George Costanza quotes from Seinfeld

George

You know, I've been thinking. I cannot envision any circumstance in which I'll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How's it gonna happen? I just don't see how it could occur.

George

When I was ten years old, my parents had this very same statue on the mantle of our apartment. Exactly, and, one day, I grabbed it, and I was using it as a microphone. I was singing, "MacArthur Park", and I got to the part about, "I'll never have that recipe again," and it slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the Ten Commandments. To this day, they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked.

George

Every woman on the face of the Earth has complete control of my life and yet, I want them all. Is that irony?

George

I'm speechless! I have no speech! [Jerry sneezes] Ah shut up

George

You're not really going to California, are you?

George

The story is the foundation of all entertainment. You must have a good story otherwise it's just masturbation.

George

I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate, I've got it all!

George

[singing] Everybody's talkin' at me... can't hear a word they're sayin'... just drivin' around in Jon Voight's car...

George

Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?

George

You think I tell Jerry everything? It's not like he's my wife.

George

[about doctors] I love these people. You can't ask 'em questions.They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office. When huge sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!

George

(to Elaine) You're killing independent George!

George

Speaking of crazy, did you hear about Lloyd Braun?

George

I was handcuffed to the bed... In my underwear, where I remained... [Scene cuts to another story] She was attractive... She was, also, in fact, a Nazi... [Cuts to another story] The water... that I had been swimming in was... very cold. And, when I dropped the towel, there was... significant shrinkage... [Scene cuts to another story] Her parents were looking at me... So, there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole... In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because - they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow witted bald man. [Gets up] Thank you. [George turns to leave, then remembers one more thing... ] Oh, also... my fiancé died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out. [Sobs and loud crying erupts from the board members] Thanks again.

George

[on an answering machine, sung to the tune of Greatest American Hero]