It was pretty boring, actually.
Oh, yeah. I learned a lot.
The people in there are pretty fucked up, definitely need to quit drinking.
And I learned, uh... a lot of new clichés. One day at a time.
This too shall pass. Keep it simple. Do the next right thing. Let go, let God.
They're big on clichés in AA.
It doesn't mean they're not true. So... can I take you to a meeting?
Hey, you're going to meetings now?
No. I just said I'd take you to one.
[Referring to cardboard substituting a vehicle window] Never got that fixed, huh?
[Sighs] Been meaning to take care of it. Come on. I'll give you a lift.
MNMale nurse
Cough, please.
MIMedical insurance accountant
Insurance?
MNMale nurse
Cough again.
MIMedical insurance accountant
Fortunately, the hospital offers several payment plans to help you take care of your bill.
Can I get some more of this cherry Jell-O? It's delicious.
MIMedical insurance accountant
You can handle it in two or three easy monthly payments.
[Female nurse walks away] Hey. Some mashed potatoes. Maybe a little pudding. How much? What's that for?
MNMale nurse
Time to take out your Foley. Okay, sir, it looks like it's gonna be... hold on, I forgot the respiratory therapist. Okay, here we go.
MIMedical insurance accountant
No wait, pharmacy. It's not a completely accurate number, but for 30 days of ICU care, six CTs, four MRIs, urology, proctology, dermatology, skilled nursing, nutritionist, labs, pharmacy...
MNMale nurse
Take a deep breath.
MIMedical insurance accountant
Should be a little less than 150,000.
Dollars? [Nurse pulls out ureteral tube] Oh! Fucking mother of Satan!
Aah! What the fuck's the matter with you?! 100 grand?! Where are my fucking clothes?! [Starts getting out of bed]
MNMale nurse
Sir, you need to stay where you are.
I am not paying you a fucking cent!
MNMale nurse
That's not a good idea, sir. You need to stay for a few more days. You've been inactive for a month. Your muscles will have atrophied.
[Gets out of bed and starts walking] Where are my fucking clothes?! [Falls down face flat]
I wanted to catch a movie tomorrow, and he's having dinner with a friend.
Oh, well... nothing to be worried about there.
Yeah. I don't know. He was acting kind of weird.
I don't know, it's just a feeling, like maybe he wasn't telling the truth. You gotta trust those instincts.
Met this guy online, started dating him for months. Turns out he was married and he had kids. I mean, can you believe that shit?
I stalked him on Valentine's Day when he bailed on me, gave me some sh*t about his mother having a stroke.
Turns out he was living this whole other life.
Kicked his ass. I got him into bed, I tied him up, and I super glued his dick to his leg and I wrote "lying slut" on his chest with a Sharpie. [Ian laughs] And let me tell you something. That shit doesn't come off.
He must have been pretty pissed.
Oh, he called me a couple months later, told me he'd gotten a divorce.
Yeah? You ever see him again?
That was Joe. I guess he really liked my spirit.
[Frank wheels himself into The Alibi Room]
My liver's been on vacation, and I got a month's worth of drinking to catch up on.
Where the hell you been?!
Hospital. They pulled me out of the lake. Must have fallen in drunk after the wedding and washed into Lake Michigan.
We thought you were dead.
Nope. I'm indestructible. The doc said the cold would've killed a lesser man. But not the Frank.
Why are you in a wheelchair?
Temporary setback. Atrophy. I was in a coma. Can I get a beer? Hospital said nobody came looking for me. I guess you lowlifes assumed I was on a bender after unloading my oldest on that fucking junkie. [Starts having flashbacks of Kevin, Veronica and Svetlana staring into the vehicle trunk from his viewpoint]
[Kicks Frank lying on kitchen floor] Hey. Why aren't I circumcised?
Now I have to get it done.
[Groans] Why the hell would you want to do that?
It's better not to be circumcised. More feeling in the old puppy when you don't get its tail bobbed. Self-lubricating too. Hey. Be a champ. Go get my wheelchair in the yard.
I am. I didn't have much say in the matter. I was only hours old when they cut into my manhood.
I cried like a baby. Anyone try to find me when I was in the ICU for the last month?
We were kind of hoping you were dead.
Yeah, Domino's guy said it was already paid for, so we're trying to eat it all before he figures out he delivered it to the wrong place.
Right place. I put it on my credit card.
