Elaine Benes quotes from Seinfeld

Elaine

I never knew I could drive like that. I was going faster than I've ever gone before, and yet, it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. I was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving in and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold medal run. I knew I was challenging the very laws of physics. At Queens Boulevard, I took the shoulder. At Jewel Avenue, I used the median. I had it. I was there.. and then.. I hit the Van Wyck. They say no one's ever beaten the Van Wyck, but gentlemen, I tell you this - I came as close as anyone ever has. And if it hadn't been for that five-car-pile-up on Rockaway Boulevard, that numbskull would be on a plane for Seattle right now instead of looking for a parking space downstairs.

Elaine

[on Kramer's ex-girlfriend] If this woman's personality could be seen, it would be like one of those Elephant Man exhibits where they pull back the curtain and everyone gasps.

Elaine

[jokingly] Jerry, I want to slide my tongue around you like a snake... Ooooooooooha, oooooohaaaa...

Elaine

Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties and they're all "laid out for me".

Elaine

I was talking to this guy, you know, and I just happened to throw my purse on the sofa and my diaphragm goes flying out. So I just froze, you know, "ahh!", staring at my diaphragm. You know, it's just lying there. So then, this woman, the one who sold me this hair thing, she grabbed it before the guy noticed. So, I mean, big deal, right? So I carry around my diaphragm; who doesn't? Yeah, like it's a big, big secret that women carry around their diaphragms. You never know when you're gonna need it, right?

Elaine

You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.

Elaine

[about Tim Whatley] He recycled this gift. He's a regifter.

Elaine

I just couldn't decide if he was really sponge worthy.

Elaine

[to Jerry, talking about the Bizarro versions of Jerry, George and Kramer] Well, I can't spend the rest of my life coming into this stinking apartment every ten minutes to pore over the excruciating minutiae of every single daily event!

Elaine

I'm very fortunate to be surrounded by such stupidity.

Kramer

[Realizing that the robbery was his fault] Look, Jerry, I'm sorry, I'm uh, you have insurance, right buddy?

Jerry

No.

Kramer

[Staggers in shock] How can you not have insurance?

Jerry

Because...I spent my money on the Clapgo D. 29, it's the most impenetrable lock on the market today... it has only one design flaw: the door... [closing door] MUST BE CLOSED!!

Kramer

Jerry! I'm gonna find your stuff. I'm gonna solve it, I'm on the case, buddy, I'm on the case!

Jerry

Yeah, don't investigate, don't pay me back, it was an accident.

Kramer

I made a mistake.

Elaine

These things happen.

Kramer

I'm human

Jerry

In your way.

Elaine

Come on. Let's go do something. I don't want to just sit around here. Wanna get something to eat?

Jerry

Where?

Elaine

I don't care. I'm not hungry.

Jerry

We could go to one of those cappuccino places. They let you just sit there.

Elaine

What are we gonna do there, talk?

Jerry

We can talk.

Elaine

I'll go if I don't have to talk.

Jerry

Then we'll just sit there.

Elaine

What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? Huh? What do they do? Because they're clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can't count to ten. So don't give me hygiene.

Jerry

So what are you gonna do?

Elaine

I don't know. I can't think of any solution, unless of course they should meet with some unfortunate accident. What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats?

Jerry

Well, it couldn't be too expensive. Thirteen, fourteen bucks a cat?

Elaine

What do you think, Jerry? You wanna make twenty-eight bucks?

Jerry

I'm no cat killer.

Elaine

So I'm going to a nudist colony next week.

Nudist colony?

Elaine

Oh yeah, yeah I love nudist colonies. They help me unwind.

I've never been to one.

Elaine

Oh really? You should go; they're great! Except when they're over it's hard to get used to clothes, so sometimes when I'm in my office I just sit there naked.

Really?

Elaine

Oh yeah, I usually sit around naked a couple hours a day. I cook naked, I clean naked, I drive naked, naked, naked, naked!

Who are you!?

Elaine

Oh, you don't wanna know mister. I'm trouble.

Jerry

[after the doctor tells him George did not have a heart attack] Oh, and.. do you think it would be alright if I called Susan Davis?

George

Susan Davis? Hey, wait a second..

Jerry

Well, it's not like we'd be bumping into you.

George

I don't know.. you and Susan Davis?

Jerry

You know, if your future was a little more certain..

George

Okay, go ahead. Call her, get married, have babies, have a great life.. What do I care? I'm finished. It's all over for me. In fact, let's end it right now. Jerry, kill me, kill me now. I'm begging you. Let's just get it over with. Be a pal.. Just take the pillow and put it over my face.

Jerry

Well, ah.. [Takes his pillow] What? Kind of like this? [Violently smothers George with the pillow. George freaks out.]

George

What are ya doing?! Whadya, crazy?!

Elaine

Jerry!

Jerry

[Surprised] Elaine, what are you doing here? [Quickly puts George's pillow back behind his head like nothing happened]

George

[To Jerry] Jerk-off.

Jerry

[whispers to Elaine] There's nothing wrong with him. I spoke with the doctor; he's fine.

Elaine

[smiles as she catches on, then goes to George in a concerned manner] Hi, George, how are you feeling? Is anyone looking at your apartment?