Wolf Spitzer quotes from T.U.F.F. Puppy

Wolf Spitzer

This is a KPET Special Report. Iron Mutt-mania is sweeping Petropolis. Kids, are eating Iron Mutt cereal. [Kids cheer] Iron Mutt action figures, and Iron Mutt costumes in children's sizes! [Keswick cheers] And flea sizes! [Chief cheers too]

Wolf Spitzer

[stepping out of the news van after Dudley defeated Snaptrap and his agents with the iron suit he's in] Wolf Spitzer for Petropolis News with live coverage of the super dog who foiled Snaptrap from whatever it was he was doing. Let's hear it for Iron Mutt!

Dudley

I'm not Iron Mutt. I'm just an ordinary average…

[hugging him] We love you, Iron Mutt!

Dudley

Super, awesome hero named Iron Mutt!

[chanting] Iron Mutt! Iron Mutt!

Wolf Spitzer

[shivering with his tail all frozen] This is Wolf Spitzer freezing my tail off at the Petropolis Dog Show. Tonight, the city's most perfect pooch will win the grand prize, their very own mailman. [pooch chases the turkey mailman]

What kind of self-absorbed doofus would enter a dog show?

Dudley

[in the elevator as the doors open, spraying his flowing blonde hair with hairspray] Guess who's entering the dog show?

Kitty

You gotta be kidding me.

Dudley

I know, I'm gorgeous, right? Just got back from the groomer. Now all I have to do is keep this perfect look 'till tonight, and I'll be chasing my very own mailman! Am I hot, or what?

Chief

I'm hot, too.

Well, I wouldn't go that far, but you are looking better ever since you joined that tiny gym.

Chief

No, I mean, it's getting warm in here!

Wolf Spitzer

Wolf Spitzer here with beloved children's TV host, and convicted felon, Quacky the Duck. We're at the grand opening of Quacky's new restaurant: Quack in the Box.

Quacky

Hey, kids! You're gonna love what's on the menu. It's better than prison food and I should know.

I'm only gonna say this once, "Eat here or else!"

Quacky

Okay, Sharing Moose. Save that charm for the drive-thru window.

Chief

Quacky's got a restaurant? Let's hurry and beat the crowd!

Looks like the Sharing Moose is already… [stutters] doing that.

I said get in line, grandma!

Kitty

[speechless] I can't believe you guys are buying this. Do I need to remind you that Quacky tied me and Dudley to a rocket and fired us into space?

Kitty, you have to learn to forgive and forget.

Kitty

Really? I bet Dudley hasn't forgiven or forgotten.

Wolf Spitzer

Quacky, isn't it a little coincidental that the T.U.F.F. agent who put you behind bars is the winner of your contest?

Quacky

Yeah, coincidental. That's what it is. Definitely not part of a sinister revenge plan that carved on a prison wall with a sharpened toothbrush.

Dudley

I WON! I WON! I STILL CAN'T BREATHE!

Quacky

Besides, Agent Puppy is my biggest fan and he'd do anything to make Quack in the Box a success.

You hear that, Wolf-man? [gets into Wolf Spitzer's face] Agent Puppy would do anything.

Dudley

I'd stop at nothing!

Wolf Spitzer

Wolf Spitzer here. Agent Puppy, did you destroy Argh-by's because you're a crazed Quacky the Duck fan and want to eliminate the competition?

Dudley

What? No! That's ridic--

Wolf Spitzer

There you have it. Proof positive that it's raining cats.

Wolf Spitzer

Wolf Spitzer here for Access Hollywolf. I'm with former kid show host and convicted felon, Quacky the Duck, and his scary partner, the Sharing Moose. They are out of prison and making their first feature film.

Quacky

Which is definitely a real movie, and not a villainy cover up for heinous crimes.

That's right. I spent a year in solitary writing the screenplay.

Quacky

Seriously? You actually wrote a real screenplay?

It's a touch in celebration of life. And if the actors mess it up, they will never forget the taste of my FIST!

Wolf Spitzer

And who are these lucky actors of what you speak?

