Kitty Katswell quotes from T.U.F.F. Puppy

Kitty

I changed my mind! This is not a great plan! Why do I have to be the butt?

Dudley

Mom's have big butts, Kitty. If you're not back there, Snaptrap will get suspicious.

Dudley

[relieved after letting out a massive fart by blowing up and destroying the headquarters building] Ah, that's better! I mean, gross, Kitty!

Chief

Believe it or not, my horoscope said this would happen.

What do you know? "A giant dog fart will destroy everything you've worked for."

Kitty

"You will soar to new heights."

Dudley

[confused] I don't get it. [grows even more huge] Oh, now I get it! Hang on, I got an itch.

Chief

[baffled] What is going on around here? Who changed the name of T.U.F.F. to "Keswick presents T.U.F.F.?"

Kitty

Do you really have to ask?

Chief

Yeah, after I heard myself say it, it was pretty clear.

It's always a pleasure to hang out with my best friend, Dudley Puppy.

Dudley

This is awesome! I have so many famous bird friends!

Agent Puppy, get out of the simulation station.

Dudley

Come on, Keswick. This is your coolest invention ever! Whatever I imagine in here becomes real! In fact, could you come in here for a second? I'd like to imagine you not bothering me.

Agent Puppy, I created the simulation station to train agents for dangerous, real-life situations, not so you could good off with a has-been actor and a lame duck president.

Dudley

He's not a duck. He's an eagle. Besides, Kitty said it was okay.

I did. I think everything Dudley does is okay, if not amazing.

That is not the real Agent Katswell.

Dudley

I know. I call her, "agreeable Kitty." She's way better. [sees the real Kitty and gets startled]

Kitty

Better, Dudley? How is she better?

Dudley

Well, for one thing, she doesn't scare me like you just did. Also, her head is a gumball machine.

[eating an Animal Quacker] These taste like sugar cookies!

Kitty

Don't tell anyone I said this, but these are even better than my Carp Tarts!

I'm from the Carp Tarts company, and I heard that. You're fired, Ms. Katswell.

Kitty

You've been spying on me?

The Carp Tarts company checks up on all their spokespeople. [chuckles] Oh, boy, hiding behind a ficus sure works up an appetite. [eats an Animal Quacker] Mm! Man, these are better than Carp Tarts! [chuckles] I can say that, 'cause no one's spying on me.

Wrong, Bill! You're FIRED!

[disappointed] Oh, great. Now I gotta go sell board games in the alley. [walks away, moping]

Dudley

I'm sorry you lost your spokesperson job, Kitty, but the important thing is, I still have mine. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to use my super deep TV voice to sell more cookies!

Okay, the dragon astronaut may now kiss the bride.

What?

Kitty

Nobody said anything about kissing!

Dudley

If I object, will someone taser me?

Dudley

Eww! I pretended you were chicken and/or fish, but it didn't help.

Kitty

That's weird, 'cause I tasted ham.

Kitty

[sees Dudley wearing a trash can on his head] Dudley, why are you wearing a trash can on your head?

Dudley

Isn't it cool? Some smart girl on TV was wearing one. I heard she was poisoned.

Chief

Agent Puppy, I can't believe you misread the syrup bottle. Actually, I can't believe it. You can't even read the exit sign.

Dudley

I read better than you think. I just pretended to be stupid to get Kitty to do my work for me. [realizes what he said in shock] Oh, no! What am I saying?!

Kitty

That's okay, Dudley. It's not that much work. I just complain a lot so it looks like I'm doing more. Also, I think I'm better than all of you. [shocked by what she said] Oh, no! What am I saying?!

Chief

Keswick, it looks like your Truth Syrup works. What other secrets are you two keeping from us?

Wolf Spitzer

This is Wolf Spitzer with breaking news. There are reports that Bigfoot… Yes, Bigfoot, has robbed this strangely familiar home behind me. [realizes in shock] Wait, that's my house!

[tapping him in the shoulder] Daddy, Bigfoot… Yes, Bigfoot, stole my video games.

