Gavin quotes from Silicon Valley

What is Hooli? Excellent question. Hooli isn't just another high tech company. Hooli isn't just about software. Hooli...Hooli is about people. Hooli is about innovative technology that makes a difference, transforming the world as we know it. Making the world a better place, through minimal message oriented transport layers. I firmly believe we can only achieve greatness if first we achieve goodness.

It's weird. They always travel in groups of five. These programmers, there's always a tall, skinny white guy; short, skinny Asian guy; fat guy with a ponytail; some guy with crazy facial hair; and then an East Indian guy. It's like they trade guys until they all have the right group.

If we can make your audio and video files smaller, we can make cancer smaller. And hunger. And... AIDS.

Fuck you, the audio’s still working! Audio worked a hundred fucking years ago, you fucking piece of shit!

Anyone who tells you their platform is faster than ours better have good lawyers.

I don't know about you people, but I don't want to live in a world where someone else makes the world a better place better than we do.

Consider the bulldog: a grotesque monstrosity born of relentless inbreeding. Riddled with sinusitis, crippled by joint pain. Chronically flatulent. A kindly pet, or humanity's cruelest mistake? All right, take it away. Ladies and gentlemen, just like that horrible creature, the entire Nucleus program was the result of inbreeding. We mated Hooli engineers with Hooli designers in a Hooli kennel. Is it any wonder the result was just as unspeakable as that thing? Bring it back here. Look at that hideous face. All right, get it out of here!

[looking at a crowd of protesters] You know, a hundred years ago, men like me could've had people like that killed. Just like that. You think captains of industry like Andrew Carnegie or Cornelius Vanderbilt would've batted an eyelid? Please. [sighs] Times sure have changed... Or have they? [beat] Of course they have. And for the better. Unless... All right, forget it.

I had my blood tested this morning. My cholesterol is through the roof. At this rate, [tearfully] I'll be dead at the age of a hundred and twenty.

Fuck you, God! What have I done to deserve this?!

[being interviewed] For me, Kara, goodness, greatness, these are not simply catch phrases, but, in fact, really the intention of Hooli from the beginning...

Erlich

[interrupting] Gavin, you do not need to dignify any of this with a response! I can speak for myself. [To the camera] Erlich Bachman, Pied Piper. Was I brutally assaulted? Yes. Did Gavin Belson here have anything to do with it? Unclear. All I know is that the rumor that TechCrunch is all abuzz about is unproven.

Wait, what rumor?

Erlich

Thank you. Why would Gavin have anything to do with this? Unless he had some reason to be frightened by Pied Piper and it's superior technology? This and all other Gavin Belson rumors are unsubstantiated, okay? The alcoholism, the sexual impropriety at work, the impending crash of Hooli's stock...

This is the most ridiculous...

Erlich

Exactly. So why repeat the lascivious details, with which all of us are undoubtedly already familiar? Guilty or not, Gavin, I stand with you.

Now, Pied Piper, you've conceded on all of these minor counts. Accordingly, on the count of wrongful solicitation, I find Richard Hendricks did indeed breach his contract with Hooli when he hired away a Hooli employee, one Donald Dunn, a.k.a. Jared, a.k.a. O.J., apparently. But this is where things get interesting. Mr. Belson, there is language in this contract that the California Supreme Court has deemed unlawful. Preventing Mr. Dunn from seeking employment elsewhere is a violation of his rights. Are you aware of this?

I was not, but I'm willing to drop that count altogether if it makes things easier.

Well, here's the thing. This clause was unlawful when you included it in Mr. Hendricks' employment agreement.

Right, as I said, I'm willing to just move past this.

See, again, I don't think you understand. If Mr. Hendricks hadn't hired Mr. Dunn, or you hadn't pursued him for that hire, I'm not sure I would've noticed the violation. But you did, so I did.

Richard

[whisper] What's happening?

Pete

Justice, baby.

And what I find is, this is an unenforceable contract. It is null and void. So effectively, Mr. Hendricks never had a valid employment agreement with Hooli. As a result, Hooli has no claim of ownership to Pied Piper's underlying IP. That is my ruling, and per your arbitration agreement, it is binding and final. Thank you, everyone.

[to his lawyers] What the fuck just happened?! We lost?! You gotta be fucking kidding me!

Richard

We won? We won, right? I mean, Pied Piper is ours?

Pete

Richard, not long ago, emergency workers pulled me out of the flaming wreckage of my Mercury Grand Marquis. Today, you pulled me out of the flaming wreckage of my life, and those flames burned far hotter. For that, I thank you.

Richard

Yeah...you're welcome.

Pete

I used to take a tampon, soak it in grain alcohol, and stick it up into my rectum. That got me high, Richard, but not half as high as the drug you just gave me. You know what that drug's called?

Richard

No.

Pete

A second chance.

So what've you got?

Well, sir, I did as you asked. I flew the company plane to Shanghai, then Moffett, then Jackson Hole. Then I flew back to Shanghai, then to Jackson Hole, then to Moffett, which is where I just landed.

And?

Moffett is 28.3 minutes closer.

I fucking knew it!

Over the last 80 years, we've built a real trust with our customers...

Alright! Great tour!

Oh, there's a lot more to see.

Ugh. Why? Look, I came here to offer you a partnership to cut down your server bills.

Oh! Well, our server costs were far higher than we anticipated. As we said, we're not well versed in...

The 20th century? Yeah, you mentioned that. Do you want to save a fortune or not?

Well... yes.

In exchange, I need you to do something for me with regard to the people who hacked your refrigerators. I'm going to destroy their lives.

Things are changing in China now, Gavin. There are many reforms. As you see, we provide a series of Tai Chi and movement classes, free for all employees, as well as free medical benefits. Ah, our nutrition center. In addition to all the good food we serve in our main cafeteria. Also free of charge. This concludes our tour. Any questions?

Just one. What the fuck?!

Sorry?

If I wanted to see nap pods and climbing walls, I would've stayed home. Or gone to fucking Denmark. All I want to see is people working as hard as they possibly can. That's why we come to China.