks like we have a winner. Congratulations.

Well, I should warn you, it's just looking at data for hours and hours on a computer screen.

Sheldon

Stop selling it kid, you won.

Penny

Hey, so I saw a movie trailer the other day, How could Batman possibly fight Superman? Isn't that dumb!

Bernadette

Maybe he uses kryptonite.

Well, Batman's got a lot of money; maybe he builds a suit that can do everything Superman can do.

Penny

No, no, no, no, no, I've seen that movie. It's called Iron Man.

Leonard

What is happening?

Howard

I don't know.

But it's beautiful.

Penny

How's Ben Affleck as Batman?

Oh, he was great in Shakespeare in Love.

Penny

Ooh, we should watch that next girls' night.

Bernadette

We could do a double feature with the Leonardo DiCaprio Romeo and Juliet.

Penny

Oh, I love me some Leo.

Leonard

And it's gone.

You say it like it's easy! Has any one of you ever broken up with anyone?

Howard

No.

Leonard

Not really.

Sheldon

You know, once I ordered an Uber by accident, and I just got in and went somewhere.

Boy, all this standing is making me tired. Good thing I brought my collapsible stick-chair!

Howard

Stick-chair? You look like an idiot on that thing.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chairs on sticks are comfy.

Howard Wolowitz

Maybe before our meeting we should talk to a lawyer?

Leonard Hofstadter

It's not a bad idea.

Hey, you must have someone in your family who's a lawyer.

Howard

Why? Because I'm Jewish? That's like me saying "Hey, you're Indian! Doesn't your cousin work in a call center?"

My cousin does work in a call center.

Howard

And my cousin's a lawyer.

Well I can't eat like a ten year old all the time.

Penny

You're dating somebody! Who is it?

Amy

Ever since I met Penny, I've been envious of her looks.

Penny

Awww. Thank you.

Amy

That's why I was so happy when you cut your hair off.

Penny

WHAT?!?

Amy

You know what I mean. You were still hot, but more like a "Why'd that hot girl cut off all her hair?" hot.

Penny

[to Leonard] Well, you liked my short hair, right?

Leonard

Yeah, I... loved it. Love you, love the hair, would love to change the subject.

Penny

[to the group] Seriously? None of you liked it?

Bernadette

I thought it was brave. Does that count as liking it?

Penny

You know, how come nobody's talking about Howard's dopey haircut?

Bernadette

I think he looks cute.

Howard

I think you're cure.

I think you're both cute.

Penny

I think I hate all of you nerds!

Bernadette

[in tears] How come Stuart can get her to stop crying, but I can't?

Howard

It's Stuart. Maybe she's playing possum until he goes away.

Bernadette

Not funny.

She's tired. That was funny.

Penny

So did you wind up sending that machine back?

Sheldon

I did. You know, I'm not even sure how accurate it was. I took it to the train store, it said everyone was sad.

Bernadette

[enters the apartment] I finally got Halley to sleep.

You know, I just read a study that suggests new mothers are better at sensing emotions for up to two years.

Amy

It's true. Pregnancy causes physiological changes in the brain that result in increased empathy.

Penny

Oh, so all we need to do is get Sheldon knocked up.

Leonard

We can't. He was already fixed when I found him at the shelter.

Sheldon

Yeah, all right. Bernadette, let's test this theory. What do you think I'm feeling right now?

Bernadette

Let's see... You're better than us, a little bit sorry for us, but mostly glad you don't have to be us.

Sheldon

[turns to Howard] Keep filling this one with babies, she's good.

You're an adult who can't get by without an allowance from his parents. Women don't want that.

What are you saying? That you're giving up on me? What kind of father gives up on his son?

I have six children, five of whom are married and self sufficient. I don't think I'm the problem.

How bad is it?

Sheldon

Let me put it this way, do you own a barrel and suspenders?

Are you serious?

Sheldon

I'm not wearing this visor to play women's golf.

Sheldon, what did Amy have that attracted you?

Sheldon

Oh, so many things. Her mind, her kindness, and especially her body.

Really?

Amy

Relax. We're the same blood type, he knew he could harvest an organ.

Oh, come on. You can't really be disappointed [about having a baby boy].

Howard

Hey, I barely know how to be a man myself. Now I have to teach someone?

Sheldon

As the saying goes, "Those who can't do, teach."

Amy

Don't you want a little version of Howard?

Bernadette

I already have a little version of Howard.

Howard

Heck, now I'm having a son. I'll have to teach him how to play sports, and watch sports, and-and-and-and-and...

[to Leonard] He just ran out of "Man Things", he's in trouble.