Shameless · Season 1
Aah! This hurts so much! Queenie! Aah!
Hey. Are you all right?
I think I felt something. [Groans] Like a cramp.
Did it hurt?
[Groans] I'm not due for another week.
Mother nature knows no clock. Orgasms can induce. I'm surprised the baby didn't pop out days ago, the way you've been strumming your guitar.
A- am I in labor? Is the baby coming?
No, just relax. Not for a while, okay? But still, I think we should go.
Go where?
To the birthing tent.
[Walking through heroin grow-op] Oh. [Laughs softly] What a beautiful day to grow poppies. [To Chuckie with facial scratch marks] Whoo-hoo! You're lucky that cat couldn't aim for shit. Careful, once cougars get a taste, they come back for more. [To woman watering] Not too much, Moon.
Frank. You're supposed to be working compost.
You spend the day in a steaming pile of excrement. I'll be in here with the opium.
I run the warehouse.
I thought we share everything on the commune. Opium, compost, Queenie. Except when it comes to orgasms. Those Queenie only shares with me. Do you want some constructive criticism?
No.
You put Queenie to sleep. There's no rhythm. Your penis is like a sexual lullaby. You got to treat a woman like a poppy. Know when to be gentle, and when to be rough. Give 'em what they need, you'll have the best high you ever had.
[Comes down stairs to find Veronica and Svetlana asleep on couch] What's with the slumber party?
Oh. The babies awake?
Not yet. You didn't come to bed.
Oh, we were celebrating, and I fell asleep.
Celebrating what?
I get divorce. Woot woot!
The papers came through. Lana is single.
Mm!
Lana?
Yes, what V calls me.
What, you have a pet name for her?
It helps sell it.
Sell what?
Our loving dyke. [Svetlana grabs Veronica's breast with both laughing]
No. No, no, no, no, no. We dropped the whole marriage idea.
You drop.
I'm not talking to you. V, marriage is a sacred institution.
It's just for immigration.
You're talking about being married to another person.
You are.
Yeah, okay, so? But- look, you and I aren't married on paper, right? But that doesn't change how I feel.
Me neither. It's not a big deal.
Give blessing. Is least you can do.
Hey, you the one who outed her to the INS. Stop ganging up on me. There are other options besides marriage.
What? Immigration is gonna put her back on the next boat to Moscow.
I'll figure it out.
No time.
I'll fix it by the end of the day, okay? Just... no more pet names.
It's in here somewhere.
I didn't think your wedding was gonna become an annual tradition like Thanksgiving.
I asked Lip and Ian to walk me down the aisle.
The ink's barely dry on your divorce.
Why are you giving me a hard time?
I love you, but if you're gonna change your mind, do it before I shell out the money for your bachelorette party tonight.
I'm not changing my mind. And it wasn't my idea to have it this early. Look, I am not showing up to your wedding all bloated and looking like shit.
I need time to recuperate.
Uh, weeks?
I plan on drinking a lot.
[Gasps] I found it.
Where did Monica get the bread for a wedding dress?
This was back when her parents had a little money. And they approved of the first wedding.
First?
She married Frank twice. First time only lasted a week. She locked him in the trunk of the car. Left him in the Kmart parking lot for days.
[Walks up to a tent standing outside] Debs, we never talked baby names. What do you think about naming her after your great-grandmother? She was a vicious cunt, but "Rose Gallagher" has a- a ring to it, don't you think?
What are you doing, Frank?
Checking on my daughter.
Oh, she's not in there. We took her to the birthing tent.
Debs is in labor?
Well, maybe. But if she is, the baby won't come for a day or two.
[Scoffs] It's none of my business. She's made that abundantly clear. She's not sleeping, eating, showering. I wish she'd let one of you just hold the baby.
Well, maybe she's got that postpartum thing. You know, when girls go feral in corners and gouge anyone's eyes out who gets too close.
What're those, uh, things called that guys wear at weddings. The flower things?
Uh, yeah, boutonnieres.
Lip and Ian get 'em, right?
Yeah.
I gotta meet with the florist, figure out what I'm orderin'.
If they're walking you down the aisle, they get 'em.
Uh, and ushers, groomsmen...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, my daughter will be accompanied by her father as she ambles to the altar.
Her who? Oh, you mean that deadbeat that consistently fails to take care of his family?
I may not have been present for your first steps or your first lost tooth or your first blow job, but as patriarch, I'm entitled to my traditional place of honor next to you for your big day.
Then it's my traditional right to ask said patriarch to pay for it.
Done.
What?
Done. I'll pay. In money. Cash. Dinero. Greenbacks.
Well, you know, if you're catching up on, uh, Dad shit, you can cover my tuition. Teach me how to ride a bike. I never had a sweet sixteen. Could throw me one after the wedding.
[Soliciting outside grocery store] Don't let the death of an orphaned African child be on your conscience this holiday season. $20 buys him food for a day. Thank you. Thank you so much. His parents were mauled by vicious rebels. He has AIDS. Please, give money. Yeah, save that 20 for a bag of Peruvian mangoes. Tropical fruit is more important than a dying orphan. Keep shivering. That's really great. His immune system is breaking down. We need money for doctors. Oh, you have no money? And you're going into a grocery store? Interesting. Don't let the death of an orphaned African child be on your conscience this holiday season. $20 buys him food for a day. Thank you. Thank you so much.
And then she picked up my babies, one on each hip, and she whispered into their ears and they both stopped crying immediately, and I was like, "Damn. This crazy Russian is magical." I knew then that I wanted her in my life forever.
And, Mrs. Fisher, when did you first realize you were in love with Mrs. Fisher?
