[From outside the van on the highway]
I don't know how you read your screen in the car; it makes me sick as a dog.
I'm okay as long as I don't think about it. Besides, the presentation is tomorrow.
So if you just don't think about it, it really doesn't bother you to be staring at the screen when the car's moving and turning and you're all queasy...
[Richard sticks his head out the window and vomits]
ErlichGilfoyle!
See, I knew it bothers you. Fucking liar.
Erlich
...and then I'll sort of close right here in the center with a confidence and poise that, well, they probably won't have seen up until this point. And then at that point we've got some photos that we're gonna throw up on the big screen.
Erlich
Yeah, you know, just a few. Gandhi, MLK, me as an inquisitive child...
Where the hell have you been?
Erlich
There's been some developments. You know how I fucked Melcher's old wife? I fucked his new wife too.
Erlich
Don't worry, he's not gonna find out. I left way before he got back last night, and I didn't go back this morning until twenty minutes after he'd left.
How many times did you fuck this woman?
Erlich
The old wife or the new wife?
Erlich
Last night or this morning?
Erlich, what were you thinking? This is kind of a big day today.
Erlich
Relax, he's not gonna find out. She's not gonna tell him.
How the fuck do you know that?
Erlich
Because she'd have to be crazy to tell him, and I asked her point-blank if she was crazy, and she swore to me, no, she's not crazy.
[being interviewed] For me, Kara, goodness, greatness, these are not simply catch phrases, but, in fact, really the intention of Hooli from the beginning...
Erlich
[interrupting] Gavin, you do not need to dignify any of this with a response! I can speak for myself. [To the camera] Erlich Bachman, Pied Piper. Was I brutally assaulted? Yes. Did Gavin Belson here have anything to do with it? Unclear. All I know is that the rumor that TechCrunch is all abuzz about is unproven.
Erlich
Thank you. Why would Gavin have anything to do with this? Unless he had some reason to be frightened by Pied Piper and it's superior technology? This and all other Gavin Belson rumors are unsubstantiated, okay? The alcoholism, the sexual impropriety at work, the impending crash of Hooli's stock...
This is the most ridiculous...
Erlich
Exactly. So why repeat the lascivious details, with which all of us are undoubtedly already familiar? Guilty or not, Gavin, I stand with you.
RLRoss Loma Rep
Well, you see, our main concern is how you're going to achieve escape velocity on your growth rate... [Erlich chuckles] hit critical mass. I'm sorry. What... What's funny?
Erlich
It's just that painting behind you. It's awful. It looks like harlequin Kama Sutra done poorly. So, I agree, bad culture fit. I think we all just move on.
RLRoss Loma Rep
Look, I didn't say anything about a culture fit.
Erlich
No, I did. Okay. Well, thank you for meeting with us. We have a bunch of these things to go to, hopefully with more tasteful artwork, and your logo looks like a sideways vagina. I find that to be racist, don't you?
VRVC Rep
Okay, here's my concern...
Erlich
Here's my concern: who the hell picked out that shirt for you?
Erlich
Oh, I see. With the pants, so I guess it's a whole... thing.
VRVC Rep
My wife picked these out.
Erlich
Then you married poorly.
Erlich
You see this, Richard? What is this?
Erlich
It's a wide spoon. In fact, the only spoon type that is left in this drawer. I specifically posted a note on the refrigerator saying that the more narrow spoons be reserved for the eating of Fage yogurt by me. Look at this... the angle's all wrong.
Aren't you supposed to just tip that little plastic cup part up and dump the jam into the yogurt?
Erlich
How would you know that? Have you been eating my Fage yogurts?
No, I saw it on the billboards.
Erlich
Well, what they don't tell you on the billboards is that you can't get all of it out... look at that! You have to dig it out. But you can't dig it out with these big-as-hell, wide fucking spoons.
Erlich
Interesting pitch. I will admit, I have never heard a Christian-oriented riff on dog-sharing. But Christianity is borderline illegal in Northern California. Also, how would you scale?
AApplicant
Well, we could expand from sharing dogs to other types of pets - Pot-bellied pigs, ferrets..
Erlich
I'm gonna stop you right there. You do know that ferrets are illegal in the state of California? Hmm? No. Well, then I suppose you also don't know that pot-bellied pigs have been wildly unfashionable since 2005. Owning a pot-bellied pig is frowned upon almost as much as being a Christian. Thank you, gentlemen. Good day. And technically, I'm not passing on Dog Dammit. I'm just not saying yes.
