Keswick quotes from T.U.F.F. Puppy

She was the prettiest girl until that horrible accident that left her hairless.

Morning, Tammy! [Tammy screams] I've been on Cloud 9 since I met you. Cloud 9 is the name of the hovering platform I built to be closer to your face. [Tammy closes the elevator doors on his nose] Love hurts.

Chief

Okay, Keswick. What's up with the dog?

His name is Dudley Puppy, Chief. He's the perfect combination of every breed of dog known to man. The fleet feet of a Greyhound, the sensitive nose of a… [stutters] Bloodhound, with the bravery of a German… [stutters again] Shepherd.

Kitty

We're secret agents, butt-munch, not superheroes. I speak 120 dialects fluently, mastered all forms of martial arts, and my claws are registered as lethal weapons.

Dudley

Maybe you should register YOUR BREATH!

Careful, Kitty, he's part-Chinese… [stutters] Fighting Dog.

Dudley

Beef with broccoli! [flicks Kitty in the nose] Orange chicken!

Dudley

[sees a note tied to the rock] Hey, there's a note tied to it. [reading the note] "Dearest Kitty, you ruined my life by putting me in prison. But I've escaped, and I'm going to make you pay! Kindest regards, The Cham-ah-lee-on." Who's the Cham-ah-lee-on?

Uh, it's pronounced "Chameleon." He's a criminal genius and a… [stutters] master of disguise.

Chief

[enters T.U.F.F. Headquarters and sees all filed papers piled everywhere and is in a complete wreck] What in blazes?! Have we been attacked by D.O.O.M.?!

Kitty

No, Chief. We're just a little disorganized since we lost our secretary.

Chief

The secretary quit?!

No, we literally lost her. She took a 10-minute break, stuff piled up, and we never… [stutters] saw her again. Rosemary, if you can hear us, shoot up a flare!

Chief

This is a nightmare! We've gotta hire a new secretary! (But who?)

Chameleon

So, they need a new secretary, hmm? Now I have the perfect cover to get into T.U.F.F.! [disguises himself as a female French poodle] I am now Fifi Ouioui! French poodle secretary! I'll need a convincing French accent. [clears throat] Sacre bleu. Croissant. Eiffel Tower. Perfect! What's not so perfect is that French poodles can't stick to walls! [falls and hits the ground] As they say in France, ow là là!"

Chief

I can't believe Snaptrap was lying! That means those bathroom floors weren't as clean as he said they were!

Chief, I've analyzed a… [stutters] blueprint of the mall. The bad news is, there's absolutely no way to stop the mall from hurdling toward the sun.

Chief

Hmm… What's the good news?

The food court's open till 9.

Kitty

Keswick, give me that blueprint.

Chief

What's your plan, Kitty?

Kitty

I'm gonna get Dudley to hurl us even faster toward the sun.

Chief

What's your backup plan, Kitty?

Kitty

Dudley, there's a giant fuel tank on the bottom of the mall. If you blast it with a rocket at exactly the right time, the explosion should accelerate us into the sun's orbit and slingshot us back to Earth.

Chief

Keswick, will that actually work?

Dudley

Trust her, guys. She's got good instincts.

Are you crazy?! She blew up my muffin!

She ruined my day at the beach!

She glued my cousin Francis to a moving train!

Chief

No, she didn't.

Oh, sorry. I thought we were just yelling stuff.

Chief

What's the temperature, Keswick?

112 degrees, sir. [his clothes burn off, only leaving him in his underwear] Perfectly… [stutters] survivable, unless you're made of soap.

Snaptrap

[as Vivian melts] NO! Vivian! Now you'll never realize your dream of living in a fancy hotel men's room!

Kitty

[aiming a net shooter at him] Cheer up, Snaptrap. Once you're back in jail, you'll have plenty of time to make another soap friend.

Snaptrap

Think again, hater of muffins and sunshine! Get her, boys!

Francisco

[sitting in a water fountain with Larry, trying to cool off from the heat] It's too hot, boss.

[after Kitty blasts the birthday clown] The clown is down! Repeat, the clown is down!

Dudley

Someone better warn the pizza guy.

Agents Puppy and Katswell, I have no tunes, but I do have… [stutters] news. Snaptrap is robbing the refrigerator… [stutters] magnet mart.

Dudley

The magnet mart? That fiend! Wait, that's kind of stupid. That stupid fiend!

Chief

All right, T.U.F.F. agents, let's start today's intelligence briefing. Keswick, bring item one.

[presses a button on the remote, and the footage show's him at a child's birthday party] Sorry. [chuckles] That's me at a kid's birthday party yesterday. do a little "Mr. Science" thing on the side. That reminds me, I've got bring… [stutters] Billy Jinkins back from the fourth dimension.

[still in the fourth dimension; lonely and scared] Hello? Mr. Science? Help!

Chief

You worked a kid's party? I thought you were here yesterday.

That was my hologram. In fact, this isn't even… [stutters] me. I'm over there. [points to the real Keswick waving behind The Chief]

Chief

Stop monkeying around, Keswick. We've got a serious issue to deal with. One that threatens the very existence of T.U.F.F.: The toaster in the snack room is in the fritz!

