Chief quotes from T.U.F.F. Puppy

Chief

[baffled] What is going on around here? Who changed the name of T.U.F.F. to "Keswick presents T.U.F.F.?"

Kitty

Do you really have to ask?

Chief

Yeah, after I heard myself say it, it was pretty clear.

You can't discuss official T.U.F.F. business in front of a civilian.

Chief

Who are you calling a civilian? I'm the Chief!

Not anymore. I deactivated your security… [stutters] clearance when I thought you retired.

Chief

That's ridiculous! I'm going to my office.

Chief

Agent Puppy, I'm only gonna ask you this once. Did you take Keswick's coffee cup? [Keswick whispers to him; shocked] He did what?! That's way worse! Agents Puppy and Katswell, go get that simulated Michael Crane, and bring him back to T.U.F.F.! Keswick, go put agreeable Kitty back in the simulation station.

One second, Chief. I'm trying to get a cherry gumball. [Agreeable Kitty explodes] The gumballs were all backed up.

Dudley

Guys, I don't know how to tell you this, but the aliens Keswick contacted are hostile.

Chief

Yeah, we kinda noticed.

Chief

Okay, I've had some time to get over the mop. And I've decided I can't get over the mop. So we're going after it! Keswick, break out the heavy artillery.

I would, Chief. But the key to activate the weapon system is in… [stutters] Kitty's purse. [cheekily] Just kidding, it's in my f-fanny pack. [takes the key out of his pack; chuckles]

Chief

[laughs] Yeah, good one, Keswick.

Chief

Ha! Good one, Keswick. I missed your cruel whimsy. Come on, let's share a piece of wedding cake. My stomach is rumbling.

That's not your stomach, Chief. It's the frosting pipeline. It's gonna [stutters] blow!

Chief

Agent Puppy, I can't believe you misread the syrup bottle. Actually, I can't believe it. You can't even read the exit sign.

Dudley

I read better than you think. I just pretended to be stupid to get Kitty to do my work for me. [realizes what he said in shock] Oh, no! What am I saying?!

Kitty

That's okay, Dudley. It's not that much work. I just complain a lot so it looks like I'm doing more. Also, I think I'm better than all of you. [shocked by what she said] Oh, no! What am I saying?!

Chief

Keswick, it looks like your Truth Syrup works. What other secrets are you two keeping from us?

Mmm. Chief, this three-bean salad you made is delicious!

Chief

Thanks. Although to tell you the truth, I didn't make it. I just took it out of the refrigerator. There's all kinds of stuff in here.

[stuttering] Wait a minute. This is my Spill-The-Beans Salad! It's just as powerful as my… [stutters] truth syrup, but with fewer calories!

Chief

Oh, no! Truth beans give me gas. To be honest, I always have gas, but I blame it on Agent Puppy. Oh!

I never have gas. I'm an alien. Oops!

Chief

Keswick, are you really an alien?

No. Yes. I'm hiding out on Earth because I'm wanted on my own planet for cooking stinky fish at work. Super strict planet.

Kitty

[sobbing along with Dudley] We're never gonna get Tammy back!

Chief

[sobbing] I give anything to hear Tammy's voice one more time!

Kitty

Oh, my gosh! We've been robbed!

Dudley

We should call T.U.F.F.!

Kitty

We are T.U.F.F.

Dudley

Then we should call ourselves. Except we can't, our phones were stolen.

Chief

Oh, there's no crime. The government just cut our funding and took all our stuff. They even took my monitor cart and replaced it with this little red wagon and magnifying glass. Oh, they don't appreciate us anymore. Wow, it's hot in here!

Who cares what the government thinks? We're dedicated crime fighters, and no one can stop us from doing our job. [stutters] By the way, are they still paying us?

Chief

Yes, but with buttons and grated cheese.

See ya.

Kitty

Keswick, don't go!

Dudley

Let him go, Kitty. I want his buttons and cheese.

I'm not going anywhere.

Chief

You realize the importance of loyalty?

No, they turned off the power to the elevators. And there's no way I'm… [stutters] walking down 111 flights of stairs.

Dudley

Well, at least the government didn't take our vending machine. I'm gonna get a candy bar. [tries sticking a button in the vending machine coin slot, but it doesn't go in] Great! This thing doesn't take buttons. What are all these weird foods in here?

Chief

To save money. They replaced all the good stuff with cheap generic snacks. Is anyone else hot?

Dudley

"Onion Wrongs"? "Stale Mix"? "Grief Jerky"? [pounds vending machine] It's sad, cause there's nothing in the bag. [kicks vending machine] "Powdered Do-nots?" [eats but gags] Oh, "Do not" eat them. Okay, why couldn't this bag have been empty?

That's not real powdered sugar. Everything in that… [stutters] vending machine is made from Chemical 19. It's perfectly safe, as long as you're immune to radiation and your body has the ability to… [stutters] digest glass.

Chief

Let me guess, Tammy trouble?

Yeah. It just seems my wooing isn't working.

Dudley

Well, maybe Kitty can (help) give you some girl advice. She's kind of a girl.

Kitty

[flicks Dudley in the ear; annoyed] Thanks, Dudley. And you're kind of a secret agent. So, how exactly have you been wooing her, Keswick?

Well, let's see, I snuck into her house, then wrote "I love you" on her bathroom mirror in ketchup.

Chief

Agent Puppy, what's all the commotion? You just interrupted a quiet day at the spa agency.

Kitty

Chief, it's a spy agency.

Chief

Then who just gave me a deep tissue massage?