It just doesn't have my name on it. Oh, shit. Frank's alive?
[Grunts] Will somebody... anybody... please get my fucking wheelchair?!
Six new onesies, three new pairs of shoes, and a Diaper Genie. Got a little something special for Mommy too.
Hey, anybody know who she belongs to? I found her outside.
Jolayemi? Hi, I'm Debbie.
Who the hell is Jolayemi?
Jolayemi stays up with Franny so I can have a good night's sleep and be refreshed in the morning.
Mm, where'd you get the money for a night nurse?
I started an online business.
[Fiona hears thumping upstairs]
Frank's back? Since when?
Uh, yes. Franny. Francis. She's a joy, but not a great sleeper.
JJolayemi
Does she sleep in your bed?
Sometimes, you know? I'm really careful.
[Fiona starts dragging Frank down stairs] Stop... stop it! I did you a fucking favor getting rid of that junkie!
I keep a pillow between us so that I don't smother her or anything.
It's much easier when I'm really tired to have Franny in bed with me so that I just can just roll over and feed her.
At the hands of that lying junkie! Stop it! No! [Fiona drag Frank to front door and he grabs onto wall corner and then loses grip] Stop! Fuck! I am a truth-teller! But you're too weak to... [Fiona sends Frank rolling down steps] ...aah!
Coming! Took a little longer to get ready!
[Comes down stairs wearing nothing but a stuffed pink elephant over crotch] Ready for our family meeting.
This is about family finances.
Svetlana's been going over our bills and income from the bar.
Sit. Sit! We need to increase our revenues and improve our P&L immediately! You have no life insurance, 401ks, 529s, you have no balance sheet, no income or cash flow forecast! Our yield on gross revenues are shit!
I'm sorry, are- are we seriously not gonna have sex? 'Cause I kinda took a Viagra.
I thought you were living at Caleb's?
Caleb's sleeping with a chick.
No dude is bi, all right? You lick dick, you're supposed to be gay.
Haven't decided yet. Probably. God, I can't believe he's licking vag, too.
All right, can you guys please stop talking about licking vag? You're gonna give me a boner.
You sleep at all last night?
No, if I wake up with morning wood, it'll pop my stitches.
You're 16. How are you gonna not get wood for 72 hours?
Eyes on the prize, my brother.
The chick who made you cut your dick? Yeah, man, no girl's worth that.
She didn't make me. I wanted to. You guys just don't understand true love.
...
I'll draw you a Venn diagram to explain that, too.
...
Get a restraining order on his ass.
That would mean that I cared. And I don't anymore.
Aren't you angry with him about destroying your future?
Did me a favor. Come on, help me bring his crap downstairs.
Good morning, my wasted sperms.
Frank, you're walking. In a weird way, but you're walking.
Why don't you go away, Frank?
Is that any way to greet your soon to be ex-father?
Ex-father? We would be so lucky.
Filling out the paperwork to disinherit you abortion-should-have-beens.
Disinherit? Wow. So we don't get that jelly jar?
Or the three pieces of silverware you stole from the Ramada Inn?
Or the shame and the embarrassment?
Go ahead, joke all you like. But once my parental rights are terminated, you can no longer use the Gallagher family name.
Hallelujah! I'm just gonna be like Cher and go by Fiona. Here's your shit. I'm taking my room back. And I'm padlocking the house. [Takes toast from Frank] Aw, you made me toast. Thanks.
...
Well, look who it is... Beauty and the Beast. I'll leave it to you two to figure out who's who.
Too bad you're walking again, Frank. I was praying for permanent paralysis.
Where'd you get the stroller, Debs? The only thing Monica and I could afford to stroll you guys around in was a Kroger shopping cart.
Hey, give me that! It's not yours.
Well, apparently it's not yours either. Uh, Maureen Wilson. Looks like you already cleaned out the cash, Little Orphan Angry, so, uh... I'll take the platinum.
You can't do that, Frank!
Should I call Ms. Wilson, let her know you found it?
Fine, take it. Careful, Liam. I used to think Frank would be a real dad someday, too.
You and that little spic you sneezed out of the cavern you called your uterus better start looking for a new last name. I'm disinheriting both of you and taking back the Gallagher name.
Gladly. And while I'm at it, Franny's gonna go by her middle name from now on... Harriet. Harry. So she has no more connection to you.