Quacky

Well, Wolf, we cast three local suckers, I mean, local citizens in the starring roles.

Kitty

[turns off the screen] What kind of idiots would wanna star in a Quacky the Duck movie?

Dudley

KITTY, WE'RE STARRING IN A QUACKY THE DUCK MOVIE!

Chameleon

[putting money in a safe vault in the wall of a motel room] This is my best plan yet! Soon, I'll have more money than I currently have! Plus, the old-lady sheep seem to really enjoy the Latin charms of Ricardo Muttonban. [disguises himself as Ricardo] Right until I take all of their money, that is! With this disguise, it's so easy to pull the wool over their eyes. Oh-ho, wow! That was clever, and it rhymed. Clever wordplay is the hallmark of comedy!

Wolf Spitzer

This is Wolf Spitzer with rich-people news. New super-easy-to-take-advantage-of socialite Lady Saggy Moneybags Wrinklesmith III is throwing a cotillion.

Dudley

[speaking in a falsetto accent] Which is a dance, and not the number that comes after a billion, like you would think.

Wolf Spitzer

This is Wolf Spitzer saying, "No one thought that." Anyway, every rich, old sheep in town is invited to Lady Wrinklesmith's yacht tonight.

Chameleon

That Wrinklesmith's face could stop a clock. [shudders in disgust] But I wonder how much she's worth?

Wolf Spitzer

In case you're wondering how much Lady Saggy Moneybags Wrinklesmith III is worth, it's--

Dudley

A cotillion dollars!

Wolf Spitzer

We've been over this. That's not a number.

Wolf Spitzer

This is Wolf Spitzer with breaking news. There are reports that Bigfoot… Yes, Bigfoot, has robbed this strangely familiar home behind me. [realizes in shock] Wait, that's my house!

[tapping him in the shoulder] Daddy, Bigfoot… Yes, Bigfoot, stole my video games.

Wolf Spitzer

Well, sweetie, that's no big deal.

He also stole your golf clubs.

Wolf Spitzer

That monster! [vengefully] Bigfoot must be hunted down and DESTROYED!

Dudley

This is ridiculous! Bigfoot would never hurt anyone! He's kind, and generous, and he has a heart as big as his foot.

Kitty

How would you know that, Dudley?

Dudley

Because he came to comfort me when I was a kid after my mom sent me to bed without dessert. I didn't do anything wrong when we were just out of dessert.

Dudley

I'm telling you, Kitty, there's no proof Bigfoot robbed this house. [rings the doorbell]

Wolf Spitzer

[answers the door] This is Wolf Spitzer with proof that Bigfoot… Yes, Bigfoot, definitely robbed my house. [holds up a photo of Bigfoot breaking into his house and stealing his golf clubs]

Dudley

[snatches the photo out Wolf's hands] You're a big lying liar! This could be any 8-foot tall hair creature with giant feet. [rips up the photo into pieces]

Wolf Spitzer

This is Wolf Spitzer saying that I have a copy of this photo. [takes out a copy of the original photo]

Dudley

[whispering to him, mistaking him for Kitty] Why is he talking into a mic?

Wolf Spitzer

This is Wolf Spitzer saying you whispered that to me.

Kitty

Maybe we can talk to someone else, Mr. Spitzer.

This is Wolf Spitzer's Daughter, so, you can talk to me.

Dudley

[consoling Bigfoot] I'll figure out some way to get you out of here, buddy. I just need to think. Thinking is hard. Maybe I'll just make some hot chocolate. That's hard too. Or maybe I'll just sit here. [jumps and sits down on the floor] Ah, the floor is hard.

Wolf Spitzer

[on screen monitor] This is Wolf Spitzer saying Bigfoot has struck again! And this time, he's teamed up with the beloved former show pony, Shenanigans. Yes, Shenanigans.

Dudley

Hey, look, Bigfoot. You're on TV. Wait. You're on TV. That means… [groans] more thinking. No, wait, I've got it. You're innocent! That means you're innocent!