Newman quotes from Seinfeld

Newman

So I sped home to save my friend's life and I was stopped for speeding. Yes, I admit I was speeding but it was to save a man's life! A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved and to be a banker.

Newman

Hello, Mrs. Seinfeld.

Jerry

Unfortunately the immutable laws of physics contradict the whole premise of your account. Allow me to reconstruct this, if I may, for Miss Benes, as I've heard this story a number of times. Newman, Kramer, if you'll indulge me. According to your story, Keith passes you and starts walking up the ramp. Then you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple, striking Newman between the third and fourth rib. The spit then came off the rib, turned and hit Newman in the right wrist, causing him to drop his baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, pauses in mid-air, mind you, makes a left turn, and lands on Newman's left thigh. Now that is one magic loogie!

Jerry

I'm saying that the spit could not have come from behind, that there had to have been a second spitter, behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the spitter was behind you as you claim, that would've caused your head to pitch forward.

Elaine

So the spit could've only come from the front and to the right.

Jerry

But that's not what they would have you believe.

Newman

[walks out] I'm leavin.' Jerry's a nut!

Kramer

[following Newman] Wait, wait, wait.

Jerry

The sad thing is that we may never know the real truth.

Kramer

No. We had a deal. There are no guarantees in life.

Newman

No, but there's karma, Kramer.

Jerry

"Karma Kramer"?

George

Aren't [postal workers] the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?

Newman

[ominously] Sometimes...

Jerry

Why is that?

Newman

Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there's never a let-up! It's relentless! Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out! But the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in! And then the bar code reader breaks! And it's Publisher's Clearing House day!

Newman

Look, sister, go get yourself a cup of coffee, all right? Beat it! [pushes Elaine out the door and closes it] All right, now here's the lowdown. Through a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia. And from what I hear, the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.

Jerry

Not from the footage I've seen.

Newman

It's the truck, Kramer. The truck!

Kramer

Look, Newman, I told you to let this thing go.

Newman

No, no, no, no no. Listen to me. Most days, the post office sends one truckload of mail to the second domestic regional sorting facility in Saginaw, Michigan.

Kramer

(interested) Uh-huh.

Newman

But, on the week before holidays, we see a surge. On Valentine's Day, we send two trucks. On Christmas, four, packed to the brim. And tomorrow, if history is any guide, will see some spillover into a fifth truck.

Kramer

(realization) Mother's Day.

Newman

The mother of all mail days. And guess who signed up for the truck.

Kramer

A free truck? Oh boy, that completely changes our cost structure. Our G and A goes down fifty percent.

Newman

(excited) We carry a couple of bags of mail, and the rest is ours!

Kramer

Newman, you magnificent bastard, you did it!

Newman

(triumph) Let the collecting begin!

Jerry

I can't believe I'm losing Pam!

Newman

I know how you feel. For I, too, have a woman for whom I pine.

Jerry

I thought we were talking about me.

Newman

Right.

Jerry

Anyway, I don't need your help. [turns to leave]

Newman

Oh, don't you? Joke boy? You really think you can manipulate that beautiful young woman like the half-soused nightclub rabble that lap up your inane "observations"?

Jerry

Alright, Newman. What do I have to do to get you to stop pulling the strings for Kramer?

Newman

Well, there is a little something you can do for me...

Jerry

C'mon, out with it.

Newman

It's about...Elaine.

Jerry

Elaine? What does she have to - [pause] Oh no...

Newman

You dated her. Give me some inside information. Anything I can use!

Newman

Let me ask you this. Don't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo? I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping.

Jerry

Define "rarely".

Newman

Frequently.

[Calling out the next order up over the restaurant's p.a. system] Number 67- family feast.

Newman

[Jumps up from his seat and runs to the counter] Number 67! Right here.

Jerry

Hello, Newman.

Newman

Hello, Jerry.

And don't forget your steamed broccoli. [Hands Newman a container but Jerry grabs it instead]

Jerry

Hold it. Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce!

Newman

I love broccoli. It's... good for you.

Jerry

Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?

Newman

Gladly. [chews broccoli, then spits it out] VILE WEED!

Jerry

It's for Kramer, isn't it? I knew it! The greasy doorknob, the constant licking of the fingers! He's hooked on the chicken! Isn't he?

Newman

[desperately] Yes! Now, please, someone, honey mustard! [takes a shot of the mustard, pounds his hand on the counter twice, exhales and leaves]

Jerry

Well, the doctors say I got some more blood, so it looks like I owe you again.

Kramer

(confused) You didn't get the blood from me...

Jerry

Then who...?

Newman

(grinning) Hello, Jerry.

Kramer

Newman and I are reversing the peepholes on our door so you can see in.

Elaine

Why?

Newman

To prevent an ambush.

Kramer

Yeah, so now I can peek to see if anyone is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies.

Jerry

But then anyone can just look in and see you.

Kramer

Our policy is, we're comfortable with our bodies. You know, if someone wants to help themselves to an eyeful, well, we say "Enjoy the show."

Newman

Please! Take me with you! Please!

Jerry

Get off me! You're making me sick! Be a man!

Newman

All right! But hear me and hear me well. The day will come — oh, yes, mark my words, Seinfeld — your day of reckoning is coming, when an evil wind will blow through your little play world and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there in all my glory, watching, watching as it all comes crumbling down!