Erlich Bachman quotes from Silicon Valley

Erlich

You guys taking it all in? Because this is what it looks like when Google acquires your company for over 200 million dollars.

Erlich

Time is a sphere, and I have been reincarnated in the same time at which I exist!

Erlich

I’m already smiling, do you really have to paint me giving the thumbs-up? It’s gratuitous.

Erlich

Richard, you're a fucking rock star, OK? You just don't know cloud, this tiny, little, shitty area, which is becoming super important, and in many ways is the future of computing... That sort of went south on me, but you understand what I'm saying.

Erlich

We have to act like any animal that's been cornered, acting erratically and blindly lashing out at anything around us.

Erlich

We’re going to win even if I have to go in there and jerk off everyone in the audience!

Erlich

Let me ask you. How fast do you think you could jerk off every guy in this room? Because I know how long it would take me. And I can prove it.

Erlich

Richard, I'm an independent businessman. Emphasis on "independent." And "business." And "man," come to think of it.

Erlich

You ungrateful pricks, all of you. Your tepid response to our intrepid boss makes me ill. His plan, will it work? Almost certainly not. All of you will likely look back at this time in your lives and realize you wasted a whole year with nothing to show for it. But if this company is a plane, then this is Richard's goddamn plane, and if he wants to fly it in the side of a fucking mountain, that is his prerogative and it is our duty to climb on, strap in and have a fiery death right behind him.

Erlich

I called Big Head to tell him that our share was worth half a mil each and, not five minutes later, his father, one Nelson Bighetti, Sr., called me and explained that I was never to have any financial dealings with his son in perpetuity, uh, ever or he would get 'very Italian' on me. And I'm not interested to find out what that means.

Erlich

Oh, my God. It's a VR play. That's the frothiest space in the Valley right now. Nobody understands it, but everybody wants in. Any idiot can walk into a fucking room, utter the letters "V" and "R," and VCs will hurl bricks of cash at him. Then by the time they find out that it's vaporware, it's too late. I have got to get in on this.

Erlich

I'm saying that I very much respect what you're doing here, almost revere it, and I wanted to offer my services as an associate. And I will not phone it in. I'll be the first one here at 10:30 a.m. and the last one to leave a smidge after 4:00. I'll, of course, need an office, an attractive personal assistant, paternity leave, if that goes well, and an umbrella insurance policy if that does not go well.

Richard

I have a meeting with Gavin Belson. He wants to talk about Pied Piper.

Erlich

I own 10% of Pied Piper.

Richard

You said it was a shitty idea.

Erlich

It was a shitty idea. I'm not sure what it is now.

Erlich

Richard, if you're not an asshole, it creates this kind of asshole vacuum, and that void is filled by other assholes, like Jared. I mean, you almost gave him shares. You need to completely change who you are, Richard. A complete Teutonic shift has to happen.

Richard

Tectonic.

Erlich

What?

Richard

A "tectonic" shift is the earth's crust moving around. "Teutonic", which is what you just said, is an ancient Germanic tribe that fought the Romans. They were originally from Scandinavia...

Erlich

Stop it! Stop it. You're being a complete tool right now. I need you to be a complete asshole.

Richard

Since when do we have an intern program?

Erlich

We don’t. And when Keith finds that out, it’s going to be a very valuable business lesson for him.

Richard

I don't get it. Doesn't Peter Gregory want what's best for the company?

Monica

Look. I'm going to be straight with you. Peter Gregory doesn't care.

Richard

About...?

Monica

You.

Erlich

Wait. Just him or both of us?

Monica

Any of you. Pied Piper.

Richard

OK... Uh, well, then why did he back us? Does he just want to piss off Gavin Belson? He spent two hundred thousand dollars just to...

Monica

Yeah, that's nothing! Peter would spend millions just to mildly annoy Gavin. These are billionaires, Richard. Humiliating each other is worth more to them than we'll make in a lifetime.