Shameless quotes

Lip

Nice jacket Kash bought you.

Ian

Thanks.

Mandy

Yeah. Tell Kash I'll take it in the ass if it gets me free stuff.

[Approaches] Hey, yeah, I'm talking to you.

Lip

Yeah?

You got a phone?

Lip

What, your truck break down?

No, genius, I like standing in a shitty neighborhood with my dick in my hands. I'm already two hours late on this load. I try to take one shortcut, this is what I get. My goddamn kid drained my phone playing "Doodle Jump." My goddamn wife took my charger. I'll give you 5 bucks if you let me use your phone. Just one call.

Lip

Oh, we don't have a phone. Our dad says not till we're 18. Um, but you know what? There's a bar, I think, about 10 blocks that way. What's it called? Uh, O'Flaherty's. O'Flaherty's. Tell them your family's from County Cork.

Ten blocks?

Lip

Maybe five. Straight shot.

This is yours if you keep an eye on the truck.

Lip

Five bucks?

Ian

Oh, cool. Thanks, mister.

Hey, hey. Make sure no one gets near it.

Lip

Will do. [Whips out cellphone] Yo, Kev. Forty-third and Halsted. Bring a crowbar.

Frank

You buy watches?

Buy, trade.

Frank

I need cash.

Twenty years with the ITC. Sure you wanna part with this, Eddie?

Frank

That's 24-karat gold. Best there is. Test it, you'll see. [Pawn appraiser walks to back of store]

Damn Palestinians, huh? It's like they come out of the womb wearing a suicide vest, am I right, ha, ha? You ask me, we should just give you guys the green light, take them all out. I believe in a two-state solution. Don't know why you yids get such a bad rap... for being greedy, controlling the media... circumcision making everyone get their dicks cut. Killing our Lord and Savior? Everyone knows that was Pontius Pilate, not you.

$35.

Frank

$250.

$35.

Frank

The hell? Ugh. You're supposed to negotiate! The phrase "Jew me down" only works if you take the fair price I start with and you slowly Jew me down to an unacceptable number. You can't bottom-line some rip-off from the get-go. Now give me a number.

$35. And my ancestors and I take full credit for crucifying that Christ putz.

Frank

[He leaves store and shouts generally] Mel Gibson was right!

Fiona

Bills. From our creditors. You've been buying stuff using our names?

Fiona

Do you know how much debt your kids are in?

Fiona

Plus interest.

Fiona

[Fiona walks over the the bar's TV] Is that a new flat-screen?

Smashed the first one when he was on crystal microdot.

Fiona

Never use their names again. [She leaves]

Frank

You're a liberal.

[Showing her husband the security tape] Does anything look different to you?

No.

You don't see the camera? It's like it moved just a little bit. There.

Register matches inventory.

Yeah, you're right. I should probably shut it off. But then I'd miss the part where you take it up the ass from a teenage boy. Here it is. Billy Elliot cornholing the father of my children. Must be big, judging from the grimace on your face. [Kash turns off TV] What? We were just getting to the climax. Literally. [Ian enters store]

Ian

Linda, I just got your message. What's up? [Linda walks over to Ian and punches him in the face]

That's for screwing my husband.

What are you gonna tell the kids?

I'm not.

What about my mom?

You bastard. What about me?

Do you want me to go?

Where does that leave me? Starting over? I'm a white Muslim. I want another baby.

What?

I get what I want, and you can have what you want. Behind closed doors. I don't wanna be the laughing stock of the mosque. But no touching the forbidden fruit until I'm knocked up. We clear?

Ian

I'm sorry.

You're not fired. My opinion? You could do better.

I don't think he's gonna wake up.

Mr. Gallagher? Mr. Gallagher?

Frank

What the bejesus?

Sorry. We tried smelling salts, caffeine injections, ice baths.

Frank

Where am I?

In the hospital.

You've been unconscious for two days with alcohol poisoning.

Frank

Ah, that's nothing. Back in '95, I was out for eight days.

Wait, wait. Hold on a second. I'm Dr. Seery. These are my residents. We have a proposition for you.

