Jared Dunn quotes from Silicon Valley

Jared

Well, get some sleep, my bros. I'll set the meeting, and, um, then I'll go find some hoes to prioritize behind you.

Jared

Oh, uh, while I have you, there were fresh droppings near my cot. I think you were right. The Havahart traps don't seem to be working. I was thinking maybe we could just pick a day and just drench it in hawk urine, because the scent of a predator can keep rodents at bay. It's funny, we're named Pied Piper, but we're beset with rats. Little rascals.

Jared

Well, what's gone is not necessarily lost. Okay, we just need to find it. I found my retainer in the school dumpster. I found my biological father in a militia up in the Ozarks. This should be no problem.

Jared

He and his his posse of bandits and cutthroats will turn on you in a second. You need me the half-crazed, half-Apache who will do anything to get your back. I'll scalp Gavin if I have to, and all the rest of those paleface sons of bitches. I'll kill them with knives. I'll kill them with guns. I'll kill them with my hands. I'll talk them into suicide. It doesn't matter.

Jared

All right, fine. I'll fulfill my duties under protest, but I will not do anything illegal nor unethical, and I will not lie. I already have upwards of 50 burnt perinea on my conscience.

Jared

Richard, this is all an idea. And people don't wanna follow an idea, they wanna follow a leader. Look at the last guy to create a new Internet. Al Gore. His ideas were excellent, but he talked like a narcoleptic plantation owner, so he lost the presidency to a fake cowboy and now he makes apocalypse porn.

Jared

Okay, Richard, it is important to develop emotional self-discipline for situations like this. Sometimes you have to numb yourself. If you want to work the corner, you can't fall in love every time you turn a trick. That's why you do the oxy.

Jared

So, um... can you kind of catch me up on what you see as your role in the company? What do you do?

Gilfoyle

What do I do? System architecture. Networking and security. No one in this house can touch me on that.

Jared

Ok, that's good to know.

Gilfoyle

But does anyone appreciate that? While you were busy minoring in gender studies and singing a Capella at Sarah Lawrence, I was gaining root access to NSA servers. I was one click away from starting a second Iranian revolution.

Jared

I actually went to Vassar.

Gilfoyle

I prevent cross-site scripting, I monitor for DDoS attacks, emergency database rollbacks, and faulty transaction handlings. The Internet... heard of it? Transfers half a petabyte of data every minute. Do you have any idea how that happens? All those You Porn ones and zeroes streaming directly to your shitty, little smart phone day after day? Every dipstick who shoots his pants if he can't get the new dub step Skrillex remix in under 12 seconds? It's not magic, it's talent and sweat. People like me, ensuring your packets get delivered, un-sniffed. So what do I do? I make sure that one bad config on one key component doesn't bankrupt the entire fucking company. That's what the fuck I do.

Richard

That's basically what I told him.

Jared

I checked with the Secretary of State website, and there's already a "Pied Piper" operating in California. So we need to change our name.

Dinesh

Thank God!

Gilfoyle

Praise the dark lord, that's great news.

Richard

No, it's not great news. We love the name Pied Piper. It's a classic fairy tale.

Jared

Well, I looked it up. It's about a predatory flutist who murders children in a cave.

Gilfoyle

It has all of that going for it, Richard, and I still hate it.

Dunn

Hey, Dinesh. Dinesh. I'm on the phone with the bank and they say they need an extra form for your payroll, because of your visa?

Dinesh

Visa? What visa? I'm a fucking US citizen.

Dunn

[on phone] I have Dinesh Chugtai here, and he's pretty irate because... Oh, I see. Bertram Gilfoyle is the foreign national. Citizen of Canada. Okay, thank you.

Dinesh

You're Canadian?

Gilfoyle

Your "borders" are merely a construct. I prefer to think of myself as a citizen of the world.

Dunn

Do you mind just sending them the form so they know you're here legally?

Gilfoyle

Yes, I mind. And also I may not be. To wit, maybe you could make out my checks to cash? Or bitcoin.

Dinesh

I didn't know I was working with an illegal.

Gilfoyle

The irony.

Dinesh

You know who else is Canadian? Justin Bieber. The Hitler of music.

Dunn

Hitler played bassoon. So technically Hitler was the Hitler of music.

Jared

Take Dinesh and Gilfoyle. They are wasting an enormous amount of time arguing. What if we were to separate them, right? Divide their existing work space into two areas. We could put in some kind of portable barrier...

Dinesh

He's talking about cubicles!

Gilfoyle

We are not doing cubicles. No way!

Jared

No, no, no. Don't think of it as a cubicle. Just think of it as a neutral-colored enclosure, about yay-high, around your workspace.

Dunn

Instagram pivoted! Chat roulette pivoted! We're gonna pivot! [Walks away]

Dinesh

That might be the last time we see him alive.

Before I search, do you have any narcotics, weapons or needles?

Dunn

Yes I do. [Hands Adderall bottle to officer]

Adderall? This is a highly controlled substance.

Dunn

Oh, no, it's not mine. It’s for an underage kid I brought to my house.

Dinesh

His balls? He put his balls on the table?

Richard

Right on the table.

Jared

On purpose?

Richard

I don't see how it could be by accident.

Erlich

[Entering] Richard, I just got an email from the guys at Midland-Oak. Apparently, there is a line, and I crossed it... The line between $12 and $15 million!