Ya know, its not fair people are seated First Come First Served, It should be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just going over there and taking some food off somebody's plate.
JerryI'll tell you what, there's 50 bucks in it for you if you do it.
Jerry
You walk over that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say anything, you eat it, say 'thank you very much', wipe your mouth, walk away- I give you 50 bucks.
Jerry
They won't do anything; in fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives.
50 bucks, you'll give me 50 bucks?
Jerry
50 bucks. That table over there, the three couples.
OK, I don't wanna go over there and do it, and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it or something...
Jerry
No, no tricks.
For 50 bucks? I'd put my face in the soup and blow.
Jerry
So what happened with Tatiana?
I shouldn't even tell you this.
Jerry
Come on...
Well, after dinner last week, she invites me back to her apartment.
Jerry
I'm with you.
Well, it's this little place with this little bathroom. It's like right there, you know, it's not even down a little hall or off in an alcove. You understand? There's no... buffer zone. So, we start to fool around, and it's the first time, and it's early in the going. And I begin to perceive this impending...intestinal requirement, whose needs are going to surpass by great lengths anything in the sexual realm. So I know I'm gonna have to stop. And as this is happening I'm thinking, even if I can somehow manage to momentarily...extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable force, I know that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that I know I'm going to need.
Jerry
This could only happen to you.
So I finally stop and say, "Tatiana, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I think it would be best if I left".
Jerry
You said this to her after.
Jerry
Oh, boy.
Jerry
Wow! So...?
So I'm dressing and she's staring up at me, struggling to compute this unprecedented turn of events. I don't know what to say to reassure this woman, and worst of all, I don't have the time to say it. The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told her I am in reality Batman, and I'm very sorry, I just saw the Bat-Signal.
Jerry
I think the busboy's in trouble.
Did I get him in trouble? Because of what I said? I just told him what happened. He didn't do it on purpose! [The manager and the busboy are arguing, The busboy points in the direction of George.] He pointed at me. Why did he point at me?
I said I would never eat here again. But, I, I.. he had to know I was kidding.
Jerry
[casually] I didn't say anything.
Jerry
Yes, a man gave you...?
A man gave me... a massage.
Jerry
So?
So he... had his hands and, uh, he was...
Jerry
He was what?!
He was... touching and rubbing.
Jerry
That's a massage.
And then I took my pants off.
Jerry
You took your pants off?
Jerry
Oh.
He got about two inches from... there.
Jerry
Really?
Jerry
Moved?
It may have moved, I don't know.
Jerry
I'm sure it didn't move.
It moved! It was imperceptible but I felt it.
Jerry
Maybe it just wanted to change positions? You know, shift to the other side.
No, no. It wasn't a shift, I've shifted, this was a move.
Jerry
Okay, so what if it moved?
That's the sign! The test; if a man makes it move.
Jerry
That's not the test. Contact is the test, if it moves as a result of contact.
You think it's contact? It has to be touched?
Jerry
That's what a gym teacher once told me.
[George enters, his pants are ripped at the knee]
Jerry
What happened to you?
One of those kids called me a Mary.
I was jumping over a puddle and for some reason I went like this. [George stretches out his arms in a ballet motion] They called me a Mary. So I chased them, and I tripped and I fell.
Yeah, you know kids, they can be very perceptive.
Oh, you're being audited? What for?
Jerry
Oh, I contributed money to a charity that turned out to be fraudulent. It's very...
Jerry
Uh, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.
I remember you donated to some volcano thing on our first date.
Jerry
Volcano? Really?
Oh, wait a minute. Don't tell me that that was ...
Jerry
Something to drink?
What did you think, that would impress me?
Jerry
You got it all wrong. I was thinking only of the poor Krakatoans.
Like you make this donation for 50 bucks and I'd start tearing my clothes off?
Jerry
Those brave Krakatoans East of Java, who sacrificed so much for so long.
Now you're being audited because of it. You see that's Karma.
Jerry
No, that's Kramer.
Jerry
Yes I called before. I got this notice in the mail.