Harry! Well, that's a perfect name for the diesel dike she's gonna grow up to be someday. Come on, kid. We got work to do.
You got restaurant experience?
AApplicant
I've been waiting tables since I was 13.
Are you working right now?
AApplicant
The place I was at, Pelloni's, closed down. Uh, it's being turned into a Urban Outfitters. The owner here wanted to close this place down, too, but she's giving me a shit to turn it around.
Sounds cool. That is just the kind of enthusiasm that I'm looking for. When can you start?
AApplicant
As soon as you want me to.
That's great. It's minimum wage, plus shared tips. See you tomorrow at noon for training.
AApplicant
Thank you so much, Miss Gallagher.
OOlga
You can't fire me. I'm the only woman of color, and I will sue your ass.
DDidi
Excuse me, where's the manager? Hi, I saw your "help wanted" sign.
You're hired. Come back tomorrow at noon for training.
CCaleb
Yo. How come you didn't come home last night or answer my texts?
CCaleb
Care to elaborate?
I don't know, ask Denise.
CCaleb
Is that what this is about?! My high school girlfriend?!
Your high school girlfriend who you fuck!
CCaleb
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you talking about?!
I saw you with her last night!
CCaleb
You're spying on me?!
Yeah, 'cause I knew you'd been cheating on me!
CCaleb
I wasn't cheating!
So you didn't fuck Denise, then?!
CCaleb
Cheating would be if I sucked some guy's cock, all right?!
So you didn't sleep with her?!
CCaleb
I didn't say that!
CCaleb
How do you think I feel?! You're the one calling me a cheater!
You still haven't answered the question! Did you or did you not fuck Denise?!
CCaleb
What's the big deal?! What's the big deal?! She's an old friend!
CCaleb
We've been sleeping together since we were kids! Don't make this into something more than it is!
You're taking your dick, you're putting it into a vagina! And you're telling me you've never done that before?!
CCaleb
No, I haven't! I'm gay!
So am I! Sticking my dick in a friend's vagina doesn't make me not gay! Are you hearing this, Raul?!
CCaleb
This is why I didn't want to tell you... Because I didn't want you freaking out the way you are right now!
Oh, gee, sorry! Hey, how should I react when you say you've been screwing a woman?!
CCaleb
I don't know! Maybe by being more accepting of your partner's normal, sexually fluid experiences, maybe by sharing some of your own!
I don't have anything to share! I'm gay, all right?! 100% gay!
CCaleb
No one's 100% anything!
Yeah, well, I am, all right?! So now this inexperienced vagina-fuck has got to get to work!
[Lip and Fiona are walking to house from opposite directions]
I know you are, but what am I?
...
JJolayemi
Come on, Harriet. Sleeping time.
Pfft. Is she still scared of me?
Well, she did watch you bounce Frank's head down a flight of stairs.
How do you say "he had it coming" in Nigerian? What are you doing up?
Caleb won't stop drunk-texting me. Begging forgiveness? Begging, then name-calling, then begging some more. Nice sex-hair.
Ah, Tinder rocks. Free sex, any time I want it. No strings attached.
Yeah, but you're female. Isn't that always available to you?
Maybe. But Tinder makes it simple. No confusion. No misguided weddings. Now I just bone and go so I can save my energy for more important things.
Patsy's Pies? Sure you want to be directing all your freed up energy there?
You're one to talk. You spend all day working for free.
Has a point. But my bullshit internship is gonna turn into a non-bullshit career. What? It was no offense.
Are you sure about that? Working for free is called slave labor last time I checked.
SDr. Sachs
You burst your stitches again?
What the hell did you do to me?
PPatient
Excuse me, but he has his finger up my ass.
SDr. Sachs
Take a seat in the waiting room. I'll be with you in a minute.
SDr. Sachs
Jesus. I didn't give him gonorrhea. I gave him a circumcision.
PPatient
He's a little old for that, isn't he?!
SDr. Sachs
That's what I said!
All right. I've seen TV. I know how you can get infections from these surgeries.
SDr. Sachs
Why do you think you have gonorrhea? You have swollen glands? A discharge?
No, but my girlfriend has it, and her dad wants to kill me, and the dude's a cop!
SDr. Sachs
Okay. First things first. Let's run a test. Hop up on the table. [Holds up a swabber with Carl opening his mouth]That's not the hole it goes in. Whenever you consider not using a condom, remember this pain.
