Jian-Yang, this is the assistant. We wait for the boss to pitch. The woman you saw outside. Okay?
The lady who was smoking?
PeteSorry, sorry... Monica was smoking? Cigarettes?
Cigarettes? No, no, no. He's confused. He's Chinese. He's talking about this crack-addict prostitute we saw at the gas station. She was smoking cigarettes. So sad.
Pete
Oh. [leaves]
[whispering] Jian-Yang, what're you doing? This is Palo Alto. People are lunatics about smoking here. We don't enjoy all the freedoms that you have in China.
Pete
Was I in possession of cocaine, amphetamines, aryl nitrite, also known as poppers at the time of my arrest? In large quantities. Did I have consensual intercourse with two women under the age of eighteen? Repeatedly. I admit this. Did I violate the Mann Act and transport them across state lines for sexual purposes? Alleged, but not proven. And boy they tried, they tried. Therefore, I was incarcerated and I was disbarred.
Wait, hold on. You were disbarred?
So you can't practice law?
Pete
Not in open court. In the state of California that's correct, but this is arbitration. I'm really grateful for the opportunity. I'm turning my life around. I've served my time. Questions?
I guess I have one at least um, what does aryl nitrite do?
Pete
That is accurate. Also produces euphoria.
OK thank you uh, Pete, and Jared.
Anal dilation aside, what do you think of uh, our case? Could we go in there and just dick slap those Hooli pieces of shit?
Pete
I have reviewed your case, and it is extremely strong.
Pete
I do, every day of my life. It's only by his grace that I was able to survive that plunge into the ravine in 11 months in a state penitentiary.
So were you, were you in an emotional ravine or did you actually go, into a ravine?
Pete
Both. Now, with your approval, I would like to move forward. I, am not in possession of an office, and I'm residing in a halfway house, so I would like to give Hooli Legal your home address.
JJudge
Now, Pied Piper, you've conceded on all of these minor counts. Accordingly, on the count of wrongful solicitation, I find Richard Hendricks did indeed breach his contract with Hooli when he hired away a Hooli employee, one Donald Dunn, a.k.a. Jared, a.k.a. O.J., apparently. But this is where things get interesting. Mr. Belson, there is language in this contract that the California Supreme Court has deemed unlawful. Preventing Mr. Dunn from seeking employment elsewhere is a violation of his rights. Are you aware of this?
I was not, but I'm willing to drop that count altogether if it makes things easier.
JJudge
Well, here's the thing. This clause was unlawful when you included it in Mr. Hendricks' employment agreement.
Right, as I said, I'm willing to just move past this.
JJudge
See, again, I don't think you understand. If Mr. Hendricks hadn't hired Mr. Dunn, or you hadn't pursued him for that hire, I'm not sure I would've noticed the violation. But you did, so I did.
[whisper] What's happening?
Pete
Justice, baby.
JJudge
And what I find is, this is an unenforceable contract. It is null and void. So effectively, Mr. Hendricks never had a valid employment agreement with Hooli. As a result, Hooli has no claim of ownership to Pied Piper's underlying IP. That is my ruling, and per your arbitration agreement, it is binding and final. Thank you, everyone.
[to his lawyers] What the fuck just happened?! We lost?! You gotta be fucking kidding me!
We won? We won, right? I mean, Pied Piper is ours?
Pete
Richard, not long ago, emergency workers pulled me out of the flaming wreckage of my Mercury Grand Marquis. Today, you pulled me out of the flaming wreckage of my life, and those flames burned far hotter. For that, I thank you.
Pete
I used to take a tampon, soak it in grain alcohol, and stick it up into my rectum. That got me high, Richard, but not half as high as the drug you just gave me. You know what that drug's called?
Pete
A second chance.
Silicon Valley · 163 quotes
