Perfect Man quotes from The Awesomes

Perfect Man

I have no idea what the Awesomes are up to, or what you, Dr. Malocchio, are trying to pull. But I don't need ideas. I never have.

Perfect Man

I am absolutely, 100% going to find them. I will leave no stone unturned. See this stone? I already turned it, and they are not there. But that will not keep me from looking under all other stones. All. Other. Stones.

Perfect Man

I looked everywhere on Earth. And not like the cliche. I've got x-ray and telescopic vision. I mean I looked everywhere on Earth. I saw a lot of naked people I'd rather not have seen. And reruns of Friends. No matter where you look, there's always a rerun of Friends.

Perfect Man

Well, Ms. Stone, hmm, nice try. But everyone knows I would never trust an Italian. They have crime in their blood, crime and tomato sauce.

Perfect Man

Spalding, you're my only friend.

Perfect Man

And them Impresario told me Baywatch called and they want my Speedo back.

Perfect Man

A lot of people said I shouldn't help rebuild Paris. I was told that you were arrogant, uppity, unappreciative. But you reminded me of someone I love: me.

Perfect Man

I'm going to miss this place. Or not. I'm not really in touch with my feelings.

Perfect Man

Oh no, my dream bag is out of smells.

Perfect Man

Mr. Awesome, you are in many ways the father I never had.

And you, Perfect Man, are like the son I never had.

Prock

I'm his son.

Muscleman

Right. But he's never had a son like Perfect Man.

Prock

That's not how the phrase is used.

But ask yourselves, which one amongst you hasn't given us a secret we can tell? Which one among you is safe to reveal their true selves?

Concierge

My accent hides it, but I'm a stone-cold bitch.

Impresario

I don't love my mamma. Enough.

Frantic

I'm severely mentally ill.

Perfect Man

I worry that I might be too perfect.

I collect glass elephants. And murder hobos.

I only became a general because I watched General Hospital.

Prock

You brought a date to your girlfriend's funeral?

Perfect Man

It's what Hotwire could've wanted.

Perfect Man

Did somebody say "perfect"?

Prock

Were you just hiding behind a curtain for an hour waiting for someone to say "perfect"?

Perfect Man

I've come to offer my reinstatement as a member of the Awesomes. I think we could really benefit from having someone on the team like me.

Prock

He was waiting behind here for an hour.

Prock

I've prepared these cardboard cutouts... (Perfect Man disintegrates them) Why?

Perfect Man

If there's no jury, they can't find me guilty.

Prock

They can bring in another jury.

Perfect Man

Another jury? It's like the legal system has thought of everything.

Prock

Also, those aren't cutouts you can just buy in a store. It took me like a day to make those. Know what? Never mind.

Muscleman

David Apelstein. He's a chiropractor from Apesylvania, the island nation filled with highly intelligent apes.

Perfect Man

I might know him. Where'd he go to school?

Muscleman

Ape Elementary, Ape High School, and then Monkey College.

Perfect Man

Montclair College?

Muscleman

No, Monkey College.

Perfect Man

Oh, then I don't know him.