Wolf Spitzer

Well, sweetie, that's no big deal.

He also stole your golf clubs.

Wolf Spitzer

That monster! [vengefully] Bigfoot must be hunted down and DESTROYED!

Dudley

This is ridiculous! Bigfoot would never hurt anyone! He's kind, and generous, and he has a heart as big as his foot.

Kitty

How would you know that, Dudley?

Dudley

Because he came to comfort me when I was a kid after my mom sent me to bed without dessert. I didn't do anything wrong when we were just out of dessert.

Dudley

I'm telling you, Kitty, there's no proof Bigfoot robbed this house. [rings the doorbell]

Wolf Spitzer

[answers the door] This is Wolf Spitzer with proof that Bigfoot… Yes, Bigfoot, definitely robbed my house. [holds up a photo of Bigfoot breaking into his house and stealing his golf clubs]

Dudley

[snatches the photo out Wolf's hands] You're a big lying liar! This could be any 8-foot tall hair creature with giant feet. [rips up the photo into pieces]

Wolf Spitzer

This is Wolf Spitzer saying that I have a copy of this photo. [takes out a copy of the original photo]

Dudley

[whispering to him, mistaking him for Kitty] Why is he talking into a mic?

Wolf Spitzer

This is Wolf Spitzer saying you whispered that to me.

Kitty

Maybe we can talk to someone else, Mr. Spitzer.

This is Wolf Spitzer's Daughter, so, you can talk to me.

Kitty

[sobbing along with Dudley] We're never gonna get Tammy back!

Chief

[sobbing] I give anything to hear Tammy's voice one more time!

Kitty

Oh, my gosh! We've been robbed!

Dudley

We should call T.U.F.F.!

Kitty

We are T.U.F.F.

Dudley

Then we should call ourselves. Except we can't, our phones were stolen.

Chief

Oh, there's no crime. The government just cut our funding and took all our stuff. They even took my monitor cart and replaced it with this little red wagon and magnifying glass. Oh, they don't appreciate us anymore. Wow, it's hot in here!

Who cares what the government thinks? We're dedicated crime fighters, and no one can stop us from doing our job. [stutters] By the way, are they still paying us?

Chief

Yes, but with buttons and grated cheese.

See ya.

Kitty

Keswick, don't go!

Dudley

Let him go, Kitty. I want his buttons and cheese.

I'm not going anywhere.

Chief

You realize the importance of loyalty?

No, they turned off the power to the elevators. And there's no way I'm… [stutters] walking down 111 flights of stairs.

Dudley

Well, at least the government didn't take our vending machine. I'm gonna get a candy bar. [tries sticking a button in the vending machine coin slot, but it doesn't go in] Great! This thing doesn't take buttons. What are all these weird foods in here?

Chief

To save money. They replaced all the good stuff with cheap generic snacks. Is anyone else hot?

Dudley

"Onion Wrongs"? "Stale Mix"? "Grief Jerky"? [pounds vending machine] It's sad, cause there's nothing in the bag. [kicks vending machine] "Powdered Do-nots?" [eats but gags] Oh, "Do not" eat them. Okay, why couldn't this bag have been empty?

That's not real powdered sugar. Everything in that… [stutters] vending machine is made from Chemical 19. It's perfectly safe, as long as you're immune to radiation and your body has the ability to… [stutters] digest glass.

Chief

Let me guess, Tammy trouble?

Yeah. It just seems my wooing isn't working.

Dudley

Well, maybe Kitty can (help) give you some girl advice. She's kind of a girl.

Kitty

[flicks Dudley in the ear; annoyed] Thanks, Dudley. And you're kind of a secret agent. So, how exactly have you been wooing her, Keswick?

Well, let's see, I snuck into her house, then wrote "I love you" on her bathroom mirror in ketchup.

Chief

Agent Puppy, what's all the commotion? You just interrupted a quiet day at the spa agency.

Kitty

Chief, it's a spy agency.

Chief

Then who just gave me a deep tissue massage?