The Awesomes quotes

Dr. Malocchio

But now there is nowhere to run and nowhere to hide.

Run! Hide!

Dr. Malocchio

What did I just say about running and hiding? What does a guy have to do to be listened to?

Prock

That's enough!

Dr. Malocchio

Okay, that's right. That's enough. Should I just give you the gun?

Prock

Are you serious?

Dr. Malocchio

Of course I'm not!

Can you believe Mr. Awesome is 90? My grandmother is 87 and she's a mess.

Mine is 82 and I've completely written her off.

Muscleman

Perfectman, over you? Why? Because he's stronger, because he's faster, handsomer? Because he can fly, because of his hair? His hair is awesome.

Prock

You're not helping.

But you are very bright. Why not use those smarts? Be a doctor, a lawyer, start a photo blog?

Perfect Man

Mr. Awesome, you are in many ways the father I never had.

And you, Perfect Man, are like the son I never had.

Prock

I'm his son.

Muscleman

Right. But he's never had a son like Perfect Man.

Prock

That's not how the phrase is used.

Dr. Malocchio

Wonderful. I'm going to need a Tom Ford suit, some tuna carpaccio, three hookers, and one of those smartphones. A really, really smart phone. Wonderful, let's hop to it. Evil to be done!

Prock

And what's going on?

By the order of the President of the United States, we are Implementing Code 33.

Muscleman

Thirty-three is my ATM PIN code.

Prock

PIN codes are four digits.

Muscleman

That probably explains why money never comes out.

Prock

They would never walk over Dad like this. He would stick out his jaw and tell them absolutely not. I'm in charge now, that's what I have to do. Of course, I don't really have my father's jaw. His is almost a perfect square, and mine is weak and soft. Man, of all the things I didn't get from my dad, the thing I want most is that big ole jaw. So sticking out the jaw is a no-go.

Prock

How many are interested?

Concierge

None.

Prock

Did you say nine?

Concierge

None.

Prock

When you say none...?

Concierge

A hundred and twenty-six gave a flat no, forty-five laughed at me, and three told me to tell you to go *bleep* yourself. Which I told them I was not going to do.

Prock

Thanks for that.

Concierge

Maybe you're right. This is the new Awesomes, after all. Our bar is lower.

Muscleman

Ohhh, that's a good slogan.

Prock

That's not a good slogan.

Impresario

So, how does this work? Do I get a secret identity? Perhaps wealthy philanthropist? In which case you should probably procure me a mansion and fancy butler.

Concierge

You live in a room at Awesome Headquarters and get paid every other Thursday.

Impresario

The hell?

Tim is 11 years old, but he is very strong.

And very hard working. Tim is not lazy or weak like American heroes.

Prock

We're all American heroes.

And look at you. Stupid, fat, crazy, and weak. How did I do?

Concierge

Not bad.

Muscleman

You got some size in you there, short-pants. But as many ladies have told me, size doesn't matter.

Muscleman

Elderly chick fight! Coincidentally, that is the title of my favorite DVD.