TV show quotes
Went to see a lawyer. It turns out I can't afford to live somewhere else and support you two. [Glances at Frank] Three.
Why can't you stay with Uncle Ray?
He's got gangrene. You ever smell a rotting foot? Hey. Why don't you get me a refill there, huh, Karen, honey?
What, did you lose your fucking legs?
Yeah, that's your teenage, diseased mind talking. You know, you tasted penii, and now you're just crazy.
[He steps into shower] Oh, shit! That's cold! What the hell? Veronica! There's no hot water.
What?
[Notices toys and towels left by Carl] Fucking Gallaghers!
...
Well, look at you, just letting yourself into people's houses.
Tall grande latte, two shots.
Sugar?
Absolutely. Kids home?
Mm... Boys're out getting a water heater, Debbie's at the park, Carl's out looking for small defenseless pets to torture, and Liam's down for a nap. So... No. I'm up to my ass in housework.
That's why I'm taking you to a long, deep, leisurely lunch.
Lunch?
It's a euphemism.
How quaint.
Or, would you like a Demon dog and a quick fuck over at the Sheridan?
Liam?
Get a sitter.
Costs too much.
How much?
At least 50 bucks.
You're not paying me to fuck you.
No, I couldn't pay you enough.
[They hear a distant thud]
Did you hear that?
No.
You didn't hear that? You trying to change the subject?
[Thudding]
Liam?
He's too lazy to get out of his crib... He just yells.
[Thudding]
You stay with Liam.
Wait, wait, wait... You take the baby, I'll take the bat.
Debbie! Jesus! Thought you went to the park.
I... came back.
Are you okay?
Katie Crasden's having a party.
Katie Crasden?
Two streets over.
And she... didn't invite you?
She's only three. What happened?
Well, I was just walking past, and her dad, he...
Her dad did what?
He was laughing and playing with them, and it just... It wasn't fair.
What wasn't fair? What?
Everything. So I, I, um... I stole something.
Oh... [Breathes sigh of relief] So nobody touched you?
What?
You nearly gave me a heart attack.
[Fiona and Steve glance in Debbie's room and see Katie Crasden's brother Casey in his kiddie chair]
[Police cruisers pull up Casey Casden's family house]
Oh, here we go! No traffic tickets to issue today? No one to pull over for swinging wide on a left-hand turn? Or is this a supportive "friend party" for a cop who shot some poor fucker wasn't even armed?! Leave the people around here alone. They're good folks!
Who are the parents? Let's go, people. Out of the way. Your child's missing?
[Bullhorn] We're looking for a missing boy named Casey. Last seen wearing a Superman costume. Two years old. Any information would be greatly appreciated. No questions asked.
Why the fuck wouldn't we ask questions?
Because we want people to feel safe.
How do you find out what happened if you don't ask questions? You understand the premise, right?
People feel safe, they give information, we find the kid.
Safe, my ass. I'm asking questions. Okay, yeah. I'm gonna ask fucking questions.
That's what you do. Go ahead. Yeah, sure. You do what you want to do. [Bullhorn] Casey Casden, last seen wearing a Superman costume.
When I was a kid, we could go to a birthday party and our parents wouldn't worry that we were gonna get stolen out of the front yard by some perv. That's when America had values. Before Wal-Mart and Dukakis, peanut butter and jelly in one jar. [To an officer] You know, you're too young to remember this, but there was a time when policemen were respected, when young men wanted to fight for their country. When you could go vote twice for Mayor Daley, down at the 11th Ward. Before some liberal pricks elected a Muslim who isn't even American?
Wasn't he drunk when he proposed?
Oh, yeah. It was like that David Hasselhoff video, eating a cheeseburger.
I never saw that.
Oh, you gotta YouTube it. It's like a car wreck... you can't not watch.
What's that smell? It's either vomit or fancy cheese.
It can be both if you want.
Have you ever done a testicular self-examination?
Oh, God, no. I say leave those three bad boys down there alone.
Yeah, well, that's the problem. Should only be two testicles invited to this party.
Just knowing your tits are trying to kill you... that's gotta suck. I mean, mine's in my balls. So they've got a reason to be pissed. Tucked between two legs, wedged right near your asshole. There's no good way to sit. No underwear that's been devised to hold 'em effectively in place. They're a bizarre appendage. An afterthought. Which is why I don't believe in intelligent design. There is no God. We're all gonna die.
[Referring to Veronica's brother Marty who was just discharged from prison]
Is he retarded?
I wish. Tourette's coupled with bipolar disorder and a drinking problem. He's a shrink's wet dream.
[Fiona bursts into Alibi Room to confront Frank]
Jesus, Frank! Two assholes busted into our house looking for you and some car?
Did they follow you here? Where is it? I was invited to participate in a business venture.
What did you do with the money?
