I can't perform under pressure. That's why I never play anything for money, I choke. I could choke tonight. And she works in my office, can you imagine? She goes around telling everyone what happened? Maybe I should cancel, I have a very bad feeling about this.
I'm sorry, we have no mid-size available at the moment, sir.
Jerry
I don't understand, I made a reservation, do you have my reservation?
AAgent
Yes, we do, unfortunately we ran out of cars.
Jerry
What? but the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
AAgent
I know why we have reservations.
Jerry
I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation. You see, it's the holding. Anybody can just take 'em.
AAgent
Would you like to purchase the renter's insurance?
Jerry
Yeah, you better give me the insurance because I'm going to beat the hell out of this thing.
Then how'd all those cars get damaged? Why are people calling me up screaming on the phone? Most of them cancelled out on me.
Jerry
Can I get anybody anything?
SSid
Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than putting on a pair of pants. My question to you is who's putting your pants on?
George I put my pants on, Sid.
SSid
I don't believe you. If you can put your pants on, you can move those cars.
No, but I can tell she's going to, I can sense it. We had this terrible phone conversation. I was so nervous before I called, I made up this whole list of things to talk about.
Uh, let's see... [pulls a piece of paper out of his coat pocket and starts reading from it] "I'm very good at going in reverse in my car". "Why isn't Postum a more popular drink?"
Jerry
[Takes the list from George and starts looking at it] Yeah, Postum is underrated.
Anyway, there was all this tension. I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner and she said "no, maybe we can get together for lunch." You know what that means.
Lunch is fine at the beginning, then you move on to dinner. You don't go back to lunch, it's like being demoted. I'll never do another crossword puzzle with her again, I know it.
I got nothing to lose! We either break-up which she would do anyways but at least I go out with some dignity, or I completely turn the tables! This is absolutely brilliant!
Unfortunately the immutable laws of physics contradict the whole premise of your account. Allow me to reconstruct this, if I may, for Miss Benes, as I've heard this story a number of times. Newman, Kramer, if you'll indulge me. According to your story, Keith passes you and starts walking up the ramp. Then you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple, striking Newman between the third and fourth rib. The spit then came off the rib, turned and hit Newman in the right wrist, causing him to drop his baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, pauses in mid-air, mind you, makes a left turn, and lands on Newman's left thigh. Now that is one magic loogie!
...
Jerry
I'm saying that the spit could not have come from behind, that there had to have been a second spitter, behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the spitter was behind you as you claim, that would've caused your head to pitch forward.
Seinfeld · 352 quotes
Jerry
