Muscleman quotes from The Awesomes

Prock

Do you not like Hotwire?

Muscleman

I like her, but... well, I like her butt. It's the rest of her I don't... trust.

Prock

The Gopher King!

Muscleman

Wait! Are you sure he's not Badger Man or the Evil Weasel?

Concierge

Badger Man's dead and the Evil Weasel only burrows for good, remember?

Gadget Gal

I know I shouldn't say this, but they all look the same to me.

Dr. Malocchio

Bravo, Muscleman. You have done excellent work. (Muscleman laughs) Hey, what's so funny?

Muscleman

It's just that I'm about to say something for the first time that people have been saying to me my whole life.

Dr. Malocchio

What's that?

Muscleman

You're an idiot.

Prock

I can't believe we're going to Hotwire's memorial. I don't know what to expect.

Muscleman

I expect really delicious cookies.

Prock

Why would you think that?

Muscleman

What else would you do at a mmm-Oreo?

Prock

Okay, it's not an "mmm-Oreo," it's a memorial. We're going to honor the memory of our lost friend.

Muscleman

Got it. I will bring my own cookies.

Prock

Or go an hour without cookies.

Muscleman

David Apelstein. He's a chiropractor from Apesylvania, the island nation filled with highly intelligent apes.

Perfect Man

I might know him. Where'd he go to school?

Muscleman

Ape Elementary, Ape High School, and then Monkey College.

Perfect Man

Montclair College?

Muscleman

No, Monkey College.

Perfect Man

Oh, then I don't know him.

Muscleman

(talking about Catalina Island) Why tie yourself down?

Prock

Because I have a girlfriend.

Frantic

Yes, but what happens in C.I. stays in C.I. Oh, wait. No, that was before they got sued by Las Vegas. No, I'm sorry, Prock. If you want to cheat on your girlfriend, what happens in C.I. is fair game to mention in all other locations.

Prock

No one calls it C.I.

Frantic

I do.

Muscleman

They should have had you plan the wedding.

Concierge

Always the guest, never the planner.

Muscleman

Dude, if you tell Jaclyn, she will totally never, ever forgive you.

Prock

I thought you said it wasn't my fault.

Muscleman

I know that. You know that. But women don't think like us. They are vicious, evil creatures. You see this scar?

Prock

Oh, wow. A woman did that to you?

Muscleman

No. When I was a little kid, I fell on a rake. That a woman put there.

This morning the President signed a new bill into law. The Superhero Underage Education Act. It mandates that any superhero who is of school age must be enrolled in school and maintain a B average.

Muscleman

Man, I'm glad they didn't have that law when I was a, um, smaller me.

Concierge

You mean, a kid?

Muscleman

Kid! That's it. It was right on the tip of my... licking muscle.

Concierge

Wow.

Tim

So let me get this straight, all six of you are coming with me?

Muscleman

Uh, actually seven. Nope. Nope. Six. I did Gadget Gal twice.

Gadget Gal

Many have.

Concierge

I cannot believe you forgot where you parked the jet.

Muscleman

Hey, at least I remember important things. Like my wedding anniversary.

Prock

You're not married.

Muscleman

Oh, right. Forgot.

Impresario

Oh, I'll pass.

Frantic

Suit yourself. More stuffed crust pizza for the rest of us. Ha ha.

Concierge

This is a fancy restaurant. They're not gonna have stuffed crust pizza.

Frantic

Um, it's an "I-talian" restaurant. I think it'd be pretty embarrassing if they didn't.

Muscleman

I'm gonna order gabagool so I can finally find out what it is.

Muscleman

It's nice to see somebody standing up for my people's fight against the Maccabees.

Concierge

You're a Seleucid?

Muscleman

No. Jewish. My grandfather changed his name to Muscleman from Muscle Manheimer.

Gadget Gal

Your grandfather had a strong tongue.

Muscleman

Gross.

Gadget Gal

Some other muscles, too.

Concierge

A penis is not a muscle.

Gadget Gal

It's not? Okay, then, just tongue.

Tim

I'm 11. I'm not a little kid.

Impresario

Yeah, but you're Asian. That makes you look younger.

Tim

Okay, that's racist.

Impresario

Hey, everyone knows the saying: black don't crack, white is tight, and Asians look younger.

Muscleman

I've never heard that last one before.

Gadget Gal

Or the second one.

Impresario

Well, it's usually "White is terrible," but I didn't want to offend you guys.