Richard Hendriks quotes from Silicon Valley

Hendriks

I always knew I was missing something, and then when someone explained the concept of ‘game’ I remember very distinctly thinking ‘That’s what I don’t have.’

Richard

Pied Piper is a proprietary site that lets you find out if your music is infringing on any existing copyrights. So, imagine you were a song writer, ok?

Peter Gregory

I don't think I could write a song.

Richard

Yeah, no, just imagine if you were.

Peter Gregory

I don't even think I could say, "Pied Piper is a proprietary site." Well, I just did but it wasn't easy.

Richard

I have a meeting with Gavin Belson. He wants to talk about Pied Piper.

Erlich

I own 10% of Pied Piper.

Richard

You said it was a shitty idea.

Erlich

It was a shitty idea. I'm not sure what it is now.

You know, a while back, we had a guy in here in almost the exact same situation, "take the money or keep the company."

Richard

What happened?

Well, a couple months later he was brought into the ER with a self-inflicted gunshot wound. I guess he really regretted not taking that money.

Richard

He shot himself because he turned down the money?

Yeah. Or no, he took the money. Or no. No, he did not. I don't... You know what? I don't remember. But whatever it was, he regretted it so much that he ended up shooting himself. And now he's blind.

Richard

He's blind?

Yeah, just FYI, if you're ever gonna shoot yourself, don't hold the gun up to your temple, ok? Because that just basically just took out both of his optic nerves and then, you know, half of his face. And then his wife left him, because... you know.

Richard

Yikes.

Right? He may have been a genius programmer but not so much in human anatomy. Or decision making, for that matter. Now he's got to live with all that and whatever terrible decision he made about the money

Erlich

Richard, if you're not an asshole, it creates this kind of asshole vacuum, and that void is filled by other assholes, like Jared. I mean, you almost gave him shares. You need to completely change who you are, Richard. A complete Teutonic shift has to happen.

Richard

Tectonic.

Erlich

What?

Richard

A "tectonic" shift is the earth's crust moving around. "Teutonic", which is what you just said, is an ancient Germanic tribe that fought the Romans. They were originally from Scandinavia...

Erlich

Stop it! Stop it. You're being a complete tool right now. I need you to be a complete asshole.

Jared

So, um... can you kind of catch me up on what you see as your role in the company? What do you do?

Gilfoyle

What do I do? System architecture. Networking and security. No one in this house can touch me on that.

Jared

Ok, that's good to know.

Gilfoyle

But does anyone appreciate that? While you were busy minoring in gender studies and singing a Capella at Sarah Lawrence, I was gaining root access to NSA servers. I was one click away from starting a second Iranian revolution.

Jared

I actually went to Vassar.

Gilfoyle

I prevent cross-site scripting, I monitor for DDoS attacks, emergency database rollbacks, and faulty transaction handlings. The Internet... heard of it? Transfers half a petabyte of data every minute. Do you have any idea how that happens? All those You Porn ones and zeroes streaming directly to your shitty, little smart phone day after day? Every dipstick who shoots his pants if he can't get the new dub step Skrillex remix in under 12 seconds? It's not magic, it's talent and sweat. People like me, ensuring your packets get delivered, un-sniffed. So what do I do? I make sure that one bad config on one key component doesn't bankrupt the entire fucking company. That's what the fuck I do.

Richard

That's basically what I told him.

Richard

That was nice, guys. He heard everything.

Dinesh

That doesn't make it not true.

Gilfoyle

I mean, come on, Richard. As far as Pied Piper is concerned, he's as pointless as Mass Effect 3s multiple endings. I mean, he's a completely useless appendage and we all know it.

Richard

Since when do we have an intern program?

Erlich

We don’t. And when Keith finds that out, it’s going to be a very valuable business lesson for him.

Jared

I checked with the Secretary of State website, and there's already a "Pied Piper" operating in California. So we need to change our name.

Dinesh

Thank God!

Gilfoyle

Praise the dark lord, that's great news.

Richard

No, it's not great news. We love the name Pied Piper. It's a classic fairy tale.

Jared

Well, I looked it up. It's about a predatory flutist who murders children in a cave.

Gilfoyle

It has all of that going for it, Richard, and I still hate it.

You remind me of my son. He's got Asperger's too.

Richard

Oh, no, I don't uh...

Probably all those pesticides they put on the crops. Well, whatever it is your business does, I don't think it's going to interfere with my irrigation company here. I'm thinking about getting in another line of work anyway. All these foreigners coming over here, putting pieces of shit like that all over the good farmland around here [points to server farm]. All so people can sit around, stare at their phones all day. Nobody jerks off to magazines any more.

Hendriks

You know, I wish this was Roman times.

Dinesh

I would have been a slave!

Gilfoyle

There’s still time.

Richard

I don't get it. Doesn't Peter Gregory want what's best for the company?

Monica

Look. I'm going to be straight with you. Peter Gregory doesn't care.

Richard

About...?

Monica

You.

Erlich

Wait. Just him or both of us?

Monica

Any of you. Pied Piper.

Richard

OK... Uh, well, then why did he back us? Does he just want to piss off Gavin Belson? He spent two hundred thousand dollars just to...

Monica

Yeah, that's nothing! Peter would spend millions just to mildly annoy Gavin. These are billionaires, Richard. Humiliating each other is worth more to them than we'll make in a lifetime.

Richard

The point is, I learned Ruby on Rails over a weekend when I was 17. I should be able to learn cloud, I have to.

Can I give you my professional opinion, as your doctor? You should have taken that ten million dollars from Gavin Belson, OK? But regrets will kill ya so try not to dwell on it.

Gilfoyle

I don't know how you read your screen in the car; it makes me sick as a dog.

Richard

I'm okay as long as I don't think about it. Besides, the presentation is tomorrow.

Gilfoyle

So if you just don't think about it, it really doesn't bother you to be staring at the screen when the car's moving and turning and you're all queasy...

Erlich

Gilfoyle!

Gilfoyle

See, I knew it bothers you. Fucking liar.

Gilfoyle

Where the hell have you been?

Erlich

There's been some developments. You know how I fucked Melcher's old wife? I fucked his new wife too.

Richard

What?

Erlich

Don't worry, he's not gonna find out. I left way before he got back last night, and I didn't go back this morning until twenty minutes after he'd left.

Gilfoyle

You went back?

Dinesh

How many times did you fuck this woman?

Erlich

The old wife or the new wife?

Dinesh

The new wife.

Erlich

Last night or this morning?

Richard

Erlich, what were you thinking? This is kind of a big day today.

Erlich

Relax, he's not gonna find out. She's not gonna tell him.

Dinesh

How the fuck do you know that?

Erlich

Because she'd have to be crazy to tell him, and I asked her point-blank if she was crazy, and she swore to me, no, she's not crazy.