Frank

You're hot, but it's been awhile since I've been with a dude. Never mind two.

You've misunderstood. Uh, we'd like you to participate in our medical study.

Frank

Your what?

In my career, I've never seen such a spectacular display of alcoholism.

Frank

Thank you.

Would you abstain from alcohol for two weeks?

Frank

No.

We could offer you $3000.

Frank

Yes.

Lip

Guys, don't get too used to this, okay?

Debbie

What?

Lip

Well, Dad's not always gonna be so nice.

Carl

Yes, he will.

Lip

No. Not when he starts drinking again, okay? He'll go back to his ways. I don't want you getting hurt.

Debbie

Hurt?

Lip

Yeah, um... Remember that turtle you had last summer?

Debbie

Walter?

Lip

Yeah, yeah, Walter. And you guys were really, really into him for like two weeks, and you talked to him and you fed him. I mean, you took him everywhere with you, right? But after a while, you know, you guys got busy with other things, so Walter's water never got changed and nobody fed him. Then like two months later, Debs, you wanted to show off Walter to your friend Susie, and you guys started looking for him and when you found him, he was all dried up and dead. Now, you see, you guys are that turtle, okay? And Dad's you. You get what I'm saying?

Carl

Dad's buying us another turtle?

Lip

No. No, no. Forget it. Never mind.

Debbie

Don't worry, Lip, I get it. Daddy's gonna forget about us when he starts drinking again. It's okay. I don't mind. I'm gonna enjoy this while it lasts if that's okay.

Lip

Yeah. Sure, Debs. That's, um... That's a good plan. It took you long enough.

Debbie

We have to kill the turtle. Daddy and Carl are up in the attic getting ready to cut a hole in the roof for a skylight. It's time to kill the turtle.

Lip

Now, Debs, you know that you guys were the turtle in my story, right?

Debbie

Oh, right.

Lip

Hey, I'm going out. What's up?

Fiona

Hard day. Why are you so upset with Dad?

Lip

Fiona, we've, uh, been through this before. Remember? The last time Dad was sober.

Fiona

Yeah. So?

Lip

He, uh, had a bet with some guy at the bar and became the perfect dad. It was the first time he ever came to little league. And, uh, I hit a double. Fucking never saw him so proud. You knew he was gonna go back to his regular shitty self.

Fiona

No, that's, uh, the thing. I didn't know.

Karen

Fuck off.

Eddie

How'd you know it was me? I was talking to my Promisemakers group, and... I want you to know that I understand that so much of your bad behavior is my responsibility. If you leave a dog in the house alone for more than eight hours, you can't get mad at him for peeing the rug, right? I found this... in an album in the basement. I don't know... maybe we can try to... capture more moments like these together.

Is that gonna be a problem, getting Monica to sign?

Frank

No. Why- why would it be a problem?

If memory serves, she was a summa cum laude cunt.

Sheila

Well, sometimes, sweetie, when people are in love, they don't tell someone everything for a reason.

Debbie

That's like lying.

Sheila

No, sweetie, it's just... it's a little editing.

Ian

What did I miss with Mom?

Lip

You know how Dad's a total fucking asshole?

Ian

Yeah.

Lip

Turns out he's the good one.

Fiona

This is about you. This is about what you didn’t do. This is about what I did. And you know what? I did a fucking great job. Debbie’s class president. She’s on the debate team, going on nationals. And Lip, he’s top of his class. He’s set the curve. Ian got promoted on ROTC and he tested out of English. And Carl made something blow up for his science fair. And you know what? They did it all, no thanks to you, because you weren’t here.

Ian

It's kind of hard to explain.

Lip

Try me.

Ian

Mickey's gay and we're doing it. And Kash shot Mickey because of me. Mickey would rather go to juvie than admit he's gay. So I'm doing both Kash and Mickey. Well, not so much Kash lately. When Kash and me were hot and heavy, Linda found out about it and is blackmailing Kash into have another kid.

Lip

Holy shit.

Ian

Yeah.