LLibrarian
Oh, Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller, Uh, this case has been turned over to our library investigation officer Mr. Bookman.
Bookman? The library investigator's name is actually Bookman?
That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named "Cone."
BBookman
You took this book out in 1971.
Jerry
Yes, and I returned it in 1971.
BBookman
Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abbie Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella...
Jerry
Look, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that book. I remember it very specifically.
BBookman
You're a comedian, you make people laugh.
Jerry
I try.
BBookman
You think this is all a big joke, don't you?
Jerry
No, I don't.
BBookman
I saw you on TV once; I remembered your name--from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law?
Jerry
Certainly not.
BBookman
Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before: Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't he deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy: Party time is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week!
Jerry
I've had this condition since I was eleven! I've been in and out of hospitals my whole life. I have no control over it. Doctors have told me that when I feel it, the best thing to do is just release it. Otherwise, I could die.
SGSecurity Guard
Well you're still not allowed.
Jerry
Do you hear what I'm saying to you?! I'm telling you that if I don't go, I could die. Die. Is it worth dying for?
SGSecurity Guard
That's up to you.
Jerry
So you don't care if I die.
SGSecurity Guard
What I care about is the sanitary condition of the parking facility.
Jerry
It was life and death.
Jerry
Oh I'm lying. Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law.
SGSecurity Guard
I don't know.
Jerry
Because I could get Uromysitisis poisoning and die. That's why!...Do you think I enjoy living like this?...the shame, the humiliation...You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place.
Jerry
Hey, how'd you do on that IQ test?
Jerry
Oh, it's nothing.
Jerry
Why must you always be the focal point of attention? Why can't you just be? Why can't you live?
It's just a Latin phrase, George, it does not mean anything. Now, what is this IQ test?
Jerry
This woman that he's dating is making him take this IQ test for this course.
Oh, that sounds like fun!
Yeah, fun. IQ test's are totally bogus! They prove nothing!
You'll do well, you're smart.
Jerry
No, see, he's not smart. People think he's smart but he's not.
What did you get on your SAT's?
Jerry
You know, I don't even know my IQ.
Jerry
Get outta here!
Jerry
You get outta here! [Elaine laughs]
[jokingly] Maybe you should take the test for me.
Jerry
Boy, that'd be something, cheating on an IQ test. Hey, remember in college when you passed Lettick the test out the window? You became a legend after that.
Yeah. Yeah, I really has some guts back then. [Serious] Why don't we do it again?
You could take the IQ test for me. I could pass it to you out of a window. We can do it, she lives on the first floor!
Where would I take the test?
I don't know. She lives right around the corner, you could take it here or go to the coffee shop.
No, that would be too noisy.
Jerry
Take it at the Dram Cafe, you won't hear a peep.
[to Jerry] What do you think?
Jerry
Hey, I love a good caper.
Yeah, that's what it is, isn't it? A caper. Huh.
Yeah! Beautiful! [goes to high-five Elaine but misses and hits her in the head] Ooh, sorry!
[Jerry is looking out the window again and spots George below]
Jerry
Hey, Georgie!
Jerry
How'd you do on the IQ test?
Jerry
What?
[Jerry starts laughing]
Jerry
Well, well, well...
Jerry
Well, I'm no genius, but according to my calculations, he should be here in a few seconds.
Yeah, but an 85, Jerry, that's ridiculous.
Jerry
Well, maybe the test was gender biased, you know a lot of questions about hunting and testicles...
[George comes in looking angry]
[Sarcastically to Elaine] Oh, hello professor.
George, I cannot believe...
No, there's gotta be a mistake.
You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.
Jerry
But an 85?
Listen, there were too many distractions there. Babu...what ever his name was and Kramer...I couldn't concentrate.
Jerry
[Mockingly] It was a madhouse.
Jerry, it was! Let me take it again.
Oh come on, come on, I'll guarantee you 140. What do you have to lose?
No, no, come on, I guarantee it!
Ok. Now where am I gonna take it?
Jerry
Take it here, I'll leave. There will be no distractions.
Seinfeld · 352 quotes
