Bertram Gilfoyle quotes from Silicon Valley

Gilfoyle

I just masturbated to heighten my focus. I have a 15-minute refractory period.

Dinesh

What the hell are you eating?

Gilfoyle

Liquid Shrimp. It's 200 dollars a quart. Wylie Dufresne made it.

Dinesh

How does it taste?

Gilfoyle

Like how I would imagine cum tastes.

Gilfoyle

Who was this woman that you shook hands with for the first time?

Dinesh

The postman lady.

Gilfoyle

What? A woman that was a man?

Dinesh

Not a post-man lady. A lady who was a post...

Gilfoyle

Let me ask you another question. Who was the second woman you shook hands with?

Jared

So, um... can you kind of catch me up on what you see as your role in the company? What do you do?

Gilfoyle

What do I do? System architecture. Networking and security. No one in this house can touch me on that.

Jared

Ok, that's good to know.

Gilfoyle

But does anyone appreciate that? While you were busy minoring in gender studies and singing a Capella at Sarah Lawrence, I was gaining root access to NSA servers. I was one click away from starting a second Iranian revolution.

Jared

I actually went to Vassar.

Gilfoyle

I prevent cross-site scripting, I monitor for DDoS attacks, emergency database rollbacks, and faulty transaction handlings. The Internet... heard of it? Transfers half a petabyte of data every minute. Do you have any idea how that happens? All those You Porn ones and zeroes streaming directly to your shitty, little smart phone day after day? Every dipstick who shoots his pants if he can't get the new dub step Skrillex remix in under 12 seconds? It's not magic, it's talent and sweat. People like me, ensuring your packets get delivered, un-sniffed. So what do I do? I make sure that one bad config on one key component doesn't bankrupt the entire fucking company. That's what the fuck I do.

Richard

That's basically what I told him.

Richard

That was nice, guys. He heard everything.

Dinesh

That doesn't make it not true.

Gilfoyle

I mean, come on, Richard. As far as Pied Piper is concerned, he's as pointless as Mass Effect 3s multiple endings. I mean, he's a completely useless appendage and we all know it.

Jared

I checked with the Secretary of State website, and there's already a "Pied Piper" operating in California. So we need to change our name.

Dinesh

Thank God!

Gilfoyle

Praise the dark lord, that's great news.

Richard

No, it's not great news. We love the name Pied Piper. It's a classic fairy tale.

Jared

Well, I looked it up. It's about a predatory flutist who murders children in a cave.

Gilfoyle

It has all of that going for it, Richard, and I still hate it.

Dunn

Hey, Dinesh. Dinesh. I'm on the phone with the bank and they say they need an extra form for your payroll, because of your visa?

Dinesh

Visa? What visa? I'm a fucking US citizen.

Dunn

[on phone] I have Dinesh Chugtai here, and he's pretty irate because... Oh, I see. Bertram Gilfoyle is the foreign national. Citizen of Canada. Okay, thank you.

Dinesh

You're Canadian?

Gilfoyle

Your "borders" are merely a construct. I prefer to think of myself as a citizen of the world.

Dunn

Do you mind just sending them the form so they know you're here legally?

Gilfoyle

Yes, I mind. And also I may not be. To wit, maybe you could make out my checks to cash? Or bitcoin.

Dinesh

I didn't know I was working with an illegal.

Gilfoyle

The irony.

Hendriks

You know, I wish this was Roman times.

Dinesh

I would have been a slave!

Gilfoyle

There’s still time.

Jared

Take Dinesh and Gilfoyle. They are wasting an enormous amount of time arguing. What if we were to separate them, right? Divide their existing work space into two areas. We could put in some kind of portable barrier...

Dinesh

He's talking about cubicles!

Gilfoyle

We are not doing cubicles. No way!

Jared

No, no, no. Don't think of it as a cubicle. Just think of it as a neutral-colored enclosure, about yay-high, around your workspace.

Gilfoyle

As shocking as this is... Tara is attracted to you.

Dinesh

Come again?

Gilfoyle

Yeah, freaked me out too, at first.

Dinesh

I don't like the "at first" part at all.

Gilfoyle

I don't know how you read your screen in the car; it makes me sick as a dog.

Richard

I'm okay as long as I don't think about it. Besides, the presentation is tomorrow.

Gilfoyle

So if you just don't think about it, it really doesn't bother you to be staring at the screen when the car's moving and turning and you're all queasy...

Erlich

Gilfoyle!

Gilfoyle

See, I knew it bothers you. Fucking liar.

Gilfoyle

It's not her you're sexually attracted to, it's my code.

Dinesh

Shut the... That is the most disgusting fucking thing I've ever h...

Gilfoyle

Just face it, Dinesh, you're gay for my code, you're code gay.

Dinesh

No! No, I'm into her. Her, OK? Fuck your code!

Gilfoyle

You'd like to fuck my code, wouldn't you? Hey, would you like to masturbate to the subroutine I just wrote?

Gilfoyle

Where the hell have you been?

Erlich

There's been some developments. You know how I fucked Melcher's old wife? I fucked his new wife too.

Richard

What?

Erlich

Don't worry, he's not gonna find out. I left way before he got back last night, and I didn't go back this morning until twenty minutes after he'd left.

Gilfoyle

You went back?

Dinesh

How many times did you fuck this woman?

Erlich

The old wife or the new wife?

Dinesh

The new wife.

Erlich

Last night or this morning?

Richard

Erlich, what were you thinking? This is kind of a big day today.

Erlich

Relax, he's not gonna find out. She's not gonna tell him.

Dinesh

How the fuck do you know that?

Erlich

Because she'd have to be crazy to tell him, and I asked her point-blank if she was crazy, and she swore to me, no, she's not crazy.

Gilfoyle

Every day it feels like I’ve died and gone to hell.

Oh?

Dinesh

He’s a Satanist. It’s a good thing.

Gilfoyle

Wait. Did you just say you were the cool cousin?

Dinesh

Yeah.

Gilfoyle

Please explain.

Dinesh

Well, when we were kids, I was the one getting good grades, I was the one who was planning for my future. I would bring gifts for my teachers, 'cause they worked so hard. You know, cool stuff. He was always getting in trouble, he got caught smoking opium in the tool shed, he crashed my uncle's motorbike.

Gilfoyle

And you think you're the cool one?

Dinesh

Yeah, it's different in Pakistan.

Gilfoyle

I've never been, but I know it isn't.