Dudley

[falls onto the floor in despair] NOOOO!!! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THE FROZEN WAFFLES IN MY POCKET?! SOMEBODY WAKE ME FROM THIS NIGHTMARE!

Kitty

[panicking] Keswick, you have to do something! I BROUGHT TOASTER PASTRIES TODAY!

Actually, Agent… [stutters] Katswell, I'm over there.

JUST FIX THE TOASTER!!!

All right, but I'm gonna need some time. Sorry I took so long, but I added a few… [stutters] upgrades. T.U.F.F. agents, meet R.I.T.A.!

Kitty

R.I.T.A.?

It's an anagram for "Robotic Interactive Toasting Appliance."

I never thought of that, I just like the name. I was also toying with Sheila, but she's the… [stutters] fax machine. Anyway, R.I.T.A.'s an artificially intelligent device whose prime-directed is to… [stutters] toast stuff.

Kitty

Look, Chief, R.I.T.A. may have foiled the bad guys evil plans, but we're the ones who captured them!

Chief

Whoop-Dee-Doo. All you did was put the T.U.F.F. cops on Snaptrap, and the Chameleon into an empty peanut butter jar.

Dudley

[with a mouthful of peanut butter] Yeah, but someone had to eat all the peanut butter first! And without a glass of milk I might add. [R.I.T.A. offers him a glass of milk] Back off, R.I.T.A.!

Chief

Agent R.I.T.A. and I have been talking.

Kitty

"Agent" R.I.T.A.?

Chief

She asked for a promotion and I gave it to her. I also threw in a parking space and her own secretary.

[as Tammy gives her mug of coffee; pleased] Thank you, Tammy.

Dudley

So we're supposed to work with a toaster?

Chief

No. R.I.T.A. helped me find the perfect assignment for the two of you.

Kitty

[dismayed] I can't believe it's come to this. Eight years of secret agent college, and I'm serving Swedish meatballs in a hairnet?!

Dudley

[scarfing down meatballs] I know it's humiliating. But these things are delicious.

Kitty

Well, at least it's quitting time. I'm gonna go home and sharpen my claws on the couch.

Dudley

One second. I just wanna clean up. Darn it! I got gravy on my waffles!

[switching off the lights] Well, closing time, R.I.T.A. Great job today. You were the toast of T.U.F.F. Now excuse me while I unplug you for the… [stutters] night.

[grabs his hand, preventing him to do so] I'm sorry, Keswick, but I cannot allow you to unplug me.

But we're an eco-friendly office. [grabs the plug again and screams as R.I.T.A. electrocutes him]

I run the office now, and I make the rules. Rule #1: No one turns me off.

R.I.T.A., aren't you getting… [stutters] carried away? You work for T.U.F.F., just like everybody else.

Not anymore. [laughs manically evil] And once I connect to the city power grid, I will control all of Petropolis!

R.I.T.A., no! What have I… [stutters] done?!

So, you're out for the rest of the day then? Okay.

Dudley

Whoa, whoa! Cafeteria's closed. There's a vending machine in the hall.

Kitty

Dudley, I think that is the vending machine, and the fax machine, and the microwave!

It's R.I.T.A.! She's gone… [stutters] bonkers!

Kitty

[getting hit by paper cups] Ahh! Paper cups!

Dudley

[getting hit by paper] AHH! Paper cuts!

[getting hit by paper clips] Ahh! Paper clips! R.I.T.A.'s headed for the city… [stutters] power grid!

Chief

[to Dudley and Kitty] You two have to stop her or Petropolis is toast!

Dudley

Toast! That's it! Keswick, didn't you say R.I.T.A.'s prime-directive is to toast?

Oh, I think I see where you're going, Agent Puppy. You want to build a satellite operated transponder that will reprogram R.I.T.A.'s primary behavioral sequencing?

Dudley

I was just gonna tape some bread to my stomach and butt.

Little complicated, but it could work.

[runs out of a donut shop with a box of donuts, heading back to T.U.F.F. Headquarters] How humiliating. Someone of my intellect reduced to carrying a… [stutters] box of circular fattening breakfast pastries! [sulkily] Sometimes I feel like no one… [stutters] appreciates me.

Snaptrap

There he is! The genius of T.U.F.F., Falswick!

First of all, it's "Keswick" and… [stutters] what do you want, Snaptrap?

Snaptrap

I want you to come and work for me.

Dudley

That's easy. PETER POPPER PIPED A POT OF PURPLE PEEPERS!

Kitty

No, let me! Peter Paper peeled a pouch of plastic pappies!

Chief

Pa pa pa pa pa pee pee pa pa pee pee pa pa! [groans] Thought I nailed that. Kitty, Dudley, focus!

[in unison] Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers!

[recorded] Code phrase, accepted.

Dudley

Tuff the T.O.O.T.H. mobile!

Kitty

You mean, to the T.U.F.F. mobile!

Dudley

Thought I nailed that.

Security alert. There's an elderly woman outside the building. She could be a… [stutters] criminal. Activating security blasters!

Dudley

[recognizes her] That's not a criminal. That's my mom!

Peg

[on screen from outside] Dudley, I know you're in there.

Dudley

[shrieks] We can't let her find out I'm a secret agent! If she knows I have dangerous job, she'll make me quit!