Leonard Hofstadter quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Amy

Incredible! Sheldon, I didn't expect that you could work on both projects, but I was wrong.

Sheldon

You know, I felt the same way about the spork? Solids and liquids handled by one utensil, that'll never work. Spoiler? Works.

Leonard

Gotta admit, we didn't think you'd be able to do two things at once.

Sheldon

You know, I felt the same way about the platypus. Bird and mammal in the same creature, no way! Spoiler? Way.

Sheldon

[looks around the empty room] The Air Force did it again! They're erasing our lives!

Leonard

[looks at the door] Third floor. Wrong apartment.

Howard

Although, if anyone would clean out your apartment and disappear, it'd be Penny.

Leonard

She might disappear, but she's definitely not cleaning anything.

Sheldon

Will you marry me? [his phone rings] One moment, please.

Amy

[incredulous] Really? You're gonna answer that right now?

Sheldon

It's Leonard. I don't want to be rude.

Leonard

Hey, where you been? We've been calling you for hours.

Sheldon

Oh, I'm sorry. My phone was on "airplane" mode.

Leonard

Why?

Sheldon

Because I was on an airplane. [gives Amy a "duh" look]

Penny

Hey, where are you?

Sheldon

I came to Princeton to see Amy. It's a funny story, actually. I was having lunch with Dr. Nowitzki, and she kissed me.

Penny

Excuse me?

Leonard

What?

Sheldon

And in that moment, I realized that Amy was the only woman I ever wanted to kiss for the rest of my life. So I came to New Jersey to ask her to marry me.

Leonard

If we weren't physicists, what would we be?

Howard

I don't know. Popular?

I think that you are the smartest physicist at this university.

Leonard

Really?

See? Lies. They're not that hard.

Sheldon

That's me?

Amy

It's you.

Sheldon

So you spied on me in my sleep?

Amy

Sheldon, I'm sorry. You've been doing this every night. I couldn't help but wonder if it meant something.

Sheldon

Well, it doesn't.

Amy

Are you sure? I mean, the prefrontal cortex regulates impulse control. So it's plausible that when we're asleep, aspects of our personality that we repress might come out.

Sheldon

Don't try to put science lipstick on your New Age pig! And for the record, you make noises when you sleep, and I've never accused you of repressing your inner chainsaw! [storms out of the apartment]

Leonard

If you want me to object at your wedding, just give me one of these. [taps the side of his nose]

Leonard

My mother's texting you?

Penny

Yeah, we've been talking a lot lately.

Leonard

Why? Is she sick of talking to the Magic Mirror on the wall?

Penny

No, I think she's lonely. She's been reaching out.

Leonard

Just be careful. You think you're getting close to her, the next thing you know, you're featured in a book called He's Doing It On Purpose: Raising a Teenage Bedwetter.

Leonard

Ugh. Sheldon's texting me to drive him to Bernadette's.

Penny

Well, what are you gonna say?

Leonard

They did just introduce the middle-finger emoji. If it's not for this, I don't know what it's for.

Penny

No no no, he'll just think that means "Be there in a minute."

Amy

[to Howard] Don't make jokes. He meant a lot to Sheldon.

Leonard

Me, too. I grew up watching his show. He's one of the reasons I became a scientist.

Penny

Aw. I thought you did it just to get girls.

Leonard

Joke's on you. It worked.

Amy

Well, if it helps, you all behaved terribly and you deserve what you got.

Sheldon

Well that doesn't help, at all. Sometimes your social skills are very poor.

Howard

I can't believe we let Kripke use us like that.

Penny

You know, maybe you're all more like the guy who didn't invent the electric car, and less like the guy who didn't invent the light bulb.

Leonard

She's right, maybe we're all a bunch of Teslas after all. [Howard and Sheldon smile]

Amy

Didn't Tesla die penniless, forgotten and insane?

Howard

You may have a point about her social skills.

Sheldon

He wasn't insane.

Leonard

He did fall in love with a pigeon.

Sheldon

Well, if we're gonna call Tesla crazy for loving something small and unappealing, we might as well put Penny in a padded cell right now.

Penny

Hey. What are you guys doing?

Uh, we have a bunch of Bitcoin on an old laptop, and it could be worth, like, a lot of money.

Penny

What-- You're kidding.

Leonard

No. We-we could be sitting on a fortune.

Penny

Okay, let the record show, I did not marry you for money, but you just got way more attractive.

Leonard

You can't still be mad about that.

Sheldon

Please. I have grudges going back to kindergarden. One day, I plan to find an adult Emily Dwyer and make her eat a crayon while I watch.

Amy

Is that why there's an Emily Dwyer on our invitation list?

Sheldon

Of course. That night, I will have the first dance, and the last laugh.

Sheldon

What do you think will make the wedding worse for Amy: a cake made with salt instead of sugar or a cake iced with congealed gravy?

Leonard

That is a trick question. The answer is: you as the groom.

Sheldon

Neither of them will be the actual cake. I'm just using it as a bargaining chip to get Amy to agree to the whole wedding party getting rings and us getting one ring to rule them all.

Sheldon

Oh, Stuart, two questions: Do you have the new Aquaman, and do you mind if I use your back room to smoke some meat?

Stuart

Well, since it's you asking, I'm gonna guess that's not a euphemism.

Leonard

Why are you smoking meat? And why are you reading Aquaman?

Sheldon

I am trying to make Amy a historically accurate Little House on the Prairie dinner for her birthday, and I want to be able to say I was reading it before it was cool.

Leonard

Wow, well, that's actually really sweet. The dinner thing. The Aquaman thing's dumb.

Howard

[referring to Sheldon and Amy] Are they acting strange?

Leonard

I don't think they're acting.