That's just it! I wasn't given any money up front! I was simply promised that money would be shared with me once an insurance claim was... was settled.
Has that promise been delivered upon?
No. No, it has not.
I warned you, Frank. [To Kevin] You knew about this and you didn't tell me?
Fi, I don't have the time to call you every time Frank has a bad idea.
I'll talk to them.
Oh, yeah? And say what? "Hey guys, sorry I forgot to light the car on fire."
I was not doing the igniting. I was just doing the "park in a remote location." Unfortunately, I had to make a pit stop, and when I got back, the car was gone.
You're gonna take care of this. Now.
Could go to Jersey for a while. Stay with you. Great Uncle George.
No. You're staying here, and you're gonna take care of this car, 'cause you're also gonna be here to take care of Carl. [Presents a notice letter from school] He needs you to show up for him at Parents Night to discuss behavioral problems. [Flashback to Carl assaulting other boys]
These sound like solutions, not problems.
The school disagrees.
He's a boy. This is what boys do! When I was growing up, Joe Palazzo bit off a kid's finger.
Oh, that's got to be bullshit.
Sister Irmalita picked up the nub and wrapped it in Kleenex. She always kept her snot rag stuffed in her sleeve.
They're threatening to expel him. Well, go talk 'em out of it. They want a parent. A real parent.
Oh, I guess you're off the hook then, Frank.
I have never been threatened by teachers, and I am not going to start now. I am fed up with these pangender hermaphrodites who hate that human beings are a species with two distinct genders. It's like they've declared war on testicles! They want to remove all the masculinity from the schools, fill the world with yogurt-eaters. Well, do your research! We're all descendents of barbarians, and the sooner we face it, the sooner we'll have a civilization worth celebrating. So, hell no, I won't go, 'cause no one scares Frank Gallagher!
[Two thugs enter the Alibi Room]
Oh, shit. [He runs out back door]
This is it?
This is his brother. Uh, Phillip.
Very good to see you again, sir.
Uh, Phillip is 17, I'm 21, uh, and while we may not be the legal guardians of our brother, we do supply him.
I told you I wanted to see a parent.
We just opened the letter today.
I gave Carl the letter last week.
So you're relying on a nine-year-old to deliver important correspondence?
You don't seem to have a home phone.
Carl is taken care of at home by loving siblings.
This is not up for negotiation. Your brother is on the verge of being expelled, and unfortunately, there are steps the state requires to be taken before he can be bounced, and a meeting with his legal guardian is the next step.
Please, you can't do this. I mean, he loves school.
More potential victims here, I suppose.
No, all his friends are here. Can you stop it? I'm serious. He needs more structure, we know.
What Carl needs is medication, a near-death experience, or a lobotomy.
I'm placing a call to social services. A home without a legal guardian is a home we cannot condone.
[He enters office] Hello all. Uh, sorry I was late. I got held up at the office. So, now that Fiona and I are engaged, I've filed the paperwork so that we can become the legal guardians of the children.
Do you realize Carl's report card has seven U's?
Uh, U's?
As in unsatisfactory.
But don't think of U as in unsatisfactory. Think of U as in F.
As in failed?
As in fucked. I am not a religious man, but every now and then, a child comes along who makes me believe in the existence of Satan. Now, something drastic must be done, or he's going to slip down through the cracks, right up into a clock tower with a sniper rifle.
Given our resources, he is beyond our ability to help.
It's just a phase. And... now that we're aware of it...
Too late! This Norman Rockwell display might warm the cockles of some other fool who believes no fucking child, not even the budding psychotics, should be left behind, but the fact is, the sooner Carl is put in prison, the safer this world is gonna be.
More of a Mickey Hart fan when it comes to paintings? [Referring to terrapin turtle sculptures]
What? What's that? More of a Mickey Hart fan than a Norman Rockwell fan. Mickey Hart's an all right painter for a drummer.
Could you all excuse us for a second?
For what?
If we could just take a walk and talk in private? Get a breath of fresh air?
[Carl's school principal and Steve are bonding over marijuana consumption]
No one around here really knows those terrapins are a Grateful Dead thing. The kids call 'em Mr. G's turtles. Shit, man, they don't even know who the Grateful Dead are. Ah, man. The summer of 1979. The best summer of my life. Followed the Dead around the Midwest. Supported myself selling grilled cheese in the parking lot. Yeah, they made great music. Their music blows. But their female fans, were a bunch of patchouli-soaked sluts who all wanted to ball their first black guy. I never embraced tokenism with more gusto. Those terrapins were a parting gift from this Skidmore chick who sucked me off like I had diamonds buried in the bottom of my ball sack. Whoo! Man... this is some good shit.
[School principal and teacher are bonding over marijuana consumption]
Hey, uh, uh, you ever been with a black guy?
Does rape count?
Um...
I was acquitted. [They both burst out laughing]
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