Frank Costanza quotes from Seinfeld

Frank Costanza

Jerry, it's Frank Costanza. Steinbrenner's here. George is dead. Call me back.

Estelle

Maybe you should take a civil service test.

George

I’m not taking a civil service test.

Frank

Look at this, George. [Pulls a coin out of his pocket] Have you ever seen a silver dollar?

George

Yes, I’ve seen a silver dollar.

Estelle

Why don’t you want to take a civil service test?

George

To do what? Work in the post office? Is that what you want me to do?

Frank

Can you believe when I was eighteen, I had a ssssilver dollar collection?

Estelle

You get job security; you get a paycheck every week..

George

I’m a college graduate, you want me to be a mailman?

Frank

You know, I could never bring myself to spend one of these. I had some kind of uhhhhh, phobia.

Estelle

So what are you gonna do?

George

I don’t know. I do know that I have some kind of a talent, something to offer. I just don’t know what it is yet.

Frank

I bet that collection would be worth a lot of money today. [Does a slight of hand trick and George looks annoyed]

George

[On the verge of tears] Oh my god..

Frank

I don’t like this waiter. [Holds his hand up and snaps his fingers trying to get the waiters attention] Look at him. He sees us. Doesn’t wanna come over.

George

I need some air.. [Gets up from the table and starts walking away]

Estelle

George, where are you going?

George

[Looks back] I got a lot of thinking to do.

Frank

How long it takes to find a bra? What's going on in there? You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two seconds...you know about the cup sizes and all? They have different cups.

George

I know about the cups.

Frank

You got the A, B, C the D. That's the biggest.

George

I know the D is the biggest. I've based my whole life on knowing that the D is the biggest.

Frank Costanza

Is there anything wrong with getting a receipt at a tollbooth?

I'm going upstairs.

Frank Costanza

This stack should be bigger.

Frank Costanza

Where's the TV Guide?

George

What TV Guide?

Frank Costanza

I'm missing TV Guide ... Volume 41, number 31.

Jerry

Elaine took it to read on the subway.

Frank Costanza

Elaine took it? -I didn't know she took it.

George

Well, it's two weeks old.

Frank Costanza

How could you let her take the TV Guide?!

George

He collects them.

Jerry

You collect TV Guide?

Frank Costanza

The nerve of that woman.

Frank Costanza

Walking into my house, stealing my collectibles!

Estelle

[screaming] Oh my God! [she enters holding a small packet] This was in our bed.

Frank

[taking the packet] What is this? [accusingly to George] A prophylactic wrapper?!

Estelle

What is this doing on my bed?!

George

I don't know, uh...

Jerry

I'll see you later. [leaves with unseemly haste]

Frank

You were having sex on our bed?!

George

Yes!

Estelle

Who told you you could have sex in our bed?

George

[pleading] Well, my bed is too small.

Frank

Your bed is too small? I'm gone two weeks and you turn our house into, into Bourbon Street!

Estelle

Where am I going to sleep?

George

What are you talking about?

Estelle

I can't sleep in there!

George

Of course you can.

Estelle

I can't! [screams] I can't!

Frank

That's it! You're grounded!

George

[incredulously] You can't ground me, I'm a grown man.

Frank

You wanna live here? You respect the rules of our house. YOU'RE GROUNDED!!!

Frank

What is this thing, anyway?

It's Cornish game hen.

Frank

What is that? Like a little chicken?

George

It's, uh, it's not a little chicken. [laughs] "Little chicken." It's a game bird.

Frank

Game bird?

George

Yeah.

Frank

What do you mean? Like, you hunt it?

Yes...

Frank

How hard could it be to kill this thing?

Frank

Let me understand. You got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?

George

Why don't we talk about it another time?

Frank

But you see my point here? You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a chicken. Something's missing!

Something's missing all right.

They're all chickens. The rooster has sex with all of them.

Frank

That's perverse!

Estelle

I can’t believe this. He was so young. How could this have happened?

Steinbrenner

Well he had been logging some pretty heavy hours; first one in the morning, last one to leave at night. That kid was a human dynamo.

Estelle

Are you sure you’re talking about George?

Steinbrenner

You are Mr. and Mrs. Constanza..

Frank

What the hell did you trade Jay Buhner for?! He had 30 home runs and over 100 RBIs last year! He's got a rocket for an arm… You don't know what the hell you're doing!

Steinbrenner

Well, he was a good prospect, no question about it. But my baseball people love Ken Phelps's bat. They kept saying, “Ken Phelps. Ken Phelps.”

Kramer

Frank here, he's got his own billiard room.

Frank

Yes, It's, uh, it's... uh, uh... What do you call it, Kramer?

Kramer

A billiard room.

Frank

No, not billiard. Not billiards. It was... come on, already. Come on...

Kramer

What?

Frank

We call it... the, uh...

Kramer

[snaps fingers] "The Place To Be!"

Frank

"The Place To Be!" Yes! It's the place to be.

Frank

I'm sitting at home, reading a periodical, and this is the call I get? My son is a bootlegger? [He hits George in the head]

George

Ow! Dad...

Frank

Who put you up to this, was it her?

Elaine

All right. Wait a minute. I think you've got it backwards.

Frank

My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.

Elaine

You got that right.

Frank

What the hell does that mean?

Elaine

It means whatever the hell you want it to mean.

Frank

You sayin' you want a piece of me?

Elaine

I'd drop you like a bag of dirt.

Frank

You want a piece of me?! YOU GOT IT!!!

Kramer

You know Frank, you could take a break.

Frank

No breaks. I feel reborn. I'm like a Phoenix rising from Arizona.

Frank

Serenity now! Serenity now!

George

What is that?

Frank

Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say "Serenity now!"

George

Are you supposed to yell it?

Frank

The man on the tape wasn't specific.

Frank

Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. And as I rained blows upon him I realized there had to be another way.

Kramer

What happened to the doll?

Frank

It was destroyed, but out of this came a new holiday, 'a Festivus for the rest-of-us.'

Frank

SHE was!

Frank

At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.

Kramer

And is there a tree?

Frank

No. Instead, there's a pole. Requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting.

Kramer

Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch.