Jack Barker quotes from Silicon Valley

Jack

Quite a plan you boys cooked up here. Quite a plan. I'm not sure what upsets me more, that I have four employees that conspired to commit felony fraud, or that I have four employees that are so stupid I found out about it within 30 seconds. Hearing it out loud, the first one seems worse.

Jack Barker

Who can say why the phone Gavin Belson brought to market started exploding when we put Keenan Feldspar's technology on it? Huh? Is it Gavin's fault? Is it Keenan's fault? Is it 50-50? Who knows? We need to change the narrative here.

Jack Barker

Let me tell you a story. In 1999, Google was a little startup, just like we are. And when they started bringing in chefs and masseuses, we thought, "They're nuts!" But they were attracting the best possible people, and they were able to create the best product, and now they're worth over $400 billion. And do you know the name of that company?

Richard

Google, right? You said it at the beginning of the story.

Jack Barker

[beat] You're right. I did that wrong.

Jack Barker

Take a look at the Conjoined Triangles of Success. Now, what do those two triangles make together?

Richard

A square?

Jack Barker

A box! They make a box. You can't make that shit up.

Richard

But you literally did make it up.

Jack Barker

Yes, I did. And now they teach it at business schools.

Apparently there was frost on the loading dock at our microprocessor plant in Acton.

Jack Barker

So, it's cold outside. Why does everyone in this state have to be such a wimp about it?

Well, a semitruck slid right through the door and hit the main breaker panel and melted down the entire facility. The driver was incinerated, instantly.

Jack Barker

I see. [beat] Well, thoughts and prayers, obviously. But we'll still be ready to roll out in time for Hoolicon, right? [awkward silence] Guys. Hey. I'm not Gavin Belson. You can be honest with me. How many days will this set us back?

We're going to miss delivery of product by two quarters.

Jack

You realize Hoolicon is in one week, right? I mean, it's my first Hoolicon as CEO of this company. I'm supposed to get up on stage, in front of an audience of thousands, and deliver a keynote presentation built entirely around the release of Box Two! I was going to descend onto the stage, in a giant box. Boom! Jack-in-the-box. Then Mike Tyson and Floyd Mayweather were gonna come out and box over who was gonna get to take home the first new box! These are world-class puns! Now I got nothing!