Oh, first time I saw her. We were in bar where we work. This thing happened... [speaks Russian]. It's when your eyes, they climb onto your head. This happened to me.
Well, your individual interview answers line up for the most part and your joint interview has been shockingly credible. I've been at this job eight years. Never seen a setup quite like this.
So did we pass?
Well, I don't buy a word of it, but so far I don't have any evidence to the contrary. I'll review your documents, follow through with family and friends. I'll make a few more follow-up visits. Can't wait to see how far you ladies take this.
Can't bring a crying baby to class.
Oh, can I at least pick up my assignments?
You need to talk to the counselor and figure out how to continue your studies at home.
Well, I want to finish school, so let me learn.
Okay, here's a lesson: use condoms.
You're not falling for Frank's "father of the bride" shtick, are ya?
Nothing to fall for.
Well, from here, it looks like ya might be.
I'm not letting him in. I'm letting him pay. There's a big difference.
Just don't want you to be disappointed again.
[Laughs] Frank has let me down my entire life. This will be no different. I just wanna watch him fake like he's a human for a while. For fun.
Yeah, fun. Whoo-hoo.
Ok, let's make a bet. How long till Frank bails? I give it two days.
One. If that.
If I win, you have to go down on me every night for a week.
Hmm. And if you lose?
Same deal.
You drive a hard bargain, Gallagher.
Hey, bean. Cinnamon waffles?
We have an iron?
Mm-hmm. Uh, you need me to iron a shirt for you?
I got it. Ironing board? [Fiona points to iron board on stairs and Carl brings it down]
[Carl is trying to figure out how to unfold it] It's the little lever thing. [Carl unfolds in one motion and sets it down] Shh. Gah, baby's sleeping. Debs was up with her all night. And I really don't mind doing it.
No, it's fine. I have to learn to do it for myself, right? Do my part.
Are you wearing cologne?
Aftershave. Good for razor burn. Is there any wedding stuff going on tonight?
Uh, nope. You're in the clear till tomorrow. Why?
Gonna watch the DePaul game with Luther tonight.
Luther?
Dominique's dad.
Girlfriend's father, huh? Sounds like it's getting serious.
Definitely.
You get really serious, you know to use protection, right? Condoms? No matter what. We don't need any more accidents around here.
[Comes down stairs] Huh, oh, you mean accidents like Franny.
Franny still asleep?
No, I left her up there screaming, hungry, wallowing in a dirty diaper to suffer.
Good morning, sir.
Carl.
I'm here to pick Dominique up for school. May I come in?
No. Dom. Your white boy's here.
I decided to take up on your advice and help more around the house. I ironed my own shirt this morning. Nice gun, sir. Cross draw. Sig Sauer 226?
You know your guns.
Thank you, sir.
Wasn't a compliment, son. Dominique.
I'm excited about watching the game with you tonight, sir.
You what?
Yeah.
[Frank approaches Bruno busy using a forklift at his workplace]
Hey. Bruno. It's me, Frank. From the El. I got the rest.
Rest of what?
The... the rest of the money for you to take care of that thing? You know? The thing we talked about on the train? The other night?
What?
I gave you a thousand down. I've got the extra thousand for when you do the thing. Oh, and look. I've got, um... I've got these. These are, uh... These are... Will you... Will you just hold on? Bruno, wait. Bruno, hold up. Wait. Will you fucking wait? Wait, stop. Okay, I got, um, gift cards. They're good as gold. Untraceable. I was hoping we could, uh, maybe speed things up a little bit? Do it today?
Sorry, pal. I don't know you.
You what? We have a deal.
A deal for what?
D... p... fucking ki... For you to kill my daughter's asshole of a fiancé, fuck.
Killing someone. Wow. Pretty sure that would be illegal.
What, are you trying to rip me off?
I already did, you moron.
[Gets up in Bruno's face] You picked the wrong guy to fuck with, asshole.
You go to the cops. Tell 'em you tried to arrange a hit on your daughter's fiancé, day before the wedding, but you got ripped off. See how that goes. [Pushes Frank off and drives away]
[To Fiona] So we still doing wedding errands today? Flowers, manicures...
Yes.
Something borrowed, something blue?
Yes.
All right, I'm gonna go get dressed.
It's a brave new world, Fiona.
[Lip exits police station to find Clyde waiting for him]
Nice ghetto job on the windows.
Yeah, some drunk asshole smashed them with a tire iron.
Must have been pretty drunk.
Must have been.
You bail me out?
Against my better judgment, yeah.
I thought they, uh, screwed up the paperwork, made a mistake.
May have been a mistake.
Too early to know for sure.
You need help. I know a place. Not fancy, but they get the job done.
Rehab?
You're a drunk. Believe me, I know whereof I speak.
Look, I got to go to class.
You're joking, right?
Well, classical mechanics. Frankel.
You took a swing at a campus cop. Believe me, you're as good as expelled.
Oh, fuck 'em. I was sick of it anyway.
Sure. fuck 'em. Of course. You've got a problem, Lip. It's time to grow up and deal with it.
That's kind of strange coming from you. You know, kettle, pot, black, all that.
I've been in and out five times.
Well, it doesn't say much for the whole rehab thing, does it?
I had two doctorates. I had two kids and tenure before I started drinking. You're 22. Look, you go, you work the steps. I'll see what I can do about getting you a job in the field when you get out. Come on, get in. I'll drive you over there.
My sister's getting married tomorrow.
Congratulations.
I don't want to miss it.
Right.
Hey, can I get a ride to the El?
No.
And show up for your court appearance.
I can't afford to forfeit the bail.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Shameless pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
