Erlich Bachman quotes from Silicon Valley

Oh, no, they don't even need to look inside. They only want the property for the lot value.

Erlich

Lot value? Meaning?

You have to realize your house is a total teardown, right?

Erlich

They want to tear this place down?

Mr. Bachman... they want to make an offer right now. All cash. Mr. Bachman, I think you would be foolish to turn this down.

Erlich

Did you just call me a fool?

No. All I meant was...

Erlich

Madam, you do not call a man a fool on the transom of his own home. A home that happens to be the world headquarters of a company keeping streaming video of a man who's about to drink his own urine online for tens of thousands of Filipinos. Does that sound like foolishness to you? So, you can tell your clients, respectfully, that they may go fuck themselves.

Jared

Richard, unfortunately, in this case I think we have to roll over and take it.

Erlich

[loudly] Or do we?

Jared

Erlich, you have something to say?

Erlich

Richard... when George Washington founded a little startup we've come to know as these United States of America, and he was tired of getting shit from his CEO, the King of England, did he just roll over and take it from behind? No. He called on his ride-or-die homeboys, Tommy Jefferson, Benny Franklin, and Alex Hamilton... who was half-black, so that's Dinesh.

Dinesh

I'm not half-black.

Erlich

He said, "Avast, ye fellow badasses, let's build this country the way we motherfucking want to."

Jared

Wait. We can't enjoy going to work. Meinertzhagen's haversack.

Richard

What?

Jared

Meinertzhagen's haversack. [beat] No one? Really? [silence] No one's heard of Meinertzhagen's haversack?

Erlich

Of course I have, Jared. Just explain it to them.

Erlich

Cut the shit, Big Head. I see exactly what you're doing. Poaching my tenants? You stole my business model.

Big Head

What? No. Dude, it's not like that at all. It's just this house has, like, nine bedrooms. You have any idea how scary that gets at night? So I just wanted to have some roommates around, but, um, you know, I felt weird charging them rent, cause, you know.

Erlich

No, I don't.

Big Head

Well, it's like, 20 million, you know, so I don't really need it, but then they felt weird living here without paying me anything, so they offered me pieces of their startups. That's all.

Erlich

You just admitted to starting a competing incubator. I've caught you in a web of your own lies, haven't I?

Big Head

I don't think so. Wait, have you?

Richard

Hey. Uh, how do I look?

Erlich

If I'm being honest, like a ventriloquist dummy.

Richard

Uh...Okay. Well, you know, that's actually kind of fitting, because I'm on my way to Raviga right now to meet with a PR person to tell me exactly what to say to a report and how to say it.

Erlich

Well, that does make sense. You do tend to babble on when you're under pressure.

Richard

Why does this thing people says?

Erlich

Why indeed?

Erlich

Big Head, I'm not going to yell. And I'm not going to hit you. I'm just gonna ask you nicely, why in the holy fuck didn't you tell me you signed an NDA, you sweet, helpless, little piece of shit?

Big Head

Well, that's the thing about the NDA, is that the NDA is actually covered under the NDA. So if I told you about the NDA, it would've been a violation of the NDA.

Have either of you been on a jury?

Erlich

No, of course not. I always get out of it. The fines are very reasonable.

Big Head

You don't just throw those things away?

Gentlemen, let me tell you what I see. I see two able-bodied, entitled young white men who lucked into more money than most people see in five lifetimes, and who, if they hadn't had their millions stolen, would have promptly squandered them on more things like relocated swimming pools and lost tiki heads.

Erlich

It's not lost! I know exactly where it is. It's in the bay. And if your Coast Guard would be a little more helpful, we probably could have dragged it out of there by now.

Jian Yang

You're a con man, like Erlich!

What does that mean?

Erlich

It it's a little term of endearment we have around the house. Uh, a confident man. He sees me as a confident man, and he looks up to me. You know, you have to be patient with him, 'cause he's a bit of a moron.

Well, we all got to talking the other day after class. We couldn't figure out if you were, like, a TA or why you were giving us assignments, but we all agreed we didn't like the way that you were speaking to Professor Bighetti.

Big Head

I'm used to it.

So we searched your name on PitchBook, and that SeeFood app you got funded at Raviga popped up.

Erlich

PitchBook? How do you have access to PitchBook?

Your idea was so simple. It was like something you could come up with in the room during a meeting. Which is what Garrett from Coleman Blair told us at the CS undergrad mixer on Friday.

Hey, Erlich. Here I am. Class of '06. Go Cardinal.

Go Cardinal!

Anyways, we founded our own Shazam-for-food company, and he's funding us.

Mm-hmm.

Erlich

Whoa, congrats! [beat] Wait, that's stealing.

No. It's exactly what Mark Zuckerberg did to the Winklevii in that Facebook movie Professor Bighetti had us watch. And he was the hero of that film. And with all of us working together, we'll easily beat you to market.

Erlich

So, that's how it goes, huh? Hmm? You steal a man's idea, rendering his company worthless? I've read a number of disparaging articles about your generation in The Atlantic and Slate.com summaries. It's all true.

Erlich

I looked him dead in the eyes, and I said, 'Daniel, I've fucked every wife you've ever had. Care to go three for three?' Needless to say, he did not.

Gilfoyle

You don't come off in that story as well as you think you do.

Jian Yang

No, I want a new fridge, a smarter fridge. [pointing to catalog] Like this.

Erlich

Fourteen thousand dollars for a smart fridge? Unlike you, I now work for a living. I'm not gonna drop that kind of dough on a fridge.

Jian Yang

I ordered it already. I buy it for myself.

Erlich

Then why are you talking to me about it?

Jian Yang

To make you feel bad, because you are fat and poor.

Gilfoyle

You're not seriously thinking of going to Tibet. You're broke. How the fuck are you gonna pay for that?

Erlich

That's where you come in, my great friends. I figured we might pass the hat? Just give whatever you are comfortable with.

Jian Yang

I'll pay for it, whatever it costs.

Erlich

Well, it seems the smallest of us has the biggest heart. Thank you, young Jianathan. Business class?

Jian Yang

Premium economy. You fly one way.

Richard

Don't you need a visa to go to China?

Jian Yang

Yes. I can call my uncle in Beijing. He's very corrupt.