Cosmo Kramer quotes from Seinfeld

Kramer

Listen to the bell, Grossbard. It tolls for thee.

Kramer

Boxers! How do you wear these things? Look at that, they're bagging up, they're rising here, and there's nothing holding me in place. I'm flippin'! I'm floppin'!

Kramer

I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. My boys need a house!

Kramer

[about dating a gymnast] Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of.

Kramer

Oh, by the way, tomorrow night Paul O'Neill has to catch a fly ball in his hat.

Kramer

Bugger!

Kramer

Double bugger!

Kramer

A month in Europe with Elaine? That guy's coming home in a body bag.

Jerry

[while playing Scrabble] "Quone"?

Helen

...30...31...

Jerry

"Quone"? No, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to challenge that.

Helen

...32...

Kramer

No, you don't have to challenge that. That's a word. That's a definite word.

Jerry

I am challenging.

Kramer

Quone. To quone something.

Jerry

Uh-huh.

Helen

I'm not playing with you anymore.

Morty

Quone's not a word.

Jerry

[showing the dictionary] No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off.

Helen

[to Kramer] Why did you make me put that down?

Kramer

Nah, we need a medical dictionary! If a patient gets difficult, you quone him.

Kramer

[Realizing that the robbery was his fault] Look, Jerry, I'm sorry, I'm uh, you have insurance, right buddy?

Jerry

No.

Kramer

[Staggers in shock] How can you not have insurance?

Jerry

Because...I spent my money on the Clapgo D. 29, it's the most impenetrable lock on the market today... it has only one design flaw: the door... [closing door] MUST BE CLOSED!!

Kramer

Jerry! I'm gonna find your stuff. I'm gonna solve it, I'm on the case, buddy, I'm on the case!

Jerry

Yeah, don't investigate, don't pay me back, it was an accident.

Kramer

I made a mistake.

Elaine

These things happen.

Kramer

I'm human

Jerry

In your way.

Kramer

[about his cantaloupe] Forty-nine cents a pound. That's practically half than what you're paying at the supermarket. I don't know why you don't go to Joe's.

Jerry

It's too far.

Kramer

It's three blocks further. You can use my shopping cart.

Jerry

I'm not pulling a shopping cart. What am I suppose to wear? A kerchief? Put stockings on and roll 'em down below my knee?

Kramer

See, the other thing is, if you don't like anything, he takes it right back.

Jerry

I don't return fruit. Fruit is a gamble. I know that going in.

Kramer

Police! Open up!

Police? [Opens the door a crack - Kramer barges in like a cop. He forces Ray against the wall]

Kramer

Freeze, mother!

Hey..

Kramer

Shut up. Spread 'em. I said spread 'em! [Looks around] You're in big trouble son. Burglary, grand larceny, possession of stolen goods.. and uh, uh.. murder.

Murder?!

Kramer

Shut up! Keep 'em spread! Just make love to that wall, pervert!

I think you have me confused with somebody else.

Kramer

Is your name Ray?

Yeah.

Kramer

Yeah, you're the punk I'm looking for. [Grabs the statue from the mantle, and puts it in his bag]

Hey, hey, are you a cop?

Kramer

Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop. I'm a damn good cop! Today's your lucky day, junior, 'cause I'm gonna let you off with a warning. Any more of this criminal activity, and you'll be sorry. You got me?

Got you? I don't even know what the hell you're talking about.

Kramer

Good. Good. Let's keep it that way.

Jerry

What happened to you?

George

One of those kids called me a Mary.

Elaine

A what?

George

I was jumping over a puddle and for some reason I went like this. [George stretches out his arms in a ballet motion] They called me a Mary. So I chased them, and I tripped and I fell.

Kramer

Yeah, you know kids, they can be very perceptive.

Yes?

Jerry

Yes I called before. I got this notice in the mail.

Oh, Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller, Uh, this case has been turned over to our library investigation officer Mr. Bookman.

Kramer

Bookman? The library investigator's name is actually Bookman?

It's true.

Kramer

That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named "Cone."

Elaine

George, this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given me!

George

Well, good, good. Take it off. You're going to wear it out already. It's for special occasions this thing.

Kramer

What's that red dot on your sweater?

Kramer

All right, Coney Island. Okay, you can take the B or the F and switch for the N at Broadway-Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2, 3, 4, or 5, but don't get on the G. See, that's very tempting, but you wind up on Smith and 9th street, then you got to get on the R.

Elaine

Couldn't he just take the D straight to Coney Island?

Kramer

Well, yeah...

George

Well, it's over. It's definitely over.

Jerry

She broke up with you.

George

No, but I can tell she's going to, I can sense it. We had this terrible phone conversation. I was so nervous before I called, I made up this whole list of things to talk about.

Jerry

What was on the list?

George

Uh, let's see... [pulls a piece of paper out of his coat pocket and starts reading from it] "I'm very good at going in reverse in my car". "Why isn't Postum a more popular drink?"

Jerry

[Takes the list from George and starts looking at it] Yeah, Postum is underrated.

George

Anyway, there was all this tension. I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner and she said "no, maybe we can get together for lunch." You know what that means.

Jerry

What's wrong with lunch?

George

Lunch is fine at the beginning, then you move on to dinner. You don't go back to lunch, it's like being demoted. I'll never do another crossword puzzle with her again, I know it.

Kramer

I like the jumble. You ever do the jumble?

George

I have no power, don't you understand? I need hand, I have no hand!

Kramer

Break up with her.

George

What?

Kramer

You break up with her. You reverse everything that way.

Jerry

A "preemptive break-up"...

George

A "preemptive break-up". This is an incredible idea..

Kramer

Yeah.

George

I got nothing to lose! We either break-up which she would do anyways but at least I go out with some dignity, or I completely turn the tables! This is absolutely brilliant!