Erlich
[laughing throughout] To his face? You called him that to his face?
How could not mention the colostomy bag?
Erlich
Because it's a very private and personal matter, it's not a laughing matter.
You called him Double Asshole first. Remember, in college?
Erlich
Yeah, but not to his face, never to his face! Not even I'm that fucking cruel! But you are!
Erlich
You tore Double Asshole a third asshole! Triple-A!
I... I don't understand. How does Intersite have all this money to throw around?
Erlich
It's pornography, Richard.
Adult content has driven more important tech adaption than anything. The first fiction ever published on a printing press was an erotic tale, and from there, it was Super 8 film, Polaroid, home video, digital, video on demand...
Credit card verification systems, Snapchat. Pornography accounts for 37% of all Internet traffic.
Erlich
38 when I'm on it.
Erlich
Jian-Yang, this is the assistant. We wait for the boss to pitch. The woman you saw outside. Okay?
The lady who was smoking?
Sorry, sorry... Monica was smoking? Cigarettes?
Erlich
Cigarettes? No, no, no. He's confused. He's Chinese. He's talking about this crack-addict prostitute we saw at the gas station. She was smoking cigarettes. So sad.
Erlich
[whispering] Jian-Yang, what're you doing? This is Palo Alto. People are lunatics about smoking here. We don't enjoy all the freedoms that you have in China.
Erlich
Go for Erlich.
Erlich
You're gay? That explains so much.
No, outing me for smoking. I was heading home when my insane boss called me into the conference room for some kind of anti-smoking intervention. "No one ever died from secondhand heroin." Yeah, she said that. What did you say?
Erlich
I said nothing. Jian-Yang may have... let a little something slip to your boy Friday, but don't worry, I covered with aplomb.
That little weasel tells Laurie everything.
Erlich
On that topic, what did you think of his app?
The fundamental idea is sound. An app that helps parents find the least crowded playgrounds.
Erlich
Good. So you understood him.
The problem is, he's basically created the perfect tool for pedophiles to find victims.
Erlich
Yes, and pedophiles are typically not early-adopters, so we would miss out on that whole market. That's problematic. Well, we'll tweak it when we present it to your boss.
I don't think what I saw was close to ready for Laurie.
Erlich
Oh, really, Monica? I'm sorry that your boss unearthed your filthy little secret, but believe it or not I actually tried to have your back, and I was hoping you might do the same for me. Then again, your judgment is suspect. You are a smoker.
I smoke a few cigarettes a week! Fine, I'll ask Laurie for five minutes, but that's it. And tell Jian-Yang he better bring it.
Erlich
Monica, we may never know what indecipherable Chinese province Jian-Yang comes from, but I know this much, Jian-Yang was born to bring it. And you have got to try women, I mean, just give it a chance... [Monica hangs up]
Was I in possession of cocaine, amphetamines, aryl nitrite, also known as poppers at the time of my arrest? In large quantities. Did I have consensual intercourse with two women under the age of eighteen? Repeatedly. I admit this. Did I violate the Mann Act and transport them across state lines for sexual purposes? Alleged, but not proven. And boy they tried, they tried. Therefore, I was incarcerated and I was disbarred.
Wait, hold on. You were disbarred?
So you can't practice law?
Not in open court. In the state of California that's correct, but this is arbitration. I'm really grateful for the opportunity. I'm turning my life around. I've served my time. Questions?
I guess I have one at least um, what does aryl nitrite do?
That is accurate. Also produces euphoria.
OK thank you uh, Pete, and Jared.
Erlich
Anal dilation aside, what do you think of uh, our case? Could we go in there and just dick slap those Hooli pieces of shit?
I have reviewed your case, and it is extremely strong.
I do, every day of my life. It's only by his grace that I was able to survive that plunge into the ravine in 11 months in a state penitentiary.
So were you, were you in an emotional ravine or did you actually go, into a ravine?
Both. Now, with your approval, I would like to move forward. I, am not in possession of an office, and I'm residing in a halfway house, so I would like to give Hooli Legal your home address.
Erlich
What?
Look what's happening here. It's magical.
Erlich
The only thing magical is how much this house has appreciated in the last three years, Jared. I'm selling.
That's just money. It has no real value.
Erlich
It literally defines value.
Silicon Valley · 163 quotes
