Concierge quotes from The Awesomes

Prock

How many are interested?

Concierge

None.

Prock

Did you say nine?

Concierge

None.

Prock

When you say none...?

Concierge

A hundred and twenty-six gave a flat no, forty-five laughed at me, and three told me to tell you to go *bleep* yourself. Which I told them I was not going to do.

Prock

Thanks for that.

Concierge

Maybe you're right. This is the new Awesomes, after all. Our bar is lower.

Muscleman

Ohhh, that's a good slogan.

Prock

That's not a good slogan.

Impresario

So, how does this work? Do I get a secret identity? Perhaps wealthy philanthropist? In which case you should probably procure me a mansion and fancy butler.

Concierge

You live in a room at Awesome Headquarters and get paid every other Thursday.

Impresario

The hell?

Tim is 11 years old, but he is very strong.

And very hard working. Tim is not lazy or weak like American heroes.

Prock

We're all American heroes.

And look at you. Stupid, fat, crazy, and weak. How did I do?

Concierge

Not bad.

Muscleman

What's this big fellow called?

Concierge

Compost.

Frantic

What is he?

Concierge

It's a sentient mass of mutated waste.

Impresario

So it literally has *bleep* for brains.

Gadget Gal

How's it going there, Tom Boy?

I'm just peachy, Gadget Gal. You?

Gadget Gal

Can't complain.

Umm, out for a stroll?

Gadget Gal

Headed for the little girl's room.

Well, you may get a few breaks, but one of them won't be a pee break.

Gadget Gal

Classy.

I try.

Gadget Gal

Try harder.

I will.

Gadget Gal

Big talk.

It ain't talk.

Gadget Gal

Funny, cause that's all you're doing.

I'm not... wait, sorry, I lost the thread there. Wait, "All I'm doing is..."

Gadget Gal

"Talking."

Got it, thank you. Talk is cheap.

Gadget Gal

And you're a cheap date, sister.

Heh, if that ain't the kettle on Mamie Eisenhower.

Gadget Gal

You're a nickel a dance, Mary.

More like a dime.

Concierge

Good lord, they fight so boring.

Tim

How about you, Hotwire? How did you get started?

Hotwire

Oh, you know, it's not that interesting.

Muscleman

It's okay. Concierge was boring and we didn't mind.

Concierge

I thought you weren't listening.

Muscleman

Listening to what?

Gadget Gal

Boy, you Orientals are strict.

Hey!

Gadget Gal

What? It's not like I called them cat-eaters.

Hey!

Gadget Gal

Oh, they eat cats and I'm the monster.

Concierge

For what it's worth, she's not actually racist for her age.

Impresario

I'm pretty sure she is.

Concierge

Shhh.

Frantic

It's like they're cool-looking versions of us.

Concierge

Not cool: evil! They're evil versions of us. And I'll add, evil version of me looks kind of whorish.

Impresario

That's a pretty great coat, though.

Concierge

Figures evil me would have style. I bet she has boyfriends instead of cats, too.

Muscleman

So which Earth is this? Earth 2?

Concierge

No, it's opposites. Which means this is Earth 4. Earth 2 is where everybody is really fat.

Frantic

What's Earth 3?

Concierge

Earth 3 is run by apes.

Gadget Gal

I thought Earth 3 was Nazis.

Concierge

It was, then the apes went to war with the Nazis and took over.

Impresario

Way to go, apes!

Muscleman

I would have really liked to see the Nazi-ape war.

Muscleman

Ah, that was fun.

Prock

Fun?

Muscleman

Well, technically, it was awful. But I'm going to say it was fun because we're on opposite Earth. I think it's important to try and fit in.

Impresario

Ooh, I like that. I mean, I hate that.

Concierge

You guys are geniuses. i.e,. idiots.

Prock

Everyone, stop talking.

Tim

Don't you mean, "nobody start being quiet"?

Prock

Arrgh.

Frantic

The correct expression is, "Yay!"

But ask yourselves, which one amongst you hasn't given us a secret we can tell? Which one among you is safe to reveal their true selves?

Concierge

My accent hides it, but I'm a stone-cold bitch.

Impresario

I don't love my mamma. Enough.

Frantic

I'm severely mentally ill.

Perfect Man

I worry that I might be too perfect.

I collect glass elephants. And murder hobos.

I only became a general because I watched General Hospital.

Concierge

If you can describe the alien, I can cross-check the database and find their home planet.

Prock

Hmm, how best to describe it?

Gadget Gal

I would say it had a... healthy face, with a buxom overtone.

Frantic

To use the parlance of cows, I would say there was an udder quality.

Tim

It looked like the magazines under my dad's bed.

Impresario

Ah, just say it. It had tits for eyes.

Concierge

Gleeborian.

Tim

That's a funny name.

Concierge

It's a Syrenthian word.

Tim

What does it mean?

Concierge

"Tits for eyes."

Muscleman

Oh, come on. We've been successful.

Concierge

Have we? Collateral damage, lawsuits, and destruction of beloved historical landmarks does not fit my definition of "success."

Muscleman

Well, lady, I guess you and I have different dictionaries. (pulls out "Baby's 1st Dictionary")

Concierge

You're an imbecile.

Muscleman

Well, you're a... (looks it up) duck.

Prock

The Gopher King!

Muscleman

Wait! Are you sure he's not Badger Man or the Evil Weasel?

Concierge

Badger Man's dead and the Evil Weasel only burrows for good, remember?

Gadget Gal

I know I shouldn't say this, but they all look the same to me.