Behold, my new high tech mind reading device. It allows whoever… [stutters] wears it to hear the thoughts of anyone close by.
[Kitty takes the device and puts it on her head, listening to the Chief's thoughts]
Chief[thinking] Okay, she's reading my mind. Don't think about how gross her cookies are. Don't think about how gross her cookies are.
[gasps in angered shock] I knew it! You hate my cookies!
Wow, Chief. Do you hate Christmas, too? Well, let's see what Mr. Critical thinks of me. [puts the device on his head]
Chief
[as Dudley picks his nose; thinking] Oh, man. Agent Puppy is a total slob!
[hurtfully] You think I'm a slob?!
Chief
Uh, look, dog food that makes its own gravy!
[takes the device away] Grow up! Clearly you people lack the self esteem to… [stutters] wear this, though, that's not surprising. Recent psychological studies indicate that…
Chief
[thinking] Oh, man. Put a sock in it, Dr. Boring.
Well, that stings. Fortunately, I'm too… [stutters] mature to resort to name calling. Now if you'll excuse me, [starts tearing up in heartbreak] Dr. Boring is going to perform a heart transplant. 'CAUSE MINE'S BROKEN! [walks away, bawling, as Kitty and Dudley glare annoyingly at the Chief]
Chief
I have exciting news! Fleaple magazine just named me one of the ten most eligible hostages in Petropolis. It says here, I'm worth a billion dollars in ransom. Who wants to celebrate?
I'd comment, but Dr. Boring doesn't make house calls. [breaks down into tears] Cry, weep, sob!
You wouldn't want to celebrate with somebody who make gross cookies.
Or a slob like me! That cut like a knife.
Chief
[over his mind] Okay, I get it. You're still upset about the whole "mind reading" thing.
Sorry, Dr. Boring's not in right now, but please leave a message at the sound of the tone. [blows raspberry]
[shivering with his tail all frozen] This is Wolf Spitzer freezing my tail off at the Petropolis Dog Show. Tonight, the city's most perfect pooch will win the grand prize, their very own mailman. [pooch chases the turkey mailman]
What kind of self-absorbed doofus would enter a dog show?
[in the elevator as the doors open, spraying his flowing blonde hair with hairspray] Guess who's entering the dog show?
I know, I'm gorgeous, right? Just got back from the groomer. Now all I have to do is keep this perfect look 'till tonight, and I'll be chasing my very own mailman! Am I hot, or what?
Chief
I'm hot, too.
Well, I wouldn't go that far, but you are looking better ever since you joined that tiny gym.
Chief
No, I mean, it's getting warm in here!
[on-screen] It is I, Larry, leader of Genius Larry's Order of Mayhem, otherwise known as: "G.L.O.O.M."
No offense, but "Larry's" not a very scary name.
Oh, all right. Then from now on, call me…Murray!
[Kitty and Chief gasp in shock]
Chief
Okay, Murray, you've got our attention. Now, just tell us your diabolical plan, so we can arrest you go out for brunch.
MMurray (Larry)
Ah! But that's the twist. I'm not gonna tell you my diabolical plan. Murray, out!
[in a quarantine bubble with a red stuffy nose] That's some nose you've got, Agent Puppy. I can't smell a… [stutters] thing. I have such a… [stutters] bad cold, I've quarantined myself. [sneezes and gets mucus all over inside the bubble] That's the last time I lick a hand-rail at the hospital. [an alarm suddenly goes off] Uh-oh. I'm getting intel that the Stink Bug is on the loose!
A diabolical bug villain who stinks, duh! It's right in his name. Because of his rancid smell, we drove him out of … [stutters] town.
Chief
Actually, we just told him to take a shower, but he made a big stink about it and left, vowing revenge!
Well, he's back, and he's robbing the Limburger… [stutters] Cheese Factory. [sneezes]
Wolf Spitzer here with beloved children's TV host, and convicted felon, Quacky the Duck. We're at the grand opening of Quacky's new restaurant: Quack in the Box.
Hey, kids! You're gonna love what's on the menu. It's better than prison food and I should know.
I'm only gonna say this once, "Eat here or else!"
Okay, Sharing Moose. Save that charm for the drive-thru window.
Chief
Quacky's got a restaurant? Let's hurry and beat the crowd!
Looks like the Sharing Moose is already… [stutters] doing that.
I said get in line, grandma!
[speechless] I can't believe you guys are buying this. Do I need to remind you that Quacky tied me and Dudley to a rocket and fired us into space?
Kitty, you have to learn to forgive and forget.
Really? I bet Dudley hasn't forgiven or forgotten.
KITTY! DID YOU SEE ME ON TV?!
I can't believe you're still into Quacky. He's a deranged lunatic who tried to annihilate us. Ooh! The Math Moth! He taught me long division and how to eat a wool sweater.
Boy, Quacky's food really hits the spot. It's just the right blend of farming pesticides and irradiated artificial meat filler.
Chief
Whoa, Agent Puppy! Is that the Phonics Fox? You know, I've always had a crush on her. How do I look?
Uh, Chief, you know she's not real.
Chief
Just because she's a lifeless plastic toy doesn't mean she's not real.
That's exactly what it means. Looks like somebody needs to talk to the Sanity Seagull.
Greetings, T.U.F.F. It is I, Verminious Snaptrap! I've captured all the annoying mom's in Petropolis, and now I'm sending them to a deserted island! You're welcome.
Dessert Island? Awesome! Can I go?
Not until after dinner. You'll spoil your appetite.
Ah! Let me do my man things, mom!
Whoops. Sorry, Agent Puppy. Looks like I missed your mom. Don't worry, I'll get her. [Peg and Dudley look at each other] Snaptrap out!
Chief
Aah! No! That monster has my mommy! She's the light of my life! The reason none of my girlfriends are good enough!
Don't worry, Chief. We'll find where Snaptrap's keeping the mom's, after we go to Dessert Island. [looks back at Peg] Okay, fine, mom's first.
[Next morning at T.U.F.F. headquarters; Kitty, Keswick and the Chief are drinking coffee as Dudley appears, looking a little bigger]
Chief
Uh-oh! It's the diabolical Dr. Half-Dog!
No, Chief! [squats down, revealing his head] It's me! And I'm tall! Check it out! I can dunk and reach the ham. I can even dunk a ham!
Chief
[jumps onto the hoop and smacks the ham out of Dudley's hand] You may be tall, but I got mad hops.
I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we'll never run out of potato salad.
[Dudley, Kitty, and the Chief cheer]
Chief
There's no news bad enough to offset that!
And the bad news is I can't stop the effects of the grow-faster blaster, which means big trouble for Agent Puppy.
Oh, no! I'm gonna turn into a potato! My seventh greatest fear has been realized!
Chief
But we're still good with the potato salad, right?
[Dudley suddenly starts growing to an enormous size with his arms, legs, and head sticking out of the headquarters building]
[with his eyes closed tightly] I can't bear to look! Am I potato?!
[relieved after letting out a massive fart by blowing up and destroying the headquarters building] Ah, that's better! I mean, gross, Kitty!
Chief
Believe it or not, my horoscope said this would happen.
What do you know? "A giant dog fart will destroy everything you've worked for."
"You will soar to new heights."
[confused] I don't get it. [grows even more huge] Oh, now I get it! Hang on, I got an itch.
T.U.F.F. Puppy